Mario's journey through space

The Mushroom Kingdom was having a perfectly normal Tuesday, which was to say, it was absolute chaos. Mario was currently attempting to see how many uncooked spaghetti noodles he could shove into his nostrils while balancing a flaming trash can on his head.

"Mario, for the love of God, stop! You’re going to set the castle on fire again!" SMG4 screamed, waving his arms frantically as he tried to save his laptop from the impending inferno.

"Mama-f**ker, I’m a-doing science!" Mario retorted, his voice muffled by the pasta protruding from his face.

Meggy sighed, rubbing her temples. "I don't think that counts as science, Red. That just counts as being an idiot."

Before Tari could chime in with a worried observation about the structural integrity of the trash can, the air in the center of the room began to ripple. A swirling vortex of violet and black energy tore open the fabric of reality, howling with a mechanical screech that drowned out Mario’s humming.

"What the hell is that?!" Bob yelled, diving behind a sofa.

The portal’s gravitational pull surged. Mario, being the closest and also the most aerodynamically challenged, found himself lifted off his feet. The spaghetti flew out of his nose like tiny wooden missiles.

"Waaaaah! My spaghetti! My life! My dignity!" Mario shrieked as he was sucked toward the rift.

"Mario!" Meggy lunged forward, grabbing his hand. SMG4 and Saiko piled on, forming a human chain to pull the plumber back.

"Hold on, fat boy!" Saiko grunted, her boots sliding against the floorboards.

The portal gave one final, violent tug. With a sound like a popping balloon, Mario was ripped from their grasp. The rift vanished instantly, leaving the crew staring at an empty patch of carpet.

Mario hit the ground with a wet thud. Except, it wasn't grass or carpet. It was cold. Very cold.

"Oof! My ovaries!" Mario groaned, peeling his face off the frozen ground.

He stood up and brushed the snow off his overalls, looking around with a vacant expression. This definitely wasn't the Mushroom Kingdom. The sky was a perpetual, swirling abyss of dark clouds and shattered moonlight. Giant, skeletal skyscrapers loomed in the distance, their metal ribs exposed to the biting wind. The ground was littered with rusted cars and... skeletons?

"Ooh, spooky," Mario remarked, picking up a robotic skull and staring into its empty eye sockets. "You got any snacks in there, Mr. Bone-Man?"

Finding no snacks, he tossed the skull over his shoulder and began to wander. He hummed a jaunty tune, completely oblivious to the fact that he was walking through a graveyard of a dead civilization. He spent a few minutes trying to eat a frozen stop sign, then entertained himself by sliding down a pile of rusted girders.

High above, perched on the edge of a jagged ruin, a pair of neon-yellow eyes flickered to life.

V tilted her head, her sensors recalibrating. She had seen many things on Copper 9—mostly screaming Workers and the occasional malfunctioning drone—but she had never seen... whatever *that* was. It was round, wore bright red, and possessed a mustache that seemed to defy the laws of physics.

"What is that?" she whispered to herself, her wings twitching with predatory interest.

She watched as the strange creature tripped over a pebble, fell flat on his face, did a backflip, and then started clapping for himself. There was a strange, chaotic energy radiating from him. He didn't look afraid. He looked... stupid. But in a way that was strangely captivating.

"Target sighted," V purred, her digital mouth curving into a sadistic grin. "He looks... fun to break."

Mario had stopped by a frozen fountain to try and perform a mating dance for a nearby security camera when he felt the air shift. A shadow loomed over him, smelling of oil and ozone.

Before he could say "Mamma Mia," a weight slammed into his back, pinning him to the icy floor.

V stood over him, her metallic claws dug into the ground on either side of his head. Her wings were flared, casting a terrifying silhouette against the moon. Her visor displayed a jagged, glowing "X" where her eyes should be.

"Found you, little snack," she hissed, her voice a mix of static and velvet.

Mario blinked, looking up at the terrifying murder machine. He didn't scream. He didn't struggle. He simply reached up and poked V's nose.

"Boop!" Mario giggled.

V froze. The "X" on her visor flickered back into wide, neon circles. "What... did you just do?"

"You have a shiny nose," Mario said, tilting his head. "Are you a toaster? Can you make-a the toast? Mario is very hungry."

V stared at him, her internal processors whirring. She was a Disassembly Drone. She was built for slaughter. Usually, when she tackled something, it spent its last moments begging for mercy or leaking oil everywhere. This... thing... was looking at her like she was a kitchen appliance.

She noticed the roundness of his face, the way his mustache twitched when he talked, and the sheer, unadulterated lack of thoughts behind his blue eyes. It was... cute? No, that wasn't the right word. It was fascinating. Like a stray puppy that didn't realize it was standing in a lion's den.

