Mario's charm

The sun was shining over the Mushroom Kingdom, or at least it was shining on the suspiciously expensive-looking spires of SMG4’s brand new castle. Inside, the atmosphere was one of chaotic domesticity. SMG4 was hunched over a computer monitor, muttering about algorithms and "dead memes," while Meggy was practicing her kicks in the foyer. Luigi was busy dusting a portrait of a very round bird, and Tari was focused intently on a handheld gaming device.

And then there was Mario.

Mario was currently trying to see how many raw spaghetti noodles he could fit into his nose while balancing a plate of spaghetti on his head. It was a delicate art form that only a man of his specific mental caliber could achieve.

"Ooh, look at me! I’m a spicy meatball unicorn!" Mario cheered, dancing a little jig.

"Mario, please don't get sauce on the new rug," SMG4 called out without looking up. "It cost more than your entire life insurance policy."

"Mamaf—"

Mario didn't get to finish his thought. A low, vibrating hum began to resonate through the floorboards. In the center of the room, space itself seemed to tear open, revealing a swirling, violent vortex of purple energy.

"What the heck is that?!" Meggy shouted, dropping into a combat stance.

"It looks like a glitch! But... purple?" SMG4 stood up, his eyes widening.

The vacuum force of the portal suddenly intensified, and like a magnet for bad luck, it locked onto Mario. The plumber’s eyes bugged out as he was lifted off his feet.

"WAAAAAAH! HELP-A MARIO! THE TOILET IS ANGRY!" Mario screamed, flailing his arms as he was sucked toward the rift.

"Mario!" Luigi cried, lunging forward to grab his brother’s hand. Meggy and Tari jumped in to help, forming a human—and inkling and cyborg—chain.

"Pull! Pull like you’re trying to get the last slice of pizza!" SMG4 yelled.

But the vortex was relentless. With a sound like a giant cork popping, Mario was yanked out of their grip. The purple rift snapped shut, leaving the castle in a deafening, dust-settling silence.

***

Mario felt like he had been put through a blender set to 'Stupid.' When his vision finally stopped spinning, he realized he wasn't in the castle anymore. He wasn't even in the Mushroom Kingdom.

The air was freezing, biting through his overalls. The sky wasn't blue, but a dark, oppressive void filled with the ruins of a shattered moon. He shifted, trying to sit up, and heard a sickening *crunch* of metal.

Looking down, Mario realized he wasn't sitting on grass. He was perched atop a massive, horrifying mountain of robotic corpses. They were white, sleek, and very, very dead.

"Ooh... did Mario break the toys?" he muttered, picking up a severed robotic arm and poking his own cheek with it. "Hello? Is anybody home? I’d like to order one large pizza with extra everything, including the box."

High above, perched on a rusted girding of a collapsed skyscraper, two figures watched him. They were sleek, winged, and possessed glowing yellow eyes that flickered with a predatory light. These were Disassembly Drones—Murder Drones—built for the sole purpose of slaughter.

The one known as V licked a drop of oil off her metallic claw, her digital eyes narrowing into small, focused rings. "What is... that?" she hissed, her voice a mix of static and curiosity. "It’s not a worker drone. It’s... squishy."

The second drone, a sleek female with a sharp, bobbed hairstyle, tilted her head. "It looks like a human. But humans are extinct here. And humans aren't usually that... round."

"He looks like he’s made of ham," V remarked. She watched as Mario stood up on the pile of corpses, accidentally tripped, and tumbled down the mountain of metal like a fleshy bowling ball, making loud "D'oh!" and "Oof!" noises the whole way down.

By the time he hit the bottom, Mario simply stood up, dusted off his hat, and started humming a jaunty tune as if he hadn't just fallen fifty feet onto jagged scrap metal.

"I like him," the second drone whispered, a strange, digital blush appearing on her visor. "He’s got... durability."

V didn't respond, but her claws retracted into hands. For the first time in her murderous life, she didn't feel like killing. She felt like... observing. Or perhaps, catching.

Mario, oblivious to the existential dread of the planet Copper 9, began to wander. He walked past frozen skeletons and rusted cars, occasionally stopping to kick a pebble or try to eat a piece of frozen scrap metal (which he promptly spat out with a disgusted "Mama mia").

He was currently exploring a snowy alleyway when a small, purple-clad figure leaped out from behind a dumpster. She was holding a massive, glowing green railgun.

"Freeze, you oil-sucking—!"

Uzi stopped mid-sentence. Her digital eyes widened as she stared at the creature in front of her. It wasn't a Murder Drone. It was a man in an 'M' hat with a mustache that looked like it had its own zip code.

Mario stopped and blinked. "Oh, hello! Do you have any snacks? Mario is very hungry and the metal people taste like pennies."

Uzi felt her internal processors stutter. She had spent her whole life hating humans for abandoning her kind, but this human... he looked like a friendly thumb. He wasn't scary. He was actually kind of... adorable?

