Mario's fanclub

The main hall of the reconstructed Peach's Castle was usually a place of chaotic energy, but today, the chaos had a very specific, unsettling rhythm. At the center of it all was Mario. He was currently lying flat on his stomach on the polished floor, attempting to use a single piece of uncooked spaghetti to fish a dropped nickel out of a floor vent. His tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth, and he was making wet, slurping noises that echoed off the high ceilings.

"Come to Papa, you shiny circle of joy," Mario muttered, his eyes crossing as he focused intensely on the task.

A few feet away, SMG4 stood with his hands on his hips, a look of profound exhaustion on his face. He was used to Mario being a nuisance, but something felt different today. The air in the room was thick, almost heavy. It wasn't until he looked past Mario that he realized why.

Lined up against the far wall like a row of silent sentinels were Meggy, Tari, Saiko, and Melony. Even Karen, the perpetually unimpressed cat-waitress who usually couldn't stand Mario’s existence, was leaning against a pillar, her tail twitching in a rhythmic, contemplative fashion.

They weren't talking. They weren't even looking at each other. Their eyes were all locked onto the red-hatted plumber with an intensity that bordered on the supernatural.

"Uh, hey girls?" SMG4 asked, waving a hand tentatively. "You guys okay? You’ve been staring at Mario for like... twenty minutes. He’s literally just drooling on the floor."

Meggy didn't look away from Mario. Her eyes were wide, a faint, dreamy smile playing on her lips. "Look at that technique, SMG4. The way he refuses to give up on that nickel... it’s so driven. So passionate."

"He’s been trying to get it for an hour and he's already broken three pieces of pasta," SMG4 pointed out.

Tari clasped her hands together, her cybernetic eye whirring softly as she zoomed in on Mario’s face. "He’s just so... pure. There isn't a single thought behind those eyes. It’s like looking at a sunset, but with more tomato sauce."

Saiko, who usually expressed affection through threats of violence, was uncharacteristically quiet. She had her arms crossed, but her usual scowl had been replaced by a soft, thoughtful expression. "There’s a certain... chaotic elegance to his stupidity. He doesn't care about the world. He just wants his nickel. I respect that."

Melony was hugging her pillow, nodding slowly in agreement. "He’s like a big, round puppy. A puppy that smells like old cheese and desperation."

SMG4 backed away slowly, his brow furrowed. He turned to see Fishy Boopkins and Bob standing near the kitchen entrance. Boopkins looked genuinely terrified, while Bob was just confused.

"Hey, what’s with the fan club?" Bob asked, his gravelly voice cutting through the weirdly romantic atmosphere. "Did Mario accidentally swallow a magnet that attracts girls instead of garbage?"

"I don't know, Bob," SMG4 whispered. "I think they've finally snapped. The sheer amount of Mario-induced brain rot has finally caused a localized shift in reality."

Bob snorted, walking toward Mario with his usual swagger. "Yo, fatass! You look like a total loser down there. Give it up, the nickel probably fell into the basement. You’re being even more of a moron than usual, and that’s saying something."

The reaction was instantaneous.

Before Bob could finish his next insult, five pairs of eyes snapped toward him. The air in the room dropped ten degrees. Saiko reached for the handle of her massive hammer, the wood creaking under her grip. Meggy’s hand drifted toward her Splattershot, her expression hardening into something lethal. Even Tari, the gentlest soul in the Mushroom Kingdom, was giving Bob a look that suggested she was calculating exactly how many ways she could glitch him into a wall.

Karen stepped forward, her claws extending with a sharp *shink*. "You got something to say about him, trash bag?"

Bob froze, his hooded head tilting back as he looked at the wall of feminine fury. "Uh... I was just saying he’s a dumbass? Because he is?"

"He is a delicate flower of a man!" Meggy shouted, stepping into Bob’s personal space. "And if you say one more mean thing to him, I will personally ensure your next 'rap career' is launched from the moon!"

