Mario's fanclub

The sun shone brightly over the Mushroom Kingdom, casting a golden glow over the Peach-style architecture of SMG4’s new castle. Inside, the atmosphere was typically chaotic, though perhaps a bit more rhythmic than usual. The sound of wet slapping noises echoed through the main foyer as Mario, the kingdom’s premier spaghetti connoisseur, sat on the floor with a massive bowl of pasta. He wasn't just eating it; he was currently attempting to see how many noodles he could stuff into his nostrils while humming the theme song to a fictional brand of detergent.

"Look at me, Luigi!" Mario chirped, his voice muffled by the starch. "I’m a pasta elephant! Pa-tooie!"

He sneezed, launching a stray meatball across the room. It bounced off a decorative vase and landed squarely on the floor. Mario giggled with pure, unadulterated glee, his eyes wide and vacant of any complex thought. To Mario, the world was a simple place: there was food, there were games, and there were people who occasionally kicked him into the sun.

He was completely oblivious to the several pairs of eyes tracking his every move from the shadows of the hallway.

Meggy Spletzer stood leaning against a pillar, her usual competitive fire replaced by a soft, almost dazed expression. She watched Mario struggle to untangle a noodle from his mustache, and instead of sighing in exasperation as she usually did, she felt a strange tug at her heartstrings. "He’s just... so authentic," she whispered to herself, her cheeks tinged with a faint orange glow.

Beside her, Tari clutched her meta-runner arm to her chest, her eyes shimmering. "He looks so happy. Like a little duckling in a puddle. I just want to make sure nothing ever ruins his smile."

Even Saiko, who usually spent her time looking for things to smash with her giant hammer, was uncharacteristically quiet. She crossed her arms, a small, genuine smirk playing on her lips. "There’s something about that level of stupidity that’s actually kind of... charming. It’s raw."

Melony, who had been napping nearby, cracked an eye open. She didn't say anything, but she hugged her pillow tighter, nodding in silent agreement. And in the corner, Karen the cat-burger-flipper, who usually hated everyone and everything associated with her job, leaned against her broom. She watched Mario try to lick tomato sauce off his own ear and felt a rare sense of peace.

"At least he's not asking for a refund," Karen muttered, her gaze unusually fond.

Mario, unaware of the predatory level of adoration radiating from the sidelines, decided he was bored of being an elephant. He stood up, his belly swaying slightly, and began to hop around the room like a rabbit, making loud "boing" noises with every leap.

"Boing! Boing! I'm a-Mario! I'm a-going to the moon! Boing!"

He hopped right into the throne room where SMG4 was hunched over his laptop, his face pale from the blue light of a grueling editing session. The meme-guardian was stressed, his fingers flying across the keyboard as he tried to finish a video before the deadline.

"Boing! Boing! Hey, SMG4! Look at me! I'm a-defying gravity!" Mario yelled, landing heavily next to the desk and causing the laptop to wobble.

SMG4 groaned, his eye twitching. "Mario, not now. I’m at a really sensitive part of the rendering process."

"But look! I can-a jump over the chair!" Mario prepared for a massive leap, his face scrunched in concentration.

"Mario, stop!" SMG4 snapped, finally losing his patience. He turned in his chair, glaring at the plumber. "Be quiet! Just for five minutes, can you please stop being so loud and annoying? Go sit in a corner and don't make a sound!"

The silence that followed was deafening.

Mario froze mid-crouch. His wide, joyful smile slowly melted away. His lower lip began to tremble, and his large, blue eyes welled up with tears that looked like dinner plates. He let out a tiny, pathetic whimper, his shoulders slumping as he looked down at his boots.

"Oh... okay," Mario whispered, his voice cracking. "Mario will be a-quiet. Sorry, Mr. Meme Man."

He turned around and began to shuffle toward the corner of the room, his head hanging low. It was the saddest walk the kingdom had ever seen.

The temperature in the room suddenly dropped forty degrees. SMG4 felt a chill run down his spine, but it wasn't from the air conditioning. It was the feeling of being hunted.

He looked up from his computer and blanched. Standing in the doorway were Meggy, Tari, Saiko, Melony, and Karen. They weren't moving. They were just staring at him. Their eyes were narrowed, their pupils slit, and an aura of pure, concentrated malice emanated from the group.

"Uh... guys?" SMG4 stammered, his hands shaking on the keyboard. "Is everything okay?"

Meggy stepped forward, her hand resting on the hilt of her Splat-gun. "What did you just say to him, Four?"

"I... I just told him to be quiet?" SMG4 squeaked. "He was being distracting!"

Saiko gripped her hammer, the head of the weapon cracking the floor tiles beneath it. "You made him sad. You broke the precious ginger-man's spirit."

"He was just being a bunny," Tari said, her voice trembling with a mix of sadness and burgeoning rage. "He wasn't hurting anyone."

Karen stepped into the light, her claws extended. "I’ve dealt with a lot of Karens in my time, SMG4. But right now? You’re the biggest jerk in the building."

Melony didn't say anything. She just drew her Fierce Deity sword, the blade glowing with an ominous purple light.

"Wait, wait! It’s just Mario!" SMG4 cried, backing his chair up until he hit the wall. "You guys usually yell at him too! Why are you looking at me like I just kicked a puppy?"

"Because he's *our* puppy!" Meggy shouted.

Before SMG4 could respond, the girls ignored him entirely, rushing past the desk as if he were nothing more than a piece of furniture. They swarmed the corner where Mario was currently moping.

