Mario

The morning sun hung over the Mushroom Kingdom like a giant, glowing coin, but inside SMG4’S castle, the atmosphere felt strangely hollow. Usually, by ten in the morning, the walls would be vibrating with the sound of an explosion, a high-pitched scream, or the wet thud of a flying plate of pasta hitting a masterpiece.

Instead, there was silence.

SMG4 sat at the computer in the main hall, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. He glanced over his shoulder, squinting at the empty foyer. "Has anyone seen him?"

Tari, who was busy trying to beat a high score on her handheld console, looked up with a worried frown. "He hasn't been in the kitchen all morning. I checked the pantry, and the emergency backup spaghetti is still there. Untouched."

"That’s... ominous," Meggy said, leaning against the banister as she cleaned her Splattershot. "Usually, Mario’s already tried to set the toaster on fire by now. Luigi, you’re his brother. Where is he?"

Luigi was currently huddled in a corner, nervously wringing his green cap in his hands. "I don't know! I woke up and his bed was empty. Not even a crumb of toast left behind! I checked the backyard, the pipes, even the dumpster behind the castle. Nothing!"

"Maybe he finally got arrested for those public indecency charges?" Saiko suggested, not looking up from her phone.

"Or maybe he found a giant ravioli and climbed inside it like a sleeping bag," Bob added, leaning against the wall with his blades crossed. "Honestly, the peace is kind of nice. I can finally hear myself think about how awesome I am."

Suddenly, the heavy front doors of the castle didn't just open; they were kicked inward with a theatrical bang.

A silhouette stood framed against the blinding sunlight. The figure was wearing a flashy, oversized pair of golden-rimmed aviator sunglasses that reflected the entire room. As the figure stepped forward, the familiar red cap came into view, but the swagger was entirely new. Mario wasn't walking; he was gliding with a confidence that defied the laws of physics and his own IQ.

But he wasn't alone.

To his left walked a tall, elegant woman with shimmering silver hair and a dress that looked like it cost more than the castle’s entire budget. To his right was a bubbly girl in high-fashion streetwear, and trailing just behind them were two more—one carrying a small silk pillow and another holding a chilled bottle of premium sparkling water.

The gang stood frozen. SMG4’S jaw hit the desk. Meggy dropped her Splattershot. Luigi’s eyes turned into dinner plates.

"What's up, bitches?" Mario said, his voice dropping an octave into a smooth, gravelly baritone. He adjusted his shades with a gloved finger.

"Mario?" SMG4 stammered, standing up. "Who... who are they? And why are you wearing sunglasses indoors? It’s ten in the morning!"

Mario didn't answer immediately. He took a slow, deliberate step into the hall, his entourage following in perfect synchronization. The silver-haired woman leaned down and whispered something into Mario's ear, giggling softly as she brushed a stray piece of lint off his overalls.

"Oh, these?" Mario waved a dismissive hand at the women. "Just some friends I met while I was out getting the morning paper. They said they liked my... 'vibe.'"

Bob pushed his way to the front of the group, his eye-holes glowing with pure, unadulterated jealousy. "Your vibe? Mario, you smell like old cheese and sadness! How did you get a squad of supermodels to follow you home? I’ve been trying to get a single DM back for three years!"

Mario turned his head slowly toward Bob, the light glinting off his gold shades. "Maybe you just don't have the 'rizz,' Bob. It’s a natural gift. You either have it, or you’re a garbage bag with swords."

"I am a sexy god!" Bob shrieked, but his protest was ignored.

Mario began to walk toward the center of the room, his pace casual and rhythmic. The girls followed, their heels clicking on the stone floor. One of them stepped forward to pull out the velvet lounge chair, while another fanned him with a decorative lace fan she had seemingly pulled from thin air.

"This is ridiculous," Meggy said, crossing her arms. "Mario, stop acting weird. We were worried about you. Where did you actually go?"

Mario sat down on the sofa, sprawling his legs out as the girls arranged themselves around him. One sat on the armrest, leaning her head on his shoulder, while another knelt by his feet, ready to take his order.

"I told you," Mario said, smirking at the group’s bewildered expressions. "I went for a walk. I helped a lady cross the street. I saved a kitten from a tree. And then I found a very rare, high-quality mushroom that cleared my sinuses. Suddenly, I saw the world for what it was. And the world saw me."

He looked at the girl to his left. "Tiffany, tell them what you saw."

The silver-haired woman smiled, her voice like honey. "I saw a man who wasn't afraid to be himself. A man who understands that spaghetti isn't just food—it's a lifestyle."

"See?" Mario gestured vaguely. "She gets it."

"I don't get any of this!" Luigi cried, throwing his hands up. "Mario, you don't even know their names! You just called her Tiffany, and her name tag says 'Beatrice'!"

"Names are just labels, Luigi," Mario replied, leaning back and closing his eyes behind the shades. "Labels are for soup cans. And Mario is no soup can. I am the whole pantry."

The girl in the streetwear leaned over and popped a grape into Mario’s mouth. He chewed it slowly, looking every bit like a king who had just conquered a small nation.

SMG4 walked over, poking one of the girls in the arm to make sure she was real. She gave him a cold, judgmental look that made him pull his hand back instantly. "Mario, this has to be a prank. Did you hire them? Is this for a video? Because if it is, the budget is way too high."

"No budget. Just magnetism," Mario said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a golden spaghetti noodle—literally plated in 24-karat gold. He took a bite, the crunch echoing in the silent hall. "You guys should try being more like me. It’s very relaxing."

Bob was vibrating with rage now. "That’s it! I’m calling hacks! There is no way Mario is pulling more babes than the ultimate rapper Bob! Look at him! He’s got a double chin and he’s currently wearing a noodle as a mustache!"

Mario didn't even look at him. He simply snapped his fingers. One of the girls immediately stepped forward and held up a small, portable mirror for Mario to admire himself.

"Looking good, Mario," he whispered to his reflection. "So good."

"Okay, seriously, who are you people?" Saiko asked, stepping forward and looming over the group with her hammer resting on her shoulder. "If you're here to scam him, you're wasting your time. He has four dollars and a half-eaten Snickers bar to his name."

The girls didn't flinch. The one holding the fan looked up at Saiko with an air of practiced boredom. "We are here because Mario is the most interesting man in the Mushroom Kingdom. He told us about his adventures. The way he defied gravity to kick a turtle. The way he survived a black hole just to get a discount voucher for Pizza Hut. He is a hero."

Meggy groaned, rubbing her temples. "He didn't survive a black hole for a voucher, he caused the black hole because he tried to cook a pizza in a washing machine!"

"Details," Mario waved his hand. "The point is, I’m famous. And these lovely ladies recognize true talent when they see it."

He stood up, the girls rising in unison like a well-oiled machine. Mario walked toward the kitchen, his gait still possessing that strange, hypnotic swagger.

"Where are you going now?" SMG4 asked, following him.

"The kitchen," Mario said. "My guests are hungry, and I promised them my signature dish. But not the cheap stuff. We’re using the imported linguine today."

As they disappeared into the kitchen, the rest of the gang stood in the middle of the hall, staring at the empty space where Mario had just been.

"I give it twenty minutes," Tari said softly. "Before something explodes."

"I give it ten," Meggy countered.

"I give it five seconds," Luigi whimpered.

Right on cue, the sound of a blender struggling to process a brick echoed from the kitchen, followed by Mario yelling, "No, Tiffany! Don't put the gold leaf in the toaster! It makes the spicy sparks!"

Bob sat down on the floor, staring dejectedly at his own reflection in his blades. "Man... I really need to get some gold shades."