Safe

The morning light filtered through the stained-glass windows of the new Mushroom Kingdom castle, casting vibrant patterns across the polished floors. It was a peaceful morning—or at least, it would have been, if it weren't for the fact that Mario was currently trying to see how many uncooked spaghetti noodles he could fit into his nostrils while balancing a plate of meatballs on his head.

"Look at me! I’m a spicy unicorn!" Mario shouted, his voice echoing through the grand foyer. He let out a loud, wet snort, sending a few shards of pasta flying toward a nearby suit of armor.

SMG4 stood a few feet away, clutching his coffee mug with a grip so tight his knuckles were white. He rubbed his temples, feeling a migraine forming. "Mario, it’s eight in the morning. Please, just for five minutes, try to be a functioning member of society."

"Society is for people who don't have noodles in their nose, Glitchy!" Mario retorted, crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue.

However, SMG4 wasn't the only one watching. Tucked away in the shadow of the grand staircase stood a group of five girls, their eyes fixed on the red-clad plumber with an intensity that could only be described as frightening.

Meggy, Saiko, Tari, Melony, and even Karen the cat-burger flipper were standing in a semi-circle, watching Mario’s every move. Usually, this group would be the first to roll their eyes or give Mario a swift kick for his antics, but today, something had shifted.

Meggy leaned against the banister, a faint, uncharacteristic blush dusting her cheeks. "You know," she whispered, her voice surprisingly soft. "There’s something... brave about how he just doesn't care what anyone thinks. It’s kind of inspiring."

Saiko, who usually had zero patience for Mario’s idiocy, nodded slowly, her grip tightening on her giant hammer—not out of anger, but out of a strange, protective instinct. "He’s a pure soul. An idiot, yes, but a pure one. It’s... alluring."

Tari fidgeted with her sleeves, her blue eyes wide. "He’s like a big, clumsy puppy. You just want to make sure he doesn't accidentally walk off a cliff."

Melony didn't say anything, but she had abandoned her usual nap to watch Mario. She clutched her deity sword, her gaze sharp and focused on any potential threat to the plumber’s "innocence."

Even Karen, who looked like she would rather be anywhere else, found herself unable to look away. "I deal with Karens and idiots all day at the store," she muttered, her tail twitching. "But his brand of stupidity is... refreshing. It’s honest."

SMG4 noticed the silence from the girls and glanced over. He blinked, confused. "Uh, girls? You okay? You’re staring at him like he’s a giant golden pizza."

"Shut up, Four," Saiko snapped, though her eyes never left Mario. "You wouldn't understand the complexity of his character."

"Character?" SMG4 sputtered. "He’s currently trying to eat his own shoelaces!"

Indeed, Mario had moved on from the spaghetti and was now gnawing on his brown boot, making loud, slurping noises. "Mmm... tastes like adventure and foot fungus," Mario mumbled happily.

At that moment, Bob walked into the room, his golden blades glinting in the light. He took one look at Mario and let out a harsh, metallic laugh.

"Holy crap, look at this loser," Bob jeered, pointing a blade at Mario. "Yo, Mario! You look like a dumpster fire that someone tried to put out with more garbage. You’re so pathetic even the birds wouldn't poop on you because they have standards."

Usually, the group would either ignore Bob or join in on the lighthearted roasting. But the air in the room suddenly turned ice-cold.

The five girls turned their heads in unison, staring at Bob with expressions of pure, unadulterated coldness. It was the kind of look that suggested Bob’s life insurance policy was about to be cashed in.

"What did you just say?" Meggy asked, her voice dropping an octave.

Bob blinked, his green eyes flickering. "I said he’s a—"

Saiko stepped forward, the head of her hammer cracking the floor tile beneath her. "Finish that sentence and I’ll turn your hood into a door mat."

Karen stepped up beside her, her claws unsheathed. "I’ve had a very long shift, Bob. I would love nothing more than to take out my frustrations on a trash bag like you. Apologize to him. Now."

Bob took a step back, his blades trembling. "Whoa, chill! Since when did you guys become the Mario Defense Force? He’s literally licking the floor!"

"He’s cleaning it!" Tari squeaked, though she looked ready to throw her Meta Runner arm into overdrive. "In his own... special way!"

Melony didn't say a word. She simply drew her sword an inch out of its scabbard, the purple glow reflecting in her eyes. The message was clear: *Run.*

"Okay, okay! Gosh! You guys are weird!" Bob turned tail and sprinted out of the room, shouting something about finding Fishy Boopkins to vent to.

Mario, completely oblivious to the fact that a murder had almost occurred on his behalf, finally managed to get his boot off his foot. He looked up at the girls and grinned, a stray noodle still hanging from his ear.

"Hey girls! Do you want to see how many coins I can fit in my mouth? I bet I can do fifty!"

The girls immediately moved toward him, forming a tight circle that effectively cut Mario off from the rest of the world.

"Maybe not fifty, Mario," Meggy said, her voice dripping with a sweetness that made SMG4’s skin crawl. "Why don't we go to the kitchen and I’ll make you some actual spaghetti? The good kind."

"Ooh! With the little meatballs?" Mario asked, his eyes sparkling.

"As many as you want," Saiko promised, placing a hand on his shoulder. Her touch was unusually gentle. "And if anyone tries to stop you, I’ll crush them."

Mario laughed, clapping his hands. "Wahoo! Saiko is nice today! Did you get a haircut or something?"

