Funny fanfic

The sun was shining over the Mushroom Kingdom, or at least it was shining on the polished, slightly-too-expensive marble of SMG4’s brand new castle. Inside, the atmosphere was the usual brand of chaotic harmony. SMG4 was hunched over a computer monitor, screaming at a rendering error; Meggy was practicing backflips in the hallway, nearly kicking a tray of tea out of Tari’s hands; and Bob was trying to convince Fishy Boopkins that a pile of literal trash was a "limited edition anime figurine."

And then there was Mario.

Mario was currently positioned face-down on the rug, trying to see if he could inhale a stray piece of spaghetti he’d dropped three days ago. He was a simple man with simple goals. However, the universe—or perhaps just the sheer absurdity of his existence—had other plans.

A low, humming sound began to vibrate through the floorboards. It wasn't the sound of a disgruntled Bowser or a malfunctioning appliance. It was a deep, rhythmic thrumming that made the hair on the back of Mario’s neck stand up.

"Ugh... is the washing machine possessed again?" SMG4 grumbled, looking up from his desk.

Suddenly, a swirl of violet light tore through the air in the center of the room. It wasn't a portal; it was a jagged, swirling vortex of purple energy that looked like a hole punched through reality. The suction was instantaneous.

"Mamaf*cker!" Mario yelled as his feet left the ground.

"Mario!" Meggy shouted, dropping into a combat stance before realizing she couldn't fight a hole in space. She lunged forward, grabbing Mario’s hand. "SMG4! Help!"

SMG4 and Tari scrambled over, forming a human (and cyborg) chain. They pulled with everything they had, their faces turning red with the effort. But the vortex was relentless. It didn't just want Mario; it seemed to be specifically tuned to his frequency of stupidity.

"Don't let go!" Tari cried, her robotic eye flashing warnings.

"I’m slipping! My hands are too greasy from the pizza!" Mario wailed.

With a final, violent lurch, the vortex flared bright white. The grip broke. Mario gave a pathetic little wave as he was sucked into the abyss, his iconic red hat flying off for a split second before being swallowed along with him. The vortex snapped shut, leaving the room in a deafening, dusty silence.

"Well," Bob said, breaking the tension. "Can I have his room?"

Mario didn't feel like he was traveling through space. He felt like he was being put through a blender set to 'spaghetti.' When his vision finally cleared, he wasn't met with the warm colors of the castle. Instead, he felt something cold and metallic pressing against his cheek.

He groaned, pushing himself up. "Ooh... my head... Mario's brain feels like it’s been kicked by a Donkey Kong."

He looked down and immediately jumped back with a yelp. He wasn't on a floor; he was standing on a mountain of corpses. But they weren't human, or Koopa, or even Goomba. They were white, sleek, robotic husks with hollowed-out eyes and tangled wires. Hundreds of them. A literal pile of dead drones.

"Mama mia," Mario whispered, poking one with his foot. "Is this the place where the printers go when they break?"

He looked up at the sky. There was no sun, only a massive, ringed planet looming in a permanent night sky. Snow—or what looked like ash—drifted down through the freezing air. This was Copper-9, a frozen wasteland far from the reach of any princess or plumber.

Mario, being Mario, decided that since he wasn't currently being eaten, everything was fine. He adjusted his overalls, wiped some oil off his glove, and began to trek down the mountain of scrap.

"Maybe there's a kitchen around here," he muttered to himself. "Mario is starving. I'd even eat a gluten-free pizza right now. Actually, no, that's a lie."

High above, perched on the jagged remains of a skyscraper, two figures watched him. They were sleek, silver, and lethal, with large neon-yellow wings made of blades and tails tipped with glowing syringes.

Serial Designation V tilted her head, her digital eyes flickering into a set of yellow 'X's before returning to circles. "Is that... a human? A real, organic human?"

Beside her, J narrowed her eyes, her tongue flicking over her sharp fangs. "It shouldn't be. The atmosphere is toxic, and the temperature is well below freezing. He should be a popsicle by now."

"He looks... squishy," V remarked, a manic grin spreading across her face. "And look at those proportions. He’s like a little red meatball. I want to see what color he leaks."

"Wait," J said, putting a hand out to stop V from lunging. "Look at how he walks. He has no fear. He’s walking over the corpses of our prey like they’re stepping stones. There’s something... strangely magnetic about such blatant stupidity."

V giggled, her wings fluttering. "He is kind of cute in a pathetic, round way. Let’s follow him. I want to see what he does before we break him."