A deep, violet blush surged across her visor. Her railgun lowered, the barrel drooping toward the snow. "I... uh... you're a human?"

"I'm-a Mario!" he replied cheerfully, hopping past her with a skip in his step. "Nice to meet you, Purple Toaster Girl!"

Uzi stood there for a second, her fans whirring at maximum speed. "Wait! You can't just wander around here! There are things that will eat you!"

She scrambled after him, her usual angst replaced by a sudden, overwhelming urge to keep this strange, round creature safe. She stayed close to his side, her hand hovering near his arm, ready to blast anything that looked at him funny.

Suddenly, a ringing sound echoed through the desolate street. It wasn't a drone alarm; it was a rhythmic, upbeat jingle.

Mario reached into his pocket and pulled out a high-tech phone that seemed to be vibrating violently. "Ooh! It’s the SMG-Idiot!"

He pressed the button and a holographic projection of SMG4 appeared in the air.

"Mario! Thank God!" SMG4 shouted, his face frantic. "I’ve been trying to lock onto your coordinates for an hour! Where are you? Are you okay?"

Uzi’s eyes immediately turned into sharp red warning signs. She stepped in front of Mario, glaring at the hologram of SMG4 as if it were a mortal enemy.

"Who are you?!" she hissed, her railgun humming to life. "Stay away from him! He’s with me!"

"Whoa! Is that a robot?" SMG4 backed away from his camera. "Mario, who is that? And why does she look like she wants to murder me through the screen?"

"She’s my new toaster friend!" Mario said, trying to pat Uzi on the head. She leaned into the touch, her digital eyes briefly turning into hearts before she remembered to be angry again.

From the shadows above, the two Disassembly Drones descended. V landed with a heavy metallic thud on one side of Mario, while the other female drone landed on the other.

"Back off, short-stack," V snarled at Uzi, her hands transforming into shimmering blades. "The meat-thing belongs to us."

"In your dreams, psycho!" Uzi barked, stepping closer to Mario’s leg.

Mario, meanwhile, was completely unbothered. "Ooh, more friends! We can have a party! Does anyone have a grill? I have a sudden craving for roasted lugnuts."

"Mario, listen to me!" SMG4’s voice cracked through the tension. "The portal is reopening! We’re pulling you back! Just stay still!"

The ground began to shake. The same purple vortex from before tore open in the middle of the snowy street. The vacuum force began to tug at Mario’s clothes.

"Oh, boy! Time to go home!" Mario cheered.

"No!" Uzi cried, grabbing onto Mario’s waist. "You're not leaving!"

"He’s coming with us!" V shouted, her wings unfurling as she and her companion grabbed Mario’s arms.

The SMG4 crew on the other side were pulling with all their might. On the Copper 9 side, three highly dangerous, emotionally unstable robots were refusing to let go.

With a massive *THWUMP*, the tug-of-war ended. Mario was launched through the portal, and because they were holding on with the grip of a hydraulic press, the three drones were dragged along for the ride.

***

Back in the Mushroom Kingdom castle, the portal collapsed with a final, sparking pop. Mario landed face-first on the plush carpet with a muffled "Oof."

"Mario! You're back!" Luigi cheered, running forward.

But as the dust cleared, the crew realized Mario wasn't alone.

Uzi was wrapped around Mario’s waist like a koala, her railgun pointed directly at SMG4. V was draped over his back, her chin resting on his hat, claws out and glinting. The third drone was hugging his left leg, looking up at him with a terrifyingly sweet smile. All three of them were emitting a low, warning growl—or in Uzi’s case, a digital hiss.

Mario didn't seem to mind. He crawled over to the sofa, dragging the three drones with him, and flopped onto the cushions.

"Ah... home sweet home," Mario sighed, closing his eyes. "Now, where is my spaghetti?"

Luigi tentatively stepped forward, his hands raised. "Uh, Mario? Are you okay? Who are your... uh... metallic lady friends?"

He reached out a hand to pat Mario’s shoulder, trying to see if his brother was injured.

*HISSSSSS!*

Uzi’s visor flashed a giant red 'X'. In a blur of motion, she swiped at Luigi’s hand, missing by an inch but sending the plumber stumbling backward in terror. V’s wings flared open, knocking over a nearby vase, while her tail—tipped with a needle of yellow acid—pointed straight at Luigi’s throat.

"Touch the round one and you lose the hand, green-thing," V purred dangerously.

"He’s ours now!" Uzi snapped, hugging Mario tighter. "Go find your own human!"

Luigi scrambled behind SMG4, trembling. "Mario! Do something! Your friends are scary!"

Mario just let out a long, loud snore. He was already fast asleep, sandwiched between three deadly machines that looked ready to start World War III if anyone so much as breathed in his direction.

SMG4 looked at the scene—the absolute chaos of his new castle, the broken vase, and the three murderous robots currently nesting on his best friend. He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Well," SMG4 muttered, "at least he’s not dead. But I am definitely not paying for their oil."