Mario's obsessive fanclub

The morning sun filtered through the high, stained-glass windows of the new Mushroom Kingdom castle, casting vibrant patterns across the polished floor. It was a typical Tuesday, which meant the air was usually filled with the sound of explosions, high-pitched screaming, or the frantic typing of a stressed-out meme guardian. Today, however, the atmosphere felt strangely heavy, like the air right before a thunderstorm.

Mario, blissfully unaware of any atmospheric shifts, was currently occupied with a very important task. He was lying flat on his stomach in the middle of the grand foyer, trying to see if he could fit an entire raw spaghetti noodle into his nostril without it breaking.

"Ooh, almost there... mama mia, it’s-a tickling," Mario muttered to himself, his crossed eyes focusing on the yellow stick disappearing into his nose.

A few feet away at a small table, SMG4 was hunched over his laptop, his eyes bloodshot and his hair a mess. He was trying to render a video that was already three hours late, and the sound of Mario’s muffled grunts was grating on his last nerve.

Nearby, the rest of the crew was scattered about. Luigi was dusting a nearby pedestal, Bob was scrolling through his phone looking for scams, and Fishy Boopkins was playing with a new anime figurine. But there was something different about the women in the room.

Tari wasn't playing her games. She was sitting on a nearby bench, her mechanical eye glowing slightly as she watched Mario with an expression of pure, unadulterated adoration. Saiko, usually leaning against a wall with a look of bored aggression, was instead twirling a strand of her pink hair, her gaze fixed intently on the plumber. Even Karen, who usually looked like she wanted to quit life and everyone in it, stood behind the counter of the castle’s small cafe nook, her feline ears twitching as she stared at Mario with a terrifyingly soft intensity.

"Mario! Can you please just be quiet for five minutes?" SMG4 snapped, slamming his hand on the table. "I am trying to work, and your weird nose-spaghetti habit is making a disgusting squelching noise!"

Mario froze. The noodle snapped, leaving a small piece stuck in his nose. His mustache drooped, and his large, blue eyes welled up with instant, dramatic tears. He let out a soft, pathetic whimper, curling into a ball on the floor.

"Mario was only trying to be a magician," he sniffled, his voice small and heartbroken.

The reaction from the rest of the room was instantaneous and violent.

The temperature seemed to drop twenty degrees. SMG4 felt a cold shiver run down his spine. He looked up from his laptop, expecting the usual eye-rolls or sighs. Instead, he found himself staring into the abyss.

Tari’s face, usually the pinnacle of kindness, was set in a terrifyingly blank mask, her eyes narrowed to slits. Saiko had gripped the handle of her massive hammer so hard the wood creaked. Karen had hopped over the cafe counter with predatory grace, her claws unsheathed and glistening in the sunlight. Meggy, who had just walked into the room with a training manual, dropped her book, her hand instinctively moving to her splattershot as she glared at SMG4 with a look of pure loathing.

"Uh... guys?" SMG4 gulped, sliding his chair back. "It’s just... it’s just Mario. He was being loud."

"He was being himself," Saiko hissed, her voice low and dangerous.

"You made him cry," Tari added, her voice devoid of its usual stutter. She walked over to Mario, kneeling beside him and stroking his hat with a gentleness that bordered on obsessive. "It’s okay, Mario. The mean man didn't mean it."

Meggy stepped forward, flanking Mario’s other side. "Yeah, Red. Don't listen to him. You’re doing great. Do you want to go get some ramen? Or maybe we can go find a giant meatball?"

Mario looked up, wiping a tear away. "Really? You guys aren't mad that Mario is a stupid-head?"

"You are a treasure," Karen said, appearing behind him and placing a hand on his shoulder. Her voice, usually sharp and sarcastic, was now a purr that sent a chill through Luigi’s soul. "And if anyone says otherwise, I’ll ensure they never receive service in this kingdom again. Or anywhere else."

Luigi stood frozen with his feather duster. "M-Mario? Since when did you get... popular?"

"I don't know, Luigi! Mario just woke up and felt extra handsome today!" Mario cheered, his sadness forgotten as he was suddenly surrounded by the girls.

They huddled around him like a phalanx of elite bodyguards. Melony, who had been napping on a nearby sofa, sat up and drifted over, her Fierce Deity mask glowing faintly. She didn't say a word, but she leaned her head against Mario’s shoulder, her hand resting protectively on his arm.

The rest of the men—SMG4, Luigi, and Boopkins—backed away toward the wall.