Mario continued his stroll, completely oblivious to the two predatory machines stalking him from the shadows. He hummed a jaunty tune, kicking a stray robotic head like a soccer ball. He eventually reached a cleared-out area near a massive bulkhead door—the entrance to an underground bunker.

Suddenly, a shadow fell over him.

"Freeze! Don't move an inch, you purple-eyed... wait."

Mario stopped and turned. Standing there was a girl—well, a drone. She had purple hair, a black beanie, and was wielding a massive, glowing green railgun that looked like it could level a building. It was Uzi Doorman, and she looked ready to kill.

Until she actually saw him.

Uzi’s digital eyes widened. The "X" she usually held for intimidation flickered and disappeared, replaced by two wide, flickering ovals. Her visor flushed a deep shade of purple.

"What... what are you?" she stammered, the railgun lowering slightly. "You're not a Disassembly Drone. You're not a Worker. You’re... you’re so... high-definition."

Mario stared at her. He looked at the gun, then at her face, then back at the gun. "Are you a toaster? Can you make Mario some toast? I'm very hungry."

Uzi felt a strange surge in her processors. She had spent her whole life hating humans for abandoning her race, but this one... he didn't look like a corporate overlord. He looked like he didn't know how to tie his own shoes. The sheer lack of intelligence in his eyes was strangely disarming. It was almost... attractive.

"I-I’m a Worker Drone! And I’m going to kill all humans!" Uzi shouted, though her voice lacked its usual venom. "So, why aren't you running? Why aren't you scared of my sick as hell railgun?"

Mario walked right up to her, ignoring the weapon entirely. "You have a lot of buttons," he observed, poking her shoulder. "Do you do anything cool? Do you have a hidden compartment for snacks?"

"Hey! Don't touch the hardware!" Uzi barked, but she didn't pull away.

Mario began to fiddle with her. He poked her visor, pulled on her beanie, and started tapping various panels on her chassis. To a human, it was just Mario being an idiot. To a drone, whose internal sensors were incredibly sensitive to touch, it was... overwhelming.

"Stop... ah... wait," Uzi muttered. Her internal fans began to whirl at maximum speed. Her visor displayed a 'CRITICAL OVERHEAT' warning in the corner. "You’re going to... mess up my... calibration..."

Mario found a small access panel on her side and flipped it open, curious if there was chocolate inside. Instead, he accidentally tugged on a primary power coupling.

Uzi’s eyes turned into a spinning 'Loading' icon. "Error... 404... Heartbeat... not found..."

With a soft mechanical sigh, her lights dimmed and her body went limp. Mario caught her before she hit the ground, though "caught" was a strong word; she mostly just slumped against his stomach.

"Darn it," Mario sighed. "I broke the toaster."

He looked around. The wind was picking up, and he didn't want to stay out in the open. He spotted a dark, recessed doorway leading into a nearby ruin—a place that looked private and out of the wind.

"Well, Mario is a gentleman," he lied to nobody. "I’ll take you somewhere where you won't get rusty."

He grabbed Uzi by her boots and began to drag her across the snow toward the dark building. It wasn't the most dignified way to be transported, but for Mario, it was efficient.

Up on the rafters of a nearby warehouse, J and V watched the entire exchange in stunned silence.

"Did he just... lobotomize her by poking her?" V whispered, her eyes wide with newfound respect. "That was incredible. She didn't even fight back. She just... gave up."

J crossed her arms, a smirk playing on her metallic lips. "He handled that rogue element with zero effort. He didn't even need a weapon. He just used his... whatever those meaty appendages are."

"I want him," V said flatly, her tail twitching excitedly. "I want to see what else he can do with those hands. Do you think he can do that to us?"

"Focus, V," J snapped, though her own gaze remained fixed on the red plumber as he disappeared into the shadows of the ruin, dragging the unconscious Uzi behind him. "But... I agree. He is an anomaly. A very... interesting anomaly. Let’s get a closer look. I want to know what makes a 'Mario' tick."

Inside the dark building, Mario dropped Uzi’s feet and looked around. It was an old office, filled with dusty desks and broken monitors. He sat down on a swivel chair that groaned under his weight and kicked his feet up on a desk.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," Mario said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a slightly crushed, cold piece of pepperoni. "Now, if only I could find a way to turn that girl back on. She looked like she knew where the nearest pizzeria was."

He took a bite of his pizza, completely unaware that two pairs of glowing yellow eyes were watching him from the ceiling, and that the "broken toaster" on the floor was currently running a system reboot that involved a lot of very confused, very heated subroutines.

Copper-9 had never seen anything like Mario. And Mario, unfortunately for Copper-9, was just getting started.