The twist of the mind

It was a Tuesday in Tomobiki, which usually meant the atmospheric pressure was dropping, the local wildlife was fleeing, and Ataru Moroboshi was about to receive a death sentence disguised as a high-voltage discharge.

The scene in Class 2-4 was, by all accounts, typical. Ataru had spent the better part of the morning crawling along the floorboards like a highly motivated lizard, his eyes fixed on the hem of a passing classmate’s skirt. He was inches away from his goal, his fingers twitching with lecherous intent, when the air began to crackle with the smell of ozone and impending doom.

"DARLING!"

Lum’s voice didn't just carry; it vibrated through the very atoms of the classroom. She hovered near the ceiling, her beautiful face contorted in a mask of tearful fury. Her horns glowed with a blinding, flickering light.

"I was just checking for... for loose threads! It’s a public service, Lum!" Ataru yelled, not even bothered to look up from his target.

"You’re a liar, Darling! A big, no-good, skirt-chasing dummy!" Lum shrieked.

Usually, Lum’s shocks were enough to carbonize a small elephant, but today, fueled by a morning of watching Ataru hit on every female student from the nursing office to the cafeteria, she didn't hold back. A massive, jagged bolt of blue-white electricity slammed into Ataru’s spine. The flash was so bright that Mendō, sitting three rows away, had to shield his eyes with his silk handkerchief.

Ataru didn't just smoke; he glowed. His skeleton was visible for a full three seconds before he collapsed into a heap of charred school uniform and frizzled hair.

"Oh no," Shinobu whispered, peering over her desk. "She might have actually cooked him this time."

Lum descended, her anger instantly replaced by her usual frantic worry. "Darling? Darling, wake up! I’m sorry, but you shouldn't have been so naughty!"

Ataru’s fingers twitched. He groaned, a long, low sound that shifted from a pained wheeze into something… different. He sat up, shaking his head. The soot fell off his face in flakes, revealing skin that was strangely flushed. He blinked, his dark eyes scanning the room.

Lum reached out to touch his shoulder. "Are you okay, Darling?"

Ataru looked at her. He looked at her golden-brown eyes, her cyan hair, and her tiger-striped bikini. For the first time in his life, his expression wasn't one of annoyance, lust, or fear. It was utter, chilling indifference.

"Move aside, girl," Ataru said, his voice flat. "You’re blocking the view."

Lum froze. "Girl? Darling, what are you—"

Ataru wasn't listening. His head snapped to the left, his eyes widening with a predatory gleam that usually only appeared when he saw a swimsuit calendar. But he wasn't looking at the girls. He was staring directly at Shūtarō Mendō.

Mendō, sensing a disturbance in the Force, adjusted his collar. "What is it, Moroboshi? If you’re looking for a rematch, I’ll have you know my katana is—"

Ataru was across the room in a blur of motion that would have made a ninja weep. He didn't punch Mendō. He didn't trip him. Instead, he grabbed Mendō’s hands, leaning in so close their noses almost touched.

"Mendō," Ataru breathed, his voice dripping with a terrifying, honeyed sincerity. "I never noticed before, but your bone structure is absolutely divine. And that scent... is that expensive cologne or just the natural musk of a refined gentleman?"

The silence that hit Class 2-4 was heavier than a falling temple bell.

Mendō’s face went through four different shades of pale before settling on a sickly green. "Moroboshi... unhand me at once. What sort of sick joke is this?"

"No joke, Shū-chan," Ataru purred, winking. "Why have we been fighting all this time? We could have been sharing a crepe. Or a sunset. Or a very, very small locker."

"It’s dark! It’s cramped! It’s scary!" Mendō shrieked, his phobias triggered by the mere suggestion, as he scrambled backward, tripping over Megane’s desk.

Ataru didn't give up. He turned his gaze toward the Stormtroopers. Megane, Perm, Chibi, and Kakugari were huddled together, trembling.

"Megane," Ataru said, stalking toward them. "You know, those glasses really frame your intellectual intensity. Why don't you take me to that new cafe? We can discuss philosophy. Or your workout routine."