"This is weird, right?" Boopkins whispered. "Like, really weird?"

"I’ve never seen Meggy look at him like that," SMG4 whispered back, sweating. "She looks like she’d kill me if I even looked at him the wrong way."

Bob, however, was never one to read the room. He stepped forward, waving a gold-plated hand dismissively.

"Ugh, please. Why are you all hanging out with this fat sack of trash?" Bob laughed, his green robes fluttering. "He probably smells like old cheese and sadness. Hey, Mario! Your hat looks like a used diaper and your brother is the only one with any actual talent in the family!"

The silence that followed was deafening.

Mario blinked, looking up at Bob with a look of mild confusion. "Hey! Mario’s hat is-a very clean!"

But before Mario could defend himself further, the sound of heavy, rhythmic footsteps echoed through the hall. *Thump. Thump. Thump.*

The girls didn't move an inch away from Mario. If anything, they stepped closer, forming a physical barrier between him and Bob. Melony’s eyes turned a sharp, piercing red as she stared Bob down.

"Oh, crap," SMG4 whispered, hiding behind a decorative suit of armor.

Bob’s laughter died in his throat as Saiko stepped forward, the head of her hammer resting on the floor with a heavy thud. "What did you just say, garbage bag?"

"I... uh... I said he has a very nice... mustache?" Bob squeaked, his voice jumping three octaves.

"You called him trash," Meggy said, her voice trembling with a terrifying sort of protective rage. She stepped toward Bob, her Splattershot leveled at his chest. "You called the purest person in this castle 'trash.'"

"It’s just a prank, bro!" Bob yelled, backing away.

Karen moved with a speed that was almost a blur. She didn't strike, but she stood directly in Bob’s path, her tail twitching violently. "I think it’s time for you to leave the room, Robert. Before I decide to file a 'complaint' with your face."

Mario watched the exchange with genuine curiosity. He reached out and tugged on Melony’s sleeve. "Melony? Is Bob in trouble? Mario can give him a hug if he’s feeling grumpy."

Melony turned to Mario, her expression instantly softening from a vengeful goddess to a doting sister. "No, Mario. Bob is just being loud. Stay here with us. You’re safe."

"Okay!" Mario chirped, leaning back into the group. He felt very warm and cozy, even if the girls were looking at everyone else like they wanted to commit several felonies.

Tari pulled a small, high-tech handheld console from her pocket and handed it to Mario. "Here, Mario. Play this. It has a hidden level made entirely of pasta."

Mario’s eyes turned into giant stars. "Pasta level?! Tari, you are the best!"

As Mario happily began mashing buttons, the girls turned their collective gaze back to the rest of the crew. It was a wall of protective, obsessive energy that felt like a physical weight.

SMG4 slowly reached out to grab his laptop, moving as if he were trying not to startle a pack of hungry wolves.

"I’m just... I’m going to go edit in the basement," SMG4 whispered, not breaking eye contact with Saiko.

"Good idea," Saiko replied, her grip tightening on her hammer.

Luigi looked at his brother, who was currently being fed grapes by Karen while Meggy adjusted his overalls to make sure they were perfectly straight.

"Mario," Luigi called out softly. "Are you... are you okay?"

Mario looked up from his game, a wide, goofy grin on his face. "Mario is great, Luigi! I have so many friends! And they say I’m a 'precious cinnamon roll'! I don't know what that means, but it sounds delicious!"

The girls all shared a look—a silent, terrifying agreement. Mario was theirs to protect, and the world was officially on notice.

Bob, realizing his life was in genuine danger, slowly began to edge toward the door. "Yeaaah, I’m just gonna go... do some... not-insulting-Mario stuff. Somewhere else. Like another country."

He turned and bolted, his footsteps echoing down the hallway.

The girls didn't chase him. They didn't need to. They turned back to Mario, their circle closing tight once more, leaving the rest of the world on the outside looking in.

Mario just hummed a happy tune, leaning his head back against Tari’s shoulder as he played his game, completely oblivious to the fact that he was currently the most protected—and most obsessed over—man in the entire Mushroom Kingdom.

"Does anyone have a napkin?" Mario asked. "Mario got some grape juice on his chin."

Four pairs of hands instantly reached out with silk handkerchiefs, competing to see who could wipe it off first.

SMG4 watched from the stairs, shaking his head. "I don't know what happened, but I think we’re living in a very different castle now."

"M-m-mama mia," Luigi whimpered, picking up his duster and slowly backing away. "I think I’ll go hide in the pipes for a few days."