Mario's Yandere drones

The sun was shining brightly over the Mushroom Kingdom, casting a golden glow upon the pristine, white walls of SMG4’s brand-new castle. It was a rare day of relative peace. Inside the foyer, Luigi was busy dusting a collection of trophies that seemed to get weirder by the year, while Meggy was practicing her combat stances in the corner. Saiko was tuning her guitar, and SMG4 himself was hunched over a laptop, likely screaming internally about the latest YouTube algorithm changes.

In the center of it all was Mario. He was currently trying to see how many marshmallows he could fit into his mouth while balancing a plate of spaghetti on his head.

"Oof! Look at me go!" Mario muffled through a mouthful of sugar.

"Mario, please don't get fluff on the new carpet," SMG4 sighed without looking up. "It took three weeks to get the smell of the last castle out of my clothes."

Suddenly, the air in the center of the room began to ripple. A low, humming sound vibrated through the floorboards, growing into a violent roar. A swirl of deep violet and obsidian energy tore through the fabric of reality, forming a jagged, swirling vortex.

"What the heck is that?!" Tari yelled, dropping her controller.

The suction was instantaneous. Mario, still holding his plate of spaghetti, felt his feet leave the ground. "Mamma mia! My lunch is escaping!"

"Mario!" Luigi screamed, lunging forward to grab his brother’s hand.

The crew scrambled, forming a human chain to pull the plumber back. Meggy grabbed Luigi’s waist, and Saiko planted her boots firmly into the floor, gripping Meggy’s shoulders. For a moment, it was a tug-of-war against the void. But the vortex gave one final, powerful heave.

With a sickening *pop*, Mario was wrenched free. He vanished into the purple maw, and the portal snapped shut, leaving nothing but a few stray marshmallows bouncing on the floor.

"Mario!" Meggy cried out to the empty air.

***

Mario didn't fall so much as he tumbled through a kaleidoscope of nightmares. When he finally hit solid ground, it wasn't grass or stone. It was cold, metallic, and... crunchy.

"Ouchie," Mario groaned, rubbing his backside. He looked down and blinked. He wasn't on a floor; he was sitting atop a massive pile of white-and-black robotic limbs. Discarded heads with hollowed-out eyes stared back at him. "Hey, who turned off the lights? And why is the ground made of trash?"

He stood up, dusting off his overalls. The sky above him was a swirling abyss of snow and copper-colored clouds. He was on a frozen, desolate planet, surrounded by the ruins of a civilization he didn't recognize.

High above, perched on the rusted remains of a skyscraper, two figures watched him. They were sleek, silver-haired, and possessed large, yellow neon eyes that flickered with curiosity. These were Disassembly Drones—predators of the highest order.

"Is that... a human?" one of them whispered, her voice a melodic, digital chime. She adjusted her cap, her tail—a wicked syringe filled with yellow acid—twitching with excitement.

"It looks like one," the other replied, her silver pigtails swaying as she leaned over the ledge. "But he’s... rounder. And he smells like tomato sauce."

They watched as Mario hopped off the pile of corpses, performed a triple jump for absolutely no reason, and started whistling a jaunty tune while walking toward a ruined city block. Normally, they would have swooped down to harvest his oil or tear him apart, but there was something about the way he moved—a complete and utter lack of fear—that struck a chord in their programming they didn't know existed.

"He’s kind of... cute," the first drone murmured, a faint digital blush appearing on her visor in the shape of two pink lines.

"I saw him first, V," the other snapped playfully, though her own sensors were spiking with an odd sense of attraction.

Mario, meanwhile, was having a grand old time. "Wow, this place is great! No taxes, no Bowser, and lots of free scrap metal for me to throw at people!" He picked up a discarded robotic arm and used it as a walking stick.

As he rounded a corner into a snow-covered alleyway, a shadow darted out from behind a dumpster. A small, purple-eyed female drone stood there, wielding a makeshift railgun that hummed with lethal energy.

"Hold it right there, weirdo!" Uzi yelled, her finger twitching on the trigger. "Are you with the JCJenson—"

She stopped. Her optics widened as she took in the sight of the man before her. He wore bright red, had a magnificent mustache, and was currently picking his nose with a look of pure vacancy.

The hostility drained out of Uzi’s circuits. Her railgun lowered slightly. Her core, usually filled with angst and a desire to murder all humans, suddenly felt warm. A deep, violet blush spread across her visor.

"Uh... hello?" Mario said, waving the severed robot arm at her.

"You're... you're a human," Uzi stammered, her voice losing its edge. "But you're not like the ones in the manuals. You look like... a giant strawberry."

Mario chuckled, patting his belly. "Mario is a superstar! Do you have any spaghetti in this dump?"

Uzi didn't answer. She was too busy staring at the way his mustache bounced when he talked. She felt a sudden, overwhelming urge to protect this strange, soft creature from the harsh world around them. When Mario hopped past her, humming his theme song, she found her legs moving on their own, following him like a lost puppy.

"Hey! Wait up!" Uzi called out, staying remarkably close to his side. "It's dangerous out here! There are things that want to eat you!"

"Don't worry, purple girl! Mario has survived much worse! Have you ever met a man named Waluigi? Now that's scary!"