Megane let out a sound like a dying teakettle. "Stay back, you demon! Lum-san, do something! He’s broken! He’s fundamentally broken!"

Lum was hovering in mid-air, her jaw hanging open. "Darling... you don't want to talk to me? Or Shinobu? Or... or even Sakura-san?"

As if on cue, the sliding door opened and Sakura walked in, her long black hair flowing behind her as she carried a stack of health reports. Ataru turned his head, glanced at the beautiful priestess, and made a face as if he’d just smelled sour milk.

"Ugh, too much hair," Ataru muttered. He then spotted Onsen-Mark standing at the chalkboard. "Now there’s a man with authority! Sensei, that suit is so rugged. Have you been working out? Your shoulders look like granite."

Onsen-Mark dropped his chalk. "Moroboshi... go to the infirmary. Immediately. And take a cold shower. Maybe two."

"Only if you’re the one giving me the towel, Sensei!" Ataru chirped, blowing a kiss.

The classroom erupted. Shinobu picked up a desk and threw it, not at Ataru, but just generally into the air out of sheer confusion. Lum began to sob, her tears turning into small electrical sparks that sizzled against the floor.

"I’ve done it," Lum wailed. "I’ve fried his brain! He doesn't like girls anymore! My Darling is a... he’s a boy-chaser!"

***

By lunchtime, the horror had spread. Ataru Moroboshi, the man who had once been the primary threat to every female within a five-mile radius, was now a roaming menace to the male population of Tomobiki.

He had cornered Kōsuke in the hallway, asking for his phone number and offering to help him with his "stiff muscles." He had chased a terrified delivery man three blocks because he liked the way his shorts fit.

Currently, he was standing in the vacant lot, staring intensely at a very confused Cherry.

"Master Cherry," Ataru said, leaning against a telephone pole with a smoldering look. "That robe... it’s so mysterious. What lies beneath the layers of spiritual wisdom? A heart of gold? Or perhaps a chest of iron?"

Cherry blinked his massive eyes, unfazed as always. "Young Moroboshi, your aura has shifted from the color of a dirty puddle to the color of a very confused flamingo. It seems the shock has reversed your magnetic poles. You are seeking the Yang instead of the Yin."

"I don't know about poles, but I’m definitely feeling a spark," Ataru said, reaching out to pat Cherry’s bald head. "You’ve got a very aerodynamic scalp, you know that?"

"Darling! Stop it!" Lum screamed, flying down and grabbing Ataru by the back of his collar. She dragged him away as he waved goodbye to the monk.

"Don't be jealous, Lum! There’s enough Ataru for every handsome man in this town!" Ataru yelled.

They landed in the Mendō estate’s courtyard, where Shūtarō was currently hiding behind a line of armored security guards. Ten was there too, hovering near Lum’s shoulder, looking disgusted.

"Is he still acting like a creep?" Ten asked, breathing a small puff of smoke. "I mean, he was always a creep, but this is weird."

"It’s worse than weird, Ten-chan!" Lum cried. "He won't even look at me! I tried wearing my new silk robe, and he asked me if I knew where Mendō bought his socks!"

Mendō stepped out from behind a guard, clutching his katana. "Moroboshi! I demand you return to your senses! Your lecherous gaze is polluting the very air I breathe! It is an insult to my lineage!"

Ataru’s eyes lit up. "Shū-chan! You came out to see me! Is that a new katana, or are you just happy to see me?"

Mendō let out a strangled cry and drew the blade. "I’ll cleave you in two!"

He swung, a perfect arc of steel aimed at Ataru’s head. In any other situation, Ataru would have ducked or caught the blade in a panic. Today, he simply stepped into the swing, closing the distance and wrapping his arms around Mendō’s waist in a theatrical embrace.

"So strong," Ataru whispered into Mendō’s ear. "Such passion."

Mendō froze. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he fainted dead away, his sword clattering to the grass.

"Oh, he’s so shy," Ataru giggled, tucking a stray hair behind Mendō’s ear.

Suddenly, a loud *WHUMP* echoed through the courtyard. A red-haired giant of a man landed in a cloud of dust.

"LUM!" Rei roared, his handsome face set in its usual look of hungry determination. "Return to me! I have brought... nothing, but I am hungry!"