"Let’s just get you fed, big guy," Karen said, walking on his other side. She glanced back at SMG4 and SMG3, who had just walked in, with a warning glare. "And don't any of you think about giving him chores today. He’s had a stressful morning."

"Stressful?" SMG3 whispered to SMG4 as the group led Mario away. "He was sniffing his own armpits two minutes ago."

"I don't know what’s happening, Three," SMG4 replied, rubbing his eyes. "I think the world has finally broken. They’re... they’re treating him like a king."

As the group moved toward the dining hall, Mario tripped over his own untied shoelace. Before he could even hit the ground, five pairs of hands reached out to catch him.

"Careful!" Tari cried out, looking genuinely panicked. "Are you hurt? Do we need to call a medic?"

"I’m-a fine!" Mario chirped, bouncing back up. "Mario has a head made of rock!"

"It’s a very handsome rock," Melony murmured, patting his hat.

Mario tilted his head, a look of brief confusion crossing his face. "Are you guys okay? You’re acting like Luigi when he watches those scary movies about the vacuum cleaners."

"We’re perfectly fine, Mario," Meggy said, stepping in front of him to block his path to a sharp-edged table. "We just realized that we haven't been looking out for you enough. You’re... important to us."

Mario’s stomach let out a loud, groaning noise that sounded like a dying whale.

"And my stomach is important to me!" Mario declared. "To the kitchen! For spaghetti and glory!"

He took off running, his arms flailing behind him like a Naruto-run gone horribly wrong. The girls didn't hesitate, sprinting after him to ensure he didn't accidentally bump into a wall or choke on his own excitement.

Inside the kitchen, the scene was even more surreal. Usually, Mario was banned from the kitchen for fear of him burning the castle down. Today, he sat at the head of the table like a pampered emperor.

Saiko stood at the stove, her pink hair tied back, expertly tossing a pan of pasta. Karen was busy plating high-quality sauces, while Tari was carefully cutting up vegetables into the shapes of stars and mushrooms because she thought Mario would like them more that way.

Meggy sat next to Mario, leaning her chin on her hand, watching him intently. "You know, Mario, if you ever feel like someone is being mean to you, you just tell us, okay?"

Mario was busy trying to balance a spoon on his nose. "Huh? Oh, sure. But nobody is mean to Mario! Except maybe the IRS. They keep sending me those spicy letters."

"I’ll handle the IRS," Saiko said darkly from the stove. "They won't be bothering you again."

"Wow, thanks!" Mario grinned. "You guys are the bestest friends ever. Usually, you’re yelling at me to 'stop being a dumbass' or 'don't put the cat in the toaster.'"

"We were wrong to say those things," Tari said softly, placing a bowl of star-shaped carrots in front of him. "Your spirit is just... free."

Mario picked up a carrot and squinted at it. "It looks like a ninja star. Can I throw it at SMG4?"

"If it makes you happy," Melony said, appearing from the shadows with a plate of cookies she had somehow acquired.

SMG4 and SMG3 peered through the crack of the kitchen door, watching the display with a mixture of horror and fascination.

"This is a cult," SMG3 whispered. "They’ve started a Mario cult."

"It’s not a cult, it’s worse," SMG4 groaned. "They’re overprotective. Look at them! They’re literally taste-testing his food to make sure it’s not too hot."

Indeed, Meggy was currently blowing on a forkful of spaghetti before offering it to Mario.

"Is it okay? Not too hot?" she asked.

Mario took the bite, sauce smearing across his mustache. "It’s-a perfect! Just like Mama used to make, but without the crying!"

The girls all shared a look—a silent, collective vow. They had spent years mocking him, getting frustrated with him, and saving him from his own mistakes. But something had clicked. In a world full of villains, cosmic threats, and constant stress, Mario was the one constant. He was stupid, yes. He was loud, definitely. But he was theirs.

"We should probably set up a perimeter around his room tonight," Saiko suggested, her voice low as Mario started singing a song about ravioli.

"Agreed," Karen said. "I’ll take the first watch. I’m used to staying up late anyway."

"I’ll handle the security cameras," Tari added. "I can link them to my arm to make sure no one sneaks in to prank him."

Mario, his face now completely covered in tomato sauce, looked up at them and let out a massive, thunderous belch that shook the hanging pots and pans.

The girls didn't flinch. They didn't even grimace.

"Bravo, Mario," Melony said, clapping lightly. "What a powerful resonance."

Mario blinked, a single noodle falling from his head onto his plate. "I think I like this new castle. Everyone is so nice! I should try to be a 'spicy unicorn' more often!"

As Mario went back to his meal, the five girls stood guard around him, a formidable wall of beauty and brawn. They knew he would never truly understand why they were doing this. He would continue to be oblivious, continue to be an idiot, and continue to get into trouble.

But as they watched him struggle to use a fork and eventually give up to use his hands, they all felt the same thing. They would keep him safe. They would keep him happy. And heaven help anyone who dared to get in the way of the Red Plumber’s peace.

Outside the kitchen, SMG4 sighed, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. "Well, Three, I guess we don't have to worry about Mario getting hurt anymore."

SMG3 looked at the door, then back at SMG4. "I’m more worried about us. If I accidentally trip him, I’m pretty sure Saiko is going to bury me in the garden."

"Yeah," SMG4 agreed, staring blankly at the ceiling. "Me too, buddy. Me too."

Inside, the laughter of the oblivious plumber rang out, followed by the sound of Saiko threatening to fight a toaster that had popped up too loudly and startled him. The Mario Fanclub was officially open for business, and they were never going to let him go.