Luigi, who had been watching the whole thing from behind a curtain, stepped out with his jaw hitting the floor. He had seen his brother get into trouble before, and he’d seen the girls be protective, but this was different. This was a level of devotion that bordered on the supernatural.

"Mario! Are you okay?" Tari cried, kneeling beside him and pulling a small rubber duck from her pocket. "Here, you can hold Archibald! He makes everything better!"

Mario looked up, blinking back tears. "You... you not mad at Mario for being loud?"

"Of course not, Red," Meggy said, sitting on the floor next to him and putting an arm around his shoulders. "You were being a great bunny. The best bunny."

Saiko reached down and, with surprising gentleness, patted Mario’s cap. "If anyone tells you to be quiet again, I’ll bury them in the backyard. Understand?"

Mario’s eyes widened. "Even the mailman?"

"Especially the mailman," Saiko confirmed.

Karen produced a perfectly wrapped chili dog from seemingly nowhere—likely "borrowed" from her shift earlier. "Eat this. It’s on the house."

Mario’s sadness vanished instantly at the sight of the meat. "Ooh! For Mario? You guys are the bestest!"

Luigi walked over, scratching his head. "Uh, hey guys? Is everything alright? I’ve never seen you all... uh... so focused on Mario at once."

"Back off, Luigi," Meggy said, though her tone wasn't mean, just incredibly firm. "We’re making sure he’s emotionally stable."

"He’s eating a chili dog off the floor," Luigi pointed out. "I think he’s fine."

"He needs a perimeter!" Tari insisted, spreading her arms out as if to shield Mario from any stray negative vibes.

Mario, now the center of a protective circle of the most dangerous women in the Mushroom Kingdom, felt like a king. He sat cross-legged, munching on his gift while Melony leaned her head against his shoulder, already falling back asleep but keeping a firm grip on his overall strap so he couldn't wander off.

SMG4 watched from his desk, completely forgotten. "Am I dreaming? Is this a glitch? Did I accidentally write a fanfic where Mario has a harem?"

"I think you just underestimated how much they actually care about the big dummy," Luigi said, leaning against the wall. "Though, I gotta admit, it’s a little creepy. Look at their eyes."

Indeed, while the girls were being sweet to Mario, their gazes remained sharp and alert, scanning the room for any potential threats to Mario’s happiness. When Bob walked into the room, humming a song about how great he was, Saiko immediately pointed her hammer at him.

"One word, trash bag," Saiko hissed. "One word to ruin his mood and you’re a pancake."

Bob froze, his green eyes glowing nervously. "Uhh... Mario is a very handsome and intelligent man? Please don't kill me."

"Good choice," Saiko muttered.

Mario finished his chili dog and let out a giant, echoing burp. In any other circumstance, Meggy would have groaned and told him he was gross. Today, she simply smiled and wiped a smudge of mustard off his cheek.

"Nice one, Red. You got a lot of power behind that one."

Mario giggled, his ego inflating to the size of a blimp. "I have the power of gas and anime on my side! Wahoo!"

He stood up, and the girls stood with him in perfect unison, forming a phalanx around him. Mario started to march toward the kitchen, and the group moved with him, a coordinated unit of high-tier warriors protecting a man who was currently trying to see if he could walk with his eyes closed.

"I’ve never seen him this popular," Luigi whispered, watching the parade leave the room. "And I’ve lived with him for thirty years."

"I don't like it, Luigi," SMG4 said, turning back to his computer with a shudder. "It’s unnatural. It’s like the universe is trying to compensate for all the times he’s been blown up. If this keeps up, he’s going to be completely spoiled."

From the kitchen, the sound of cheering erupted.

"Go Mario! Use the whole gallon of milk!" Tari’s voice drifted through the halls.

"Yeah! Pour it on the floor! See how high it splashes!" Meggy added.

SMG4 put his head in his hands. "We’re doomed. He’s found his enablers."

Inside the kitchen, Mario was having the time of his life. He was currently standing on the counter, surrounded by his new "bodyguards," as he prepared to perform his greatest trick: making a sandwich using only his feet.

"Watch this, girls! Mario call this... The Stinky Special!"

As he hoisted a loaf of bread with his toes, Karen watched with a look of intense professional respect. "The technique is sloppy, but the spirit is there. You’re doing great, kid."

Mario beamed. He didn't know why everyone was being so nice, and frankly, his brain wasn't wired to look a gift horse in the mouth. He just knew that he had snacks, he had friends, and for once, nobody was calling him an idiot.

He felt a surge of affection for his crew. He reached out and pat Tari’s head with a flour-covered hand. "I love you guys! You're almost as good as spaghetti!"

The collective "Aww" that followed was loud enough to shake the castle foundations.

Meggy looked at the others, a silent pact forming in her eyes. "We’re not letting Four yell at him ever again, right?"

"Never," Tari agreed.

"He is the precious bean," Melony mumbled in her sleep.

Saiko nodded, her grip on her hammer tightening. "He’s the only thing in this castle that isn't a cynical mess. We protect the idiot. At all costs."

Mario, meanwhile, had managed to get his foot stuck in a jar of mayonnaise. "Uh oh. Mario is a sandwich now."

The girls immediately leapt into action, three of them grabbing the jar while the others offered him words of encouragement. Mario just laughed, enjoying the attention. He was the most popular man in the world, and all it took was being exactly who he had always been: a lovable, pasta-stuffed disaster.

Back in the throne room, SMG4 sighed and deleted his entire script. There was no point in trying to film a normal video today. The "Mario Protection Squad" was in full effect, and God help anyone who tried to stop them.