"He’s doing his best!" Tari added, her voice trembling with protective rage. "He’s trying to retrieve a lost treasure! How dare you mock his quest!"

Bob looked at SMG4 for help. SMG4 just shook his head and mouthed the word *'Run'*.

"Okay, okay! Geez!" Bob shouted, holding his blade-arms up in surrender. "Mario is a beautiful genius! Please don't kill me!"

The girls immediately relaxed, their attention snapping back to Mario as if someone had flipped a switch. Mario, completely oblivious to the fact that his life had just been defended by a small army, finally managed to wedge the spaghetti under the nickel.

"Aha! Victory for Mario!" he yelled, jumping to his feet and thrusting the dirty, lint-covered coin into the air.

"Yay, Mario!" Melony cheered, clapping her hands softly.

"So brave," Karen muttered, a faint blush creeping onto her fur.

Mario blinked, finally noticing the crowd. "Oh, hey guys. You want to see my nickel? It tastes like copper and floor wax." He held it out toward Meggy.

Meggy took it as if he were handing her a diamond. "I’ll cherish it forever, Mario."

"Can I have a hug?" Tari asked, her voice small.

Mario shrugged. "Sure, whatever. You smell like blueberries." He gave her a quick, clumsy squeeze, and Tari looked like she was about to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

SMG4 grabbed Bob and Boopkins by the shoulders and dragged them into the kitchen, swinging the door shut.

"Okay, we have a problem," SMG4 said, pacing back and forth. "A serious, 'end-of-the-world' level problem. Mario has somehow become a chick magnet. And not just any girls—our friends. The ones who usually want to kick his ass!"

"I don't see the problem," Bob said, leaning against the counter. "Maybe I can learn his secrets. Is it the overalls? The mustache? The fact that he hasn't showered since the Obama administration?"

"It’s not a secret, Bob! It’s insanity!" Boopkins wailed. "They looked like they were going to eat you! I don't like it when everyone’s mean!"

"We need to figure out what caused this," SMG4 said, peering through the small circular window in the kitchen door.

Outside, Saiko was currently using her hammer to smash open a vending machine because Mario had mentioned he wanted a snack. She handed him a bag of chips with a look of intense devotion.

"Look at them," SMG4 whispered. "They’re catering to his every whim. Mario with that kind of power is dangerous. He’s going to accidentally start a cult or destroy the castle by lunch."

Suddenly, the kitchen door swung open. Karen stood there, her arms crossed.

"Mario says he’s thirsty," she said flatly, though there was an odd glint in her eyes. "Where do you keep the premium orange juice? Not the store brand. The good stuff."

"We don't have premium orange juice, Karen! We have tap water and misery!" SMG4 snapped.

Karen’s eyes narrowed. "Then go get some. Now."

SMG4 felt a chill run down his spine. "Yes, ma'am. Right away."

As Karen walked back to Mario, SMG4 turned to the others. "We need a plan. We need to snap them out of it. Maybe if we show them Mario being... well, Mario, they’ll remember why they usually find him annoying."

"But he’s already being himself!" Boopkins pointed out. "He’s currently trying to put the chips in his nose!"

SMG4 looked through the window again. Mario was indeed trying to shove a Pringle up his nostril. Instead of being disgusted, Meggy and Tari were watching with rapt attention, whispering to each other about how 'experimental' his snacks were.

"Okay, we need to go bigger," SMG4 decided. "We need to trigger his 'annoying' reflex. Bob, go out there and tell him that spaghetti is cancelled. Forever."

"Are you crazy?" Bob hissed. "They’ll turn me into a kebab! Did you see Saiko’s face? She’s one 'mama-fucker' away from snapping my neck!"

"Do it for the sake of the universe, Bob!"

Bob sighed, adjusting his hood. "Fine. But if I die, I want my funeral to be sponsored by Raid: Shadow Legends."