"You're weird," V muttered, though she didn't move. She found herself leaning in closer, sniffing him. He smelled like flour, tomato sauce, and poor life choices. "I like weird things."

Mario patted her metallic cheek. "I like-a you too, Toaster Lady. You're very shiny. But Mario has to go find a bathroom. I've been holding it in since the portal."

He wiggled out from under her. Surprisingly, V let him go. She stood there, her tail flicking back and forth like a cat's, watching him waddle away. Her sensors focused on his backside as he walked, her digital blush sensors flickering a faint yellow.

"Intriguing," she whispered, her wings folding neatly behind her. "I think I'll keep him."

She began to trail him, moving silently through the shadows of the ruins. Every time Mario did something incredibly moronic—like trying to pick a fight with a frozen corpse or accidentally setting his own hat on fire—V felt a strange surge of protective possessiveness. He was her little idiot now.

Mario eventually reached a clearing surrounded by the husks of old buses. He turned around, sensing someone was behind him.

"Hey, Toaster Lady! You want to see Mario do a trick?"

Before he could show her his "invisible spaghetti" routine, another rift tore open in the middle of the clearing.

"There he is!" Meggy's voice rang out.

The SMG4 crew tumbled out of the portal, weapons drawn. SMG4 held his meme-energy remote, Meggy had her Splattershot, and Saiko was swinging her massive hammer.

"Mario! Get away from that thing!" SMG4 yelled, pointing at the dark silhouette behind the plumber.

V didn't hesitate. In a blur of silver and chrome, she landed in front of Mario, her hands transforming into razor-sharp blades. Her wings flared out to their full span, and the "X" returned to her visor, glowing with lethal intent.

A low, guttural growl vibrated from her chest. The temperature in the clearing seemed to drop even further.

"Back off, flesh-bags," V hissed, her voice distorted by a killing program.

"Red, move!" Meggy shouted, leveling her gun at V. "That thing is a monster!"

Mario, who was currently trying to tie his shoelaces together for no apparent reason, looked up with a confused expression. "Huh? Who? Toaster Lady? She's-a my friend! She didn't even try to eat me once!"

"Mario, she has literal chainsaws for hands!" SMG4 cried out in exasperation.

V stepped closer to Mario, her tail wrapping protectively around his waist, pulling him flush against her metallic frame. She bared her fangs at the newcomers, a sinister hiss escaping her vents.

"He stays with me," V declared, her yellow eyes narrowed. "I found him. He's mine."

"Yours?!" Saiko stepped forward, slamming her hammer into the ground. "He's our idiot! Give him back before I turn you into a scrap heap!"

V’s blades clinked together as she took a defensive stance. "Try it, pinky. I haven't had a good hunt in hours, and you look like you'd bleed beautifully."

The crew hesitated. They had fought demons, gods, and internet viruses, but there was something uniquely terrifying about the way this drone looked at them—and the way she held Mario. It wasn't just hunger; it was a psychotic brand of affection.

"Mario, come here right now!" SMG4 pleaded. "We have spaghetti at home! The good kind! With the meatballs!"

Mario’s ears perked up. "Spaghetti? With-a the meatballs?"

He started to take a step toward his friends, but V’s tail tightened around him, and she leaned down, her cold, metallic face pressing against his.

"I can find you something better than spaghetti, little thing," she whispered loud enough for the others to hear. "I'll show you how to break things. We can hunt together. You’re much too... entertaining... to let go."

Mario looked at V, then back at the crew, then back at V. He seemed to be weighing the pros and cons of interdimensional travel versus being the pet of a homicidal robot.

"Does the hunting involve explosions?" Mario asked.

V smirked, her fangs glinting. "The biggest."

Mario looked at SMG4 and gave a thumbs up. "Sorry, guys. Mario has a new girlfriend. She's a bit stabby, but she has a great personality."

"Mario, no!" the crew shouted in unison.

"Mario, yes!" he cheered.

V let out a manic laugh, her wings beating the air as she prepared to engage. "You heard the round one. Now, leave... or I’ll start harvesting your organs for fun."

The standoff intensified as Meggy took a determined step forward. "We're not leaving without him, you crazy toaster!"

"Then I guess I'll just have to make sure there's nothing left of you to take him back," V replied, her visor flickering with a sadistic joy.

As the two groups prepared to clash, Mario simply sat down in the snow, pulled a stray mushroom out of his pocket, and started snacking.

"Ooh, boy," Mario muttered with a mouth full of fungus. "This is gonna be better than the time I saw Bob try to fight a blender."