Mario's gonna die

The grand hall of the Mushroom Kingdom castle was filled with the usual chaotic energy that defined a typical Tuesday. Mario, the red-clad plumber known more for his appetite than his intellect, was currently sprawled out on the floor. He wasn't doing anything productive; instead, he was intensely focused on balancing a single piece of uncooked spaghetti on the tip of his nose.

"Mama mia... stay... stay..." Mario muttered, his eyes crossing as he focused on the pasta.

A few feet away at his computer desk, SMG4 was frantically typing. The blue-and-white meme guardian was in the middle of a high-stress editing session, his eyes bloodshot and his hair a mess.

"Mario, for the love of everything holy, could you be quiet for five minutes?" SMG4 snapped without looking back. "The sound of your heavy breathing is literally making it impossible to sync this audio!"

Mario’s eyes widened, and the spaghetti fell from his nose, clattering onto the floor. His mustache drooped, and a small, pathetic whimper escaped his throat. He looked like a puppy that had just been kicked.

"Oh... sorry, SMG4," Mario whispered, his voice cracking. "Mario was just trying to be a circus star."

He sat back on his haunches, hugging his knees and looking down at his boots with a profound sense of sadness. The rejection seemed to radiate off him in waves of pure, innocent sorrow.

Suddenly, the temperature in the room seemed to drop twenty degrees. SMG4 felt a cold shiver run down his spine. He slowly turned his head away from his monitor, expecting to see a glitch or a monster. Instead, he saw a wall of fury.

Saiko stood there, her massive hammer resting on her shoulder, her eyes glowing with a dangerous pink light. Beside her, Meggy had her arms crossed, her goggles pulled down over her eyes, looking ready to go into a Splatfest-level rage. Tari was clutching her meta-runner arm, but her usual timid expression was gone, replaced by a fierce, protective glare. Even Karen, the exhausted cat-mom who usually couldn't be bothered to care about anything, was staring at SMG4 with a look that promised a very painful death.

"What did you just say to him?" Saiko asked, her voice an octave lower than usual.

"I—I just told him to be quiet!" SMG4 stammered, pulling his chair back. "He was being distracting!"

"He was being adorable," Meggy corrected, her voice sharp as a blade. "And you hurt his feelings."

"He's just a little guy," Tari added, her voice trembling not with fear, but with repressed emotion. "How could you be so mean to him?"

Karen stepped forward, her tail twitching irritably. "I deal with annoying customers all day, SMG4. But seeing you talk to him like that? That’s a fireable offense in my book. Maybe I should 'clock you out' permanently."

SMG4 backed his chair into his desk, his hands raised in defense. "Guys, it's Mario! He blows up the castle twice a week! Why are you acting like he’s a precious porcelain doll?"

Ignoring SMG4 entirely, the group of women turned as one toward the red plumber. In an instant, the murderous aura vanished, replaced by a terrifyingly intense level of adoration.

"Mario! Are you okay, sweetie?" Meggy asked, rushing to his side and kneeling in the dust. She reached out and patted his shoulder, her expression softening into something bordering on obsessive.

"Don't listen to that big meanie," Tari said, sitting on his other side and gently adjusting his hat. "You can make all the noise you want. You’re the best."

Saiko loomed over them, but instead of her usual abrasive self, she looked down at Mario with a strange, possessive smile. "If he yells at you again, I'll flatten his computer. And him."

Mario blinked, his brain struggling to process the sudden influx of female attention. He looked from Meggy to Tari, then up at Saiko and Karen. "Uh... Mario likes girls? But Mario likes spaghetti more? Why are you all touching Mario's overalls?"

Karen reached down and scratched him behind the ears. "Just relax, Red. We're here to make sure nobody treats you bad ever again."

Across the room, the rest of the crew watched in absolute silence. Bob, Fishy Boopkins, and SMG3 were huddled near the warp pipe, their jaws hitting the floor.

"Is... is this a prank?" SMG3 whispered, rubbing his eyes. "Since when does Saiko not want to murder Mario? Since when does Karen care about anyone?"

"I don't know, but I'm scared," Boopkins whimpered. "They look like they're going to eat him or something."

Luigi, who had been organizing the pantry, walked into the main hall and stopped dead in his tracks. He rubbed his eyes, convinced he was hallucinating. His brother was currently being smothered in a group hug by four of the most dangerous women in the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Mario?" Luigi called out tentatively. "Is everything okay? You look a little... crowded."

Luigi started to walk toward the group, his hand outstretched to help his brother up. Before he could get within five feet, the girls snapped their heads toward him. The "death glares" that had been aimed at SMG4 were now doubled in intensity and directed straight at the green plumber.

"Back off, Luigi," Saiko growled, gripping her hammer.

"But—but he's my brother!" Luigi squeaked, jumping back. "I just wanted to see if he wanted lunch!"

"He doesn't need you," Meggy said, her eyes narrowing. "We've got him. Go find some coins or something."

"Yeah, beat it, Greenie," Karen hissed, her claws unsheathing slightly. "Don't interrupt his peace."

Luigi felt a cold sweat break out across his forehead. He had never seen them like this. It wasn't just friendship; it was a bizarre, protective obsession that seemed to have sprung out of nowhere. Mario looked like a confused toddler in the middle of a pride of lionesses.

"Hey! Don't be mean to Luigi!" Mario shouted, flailing his arms to get some breathing room.

The girls immediately froze. Their aggressive stances softened instantly at the sound of Mario’s voice.

"But Mario," Tari whispered, "we're just looking out for you."

"Luigi is Mario's brother!" Mario pouted, crossing his arms. "He gives Mario the good snacks. Let him through or Mario is gonna hold his breath until he turns even bluer than SMG4!"

The girls exchanged looks of deep reluctance. It was clear they didn't want anyone else in their "circle," but the thought of Mario being upset was apparently worse than the thought of sharing him with his own brother.

"Fine," Meggy sighed, stepping aside just enough to create a narrow path. "He can come in. But we’re watching you, Luigi."

Luigi shuffled forward nervously, feeling like he was walking through a minefield. As he approached Mario, he could feel the weight of four pairs of eyes boring holes into the back of his head. Every movement he