Bob stepped out into the hall. The girls immediately tensed up, but Bob ignored them, focusing on Mario.

"Hey, Mario!" Bob shouted. "I just got a call from the President of Italy! He said you’re banned from eating spaghetti! He said it’s illegal for you specifically!"

The room went silent. Mario froze, a Pringle halfway up his nose. His eyes widened, and his lower lip began to tremble.

"No spaghetti?" Mario whispered, his voice cracking.

"That’s right!" Bob continued, gaining confidence. "No pasta, no meatballs, no nothing! You have to eat kale for the rest of your life!"

Mario let out a wail of pure, unadulterated agony. He threw himself onto the floor, kicking his legs and screaming at the top of his lungs. It was the kind of temper tantrum usually reserved for toddlers who had been told they couldn't eat laundry detergent. He started rolling around, knocking over vases and smearing chip dust into the carpet.

"I hate everything! Life is pain! Waaaaaaah!" Mario bellowed, his face turning a bright shade of purple.

SMG4 smirked from the kitchen. "See? Now they’ll see how annoying he—"

He stopped.

The girls weren't disgusted. They weren't rolling their eyes.

"Oh, you poor thing!" Meggy cried, dropping to her knees and pulling Mario into a hug, despite the fact that he was currently flailing like a fish out of water. "It’s okay! We’ll find the President! We’ll make him pay!"

"He’s expressing his emotions so loudly," Tari sobbed, wiping away a tear. "It’s so brave to be this vulnerable!"

Saiko turned toward Bob, her hammer glowing with a pink, murderous aura. "You... you told him the 'S' word was banned?"

Bob’s eyes went wide. "It was a joke! A prank! For the fans!"

"You broke his heart," Melony said, her voice dropping an octave as she drew her deity sword.

"Wait, wait, wait!" SMG4 yelled, sprinting out of the kitchen. "Stop! It was my idea! I was trying to show you how annoying he is!"

The girls stopped and looked at SMG4. The collective gaze was enough to make his knees buckle.

"Annoying?" Karen asked, stepping forward. "He’s a pure soul in a cruel world, and you’re trying to tarnish that? You’re just jealous, Glitchy."

"Jealous? Of *him*?" SMG4 gestured wildly at Mario, who was now trying to bite Meggy’s shoulder because he thought it might be made of ham.

"He’s perfect," Meggy said firmly, patting Mario’s head as he gnawed on her sleeve. "He’s stupid, and he’s loud, and he smells like a dumpster behind a Pizza Hut, but he’s ours. And if any of you try to mess with his happiness again..."

She didn't finish the sentence, but the sound of Saiko revving her hammer like a chainsaw filled in the blanks.

SMG4 held up his hands. "Okay! Okay! Mario is the king! Mario is the best! We get it!"

Mario stopped crying and looked up, his face covered in tears and salt. "Does this mean I get spaghetti?"

"I’ll make you ten gallons of it," Saiko promised.

"With extra glitter!" Tari added.

Mario cheered, jumping up and accidentally headbutting SMG4 in the process. As the girls led Mario toward the kitchen like a royal procession, SMG4 sat on the floor, rubbing his aching forehead.

Bob sat down next to him. "So... what now?"

"Now?" SMG4 sighed, watching as Melony used her divine powers to float a bowl of pasta over to Mario. "Now we just live in a world where Mario is the protagonist of a harem anime. May God have mercy on our souls."

"As long as I don't have to pay for the spaghetti, I'm cool with it," Bob said, pulling out his phone. "But seriously, I'm gonna need to start wearing a wig if I want this kind of attention."

From the kitchen, the sound of Mario’s loud, obnoxious chewing echoed through the castle, followed by the synchronized, adoring sighs of five girls who had completely lost their minds.

Mario looked at the camera, a strand of noodles hanging from his nose, and gave a thumbs up.

"It's-a-me, Mario! I have no idea what's happening!"