As they walked, the two Disassembly Drones from earlier—Serial Designation V and her companion—dropped from the sky, landing silently behind them. Usually, they would have attacked Uzi on sight, but their focus remained entirely on the back of Mario’s head. They fell into step behind the pair, forming a protective, albeit terrifying, escort.

Suddenly, a ringing sound echoed through the desolate air. Mario reached into his pocket and pulled out a cracked smartphone.

"Ooh! It's the SMG4!" Mario pressed the button and put it on speaker.

"Mario! Are you there?!" SMG4’s voice screamed through the tiny speaker. "We’ve been trying to recalibrate the portal! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Are you being held hostage by aliens?!"

The moment the voice spoke, the atmosphere shifted. Uzi’s eyes turned into warning triangles, and she lunged forward, grabbing Mario’s arm. "Who is that?! Why is he yelling at you?!"

V and her partner hissed, their hands shifting into razor-sharp claws as they hovered over Mario’s other shoulder. They glared at the phone as if it were a sentient enemy trying to steal their prize.

"It’s just my friend!" Mario told them, oblivious to the murderous intent radiating from the three drones. "He wants to take me home!"

"No!" Uzi growled, her grip tightening on his sleeve. "You're staying here. It's safe here. I’ll build you a bunker. I’ll kill anyone who looks at you funny!"

"Yeah," V added, her voice dropping to a dangerous, purring low. "We can keep you in a nice, sturdy cage. For your own protection, of course."

Before Mario could explain that he didn't like cages unless they were made of chocolate, the purple vortex ripped open directly beneath his feet once again.

"We got him! Pull!" SMG4’s voice echoed from the other side.

"Mamma mia, here we go again!" Mario yelled.

As he was sucked downward, he didn't go alone. Uzi grabbed his waist with a death grip. V and her partner grabbed onto Uzi and Mario’s legs, refusing to let their new obsession vanish into the void.

The transition was a blur of light and screaming. With a thunderous crash, Mario slammed onto the floor of the castle foyer, followed immediately by three metallic bodies that landed on top of him.

"Ugh... my liver," Mario groaned.

"Mario! You're back!" Meggy cheered, rushing forward.

She stopped dead in her tracks. Standing over a dazed Mario were three robotic nightmares. Their yellow and purple eyes glowed with predatory intensity. Uzi was clutching Mario’s arm like a lifeline, while the two Disassembly Drones flanked him, their tails swishing dangerously and their claws bared at the SMG4 crew.

"Back off!" Uzi snarled, her railgun charging with a high-pitched whine. "He’s ours now!"

V let out a manic giggle, her eyes flickering into an 'X' shape. "Touch the red one and you lose a limb. I’m feeling generous today, so I’ll let you choose which one."

The SMG4 crew backed away slowly, hands raised.

"Mario," SMG4 whispered, sweating profusely. "Who are your... friends?"

Mario, appearing completely unfazed by the fact that he was being guarded by three killing machines, simply stood up, shaking the drones off just enough to walk toward the living room.

"They're my new fan club!" Mario announced happily. "Now move aside, Mario needs his stories."

He walked over to the plush sofa and flopped down. Immediately, the three drones scrambled to join him. Uzi sat on his left, leaning her head against his shoulder while keeping her railgun pointed at the kitchen. V sat on his right, twirling a lock of her silver hair while staring at Mario’s profile with a look of pure adoration. The third drone perched itself on the back of the sofa, looming over him like a protective gargoyle.

Mario reached for the remote and clicked on the television.

"Breaking News!" the news anchor’s voice blared. "Local man Mario has once again been charged with massive tax evasion and the destruction of three public parks!"

A picture of Mario’s face appeared on the screen with the word 'WANTED' in big, bold letters.

SMG4 and the rest of the crew groaned, facepalming in unison. "Of course," Saiko muttered. "He’s back for five minutes and he’s already a fugitive again."

The three drones, however, stared at the screen with intense fascination. They didn't understand what 'taxes' were, but they understood the concept of being a wanted outlaw.

"Wow," Uzi whispered, her eyes sparkling. "You're a rebel against the system too? That is... so hot."

V nodded in agreement, her digital blush deepening. "A criminal mastermind. I knew there was a reason I didn't kill him instantly."

Mario just picked his nose and changed the channel to a documentary about spaghetti. "Shhh! The noodles are talking!"

The crew stood in the doorway, watching as the most dangerous robots in the multiverse snuggled up to a man who thought a rock was a pet.

"So..." Luigi said, breaking the silence. "Are we just going to let them stay?"

SMG4 looked at V’s claws, which were currently carving 'MARIO + V' into the mahogany armrest of his expensive sofa. He then looked at Uzi, who was glaring at him as if she were calculating the fastest way to disintegrate his skull.

"I think," SMG4 said, slowly backing out of the room, "that Mario can handle this one on his own."

"Incoming!" Mario shouted, pointing at the TV. "The meatballs are falling!"

As the drones leaned in closer to see the 'falling meatballs,' Mario let out a content sigh, finally relaxing. He was home, he had his show, and he had three new bodyguards who were more than happy to murder anyone who interrupted his nap. All in all, it was a pretty good Tuesday.