Lum gasped. "Rei! Not now!"

Ataru turned. He saw Rei. He saw the chiseled jaw, the broad shoulders, the wild, masculine energy of the Oni.

Ataru’s heart didn't just throb; it performed a drum solo.

"Oh. My. God," Ataru whispered.

He walked toward Rei, his steps slow and deliberate. Rei, expecting a fight or a potato-eating contest, braced himself.

"You," Ataru said, reaching up to touch Rei’s bicep. "You’re like a mountain. A beautiful, stupid mountain. Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your pecs."

Rei blinked. He looked at Ataru, then at Lum, then back at Ataru. "Moroboshi... you want... meat?"

"I want to know your workout routine, you big hunk of interstellar beef!" Ataru cheered, jumping onto Rei’s back and hugging his neck. "Take me away! Take me to the stars! Or at least to a gym!"

Rei, confused but always appreciative of someone touching him without hitting him, let out a low rumble. "Moroboshi... heavy."

"I’m light as a feather for you, Rei-kun!"

Lum had seen enough. Her hair was standing on end, and the sky above Tomobiki began to darken with unnatural storm clouds.

"THAT’S IT!" she screamed. "If I can’t have Darling’s lecherousness, NO ONE CAN!"

She dove at the pair, her hands glowing with a supernova’s worth of energy. Ten scrambled out of the way, hiding behind a stone lantern.

"Lum, wait! You’ll kill them both!" Shinobu yelled, having just arrived at the gates.

"I don't care! I want my pervert back!"

Lum slammed into Ataru and Rei like a falling star. The resulting explosion leveled the Mendō family’s prized topiary garden and knocked out the power to three city blocks. A pillar of blue light shot into the stratosphere, visible even to the alien fleets orbiting the planet.

As the smoke cleared, the courtyard was a disaster zone. Rei had transformed into his massive, multi-eyed bull-tiger form, chewing contentedly on a piece of charred fence. Mendō was still unconscious, being fanned by his Black Glasses subordinates.

In the center of a small crater, Ataru Moroboshi lay flat on his back. His clothes were shredded, and he was once again smoking like a chimney.

Lum knelt beside him, trembling. "Darling? Darling, please... say something. Tell me I’m pretty. Tell me you want my phone number. Anything!"

Ataru’s eyes fluttered open. He looked up at Lum. He looked at her face, her curves, and the way her bikini top was slightly singed.

A slow, familiar, and utterly disgusting smirk spread across his lips.

"Hey, gorgeous," Ataru wheezed, his voice a raspy croak. "You come here often? Because you’ve got a body that just won't quit, and I’ve got a sudden urge to... *GACK!*"

Lum didn't let him finish. She pulled him into a crushing, tearful hug, sobbing with joy even as she accidentally discharged a few stray volts into his ribs.

"Oh, Darling! You’re back! You’re your horrible, perverted self again!"

"Yeah, yeah, great," Ataru grunted, his eyes already wandering toward Shinobu, who was standing nearby. "Hey, Shinobu! That skirt is a very nice shade of—"

*CRASH!*

Shinobu’s desk—which she had apparently carried all the way from the school—descended from the heavens, flattening Ataru into the dirt.

"He’s back," Shinobu sighed, dusting off her hands.

Ten flew over, looking down at the Moroboshi-shaped indentation in the ground. "Well, at least the neighborhood dogs are safe again. The delivery men, not so much."

From the edge of the crater, Mendō finally stirred. He sat up, rubbing his temples. "Is it over? Is the nightmare finished?"

Ataru popped his head out from under the desk, his eyes locking onto Mendō. For a split second, a mischievous glint returned to his gaze.

"You know, Shū-chan, we’ll always have the courtyard," Ataru winked.

Mendō’s scream could be heard all the way to the next prefecture.

As Lum began to chase Ataru around the estate, screaming about his "cheating heart" while throwing lightning bolts, the world of Tomobiki returned to its natural state of chaotic equilibrium. Ataru Moroboshi was once again the unluckiest, most lecherous man on Earth—and for everyone involved, that was a much safer brand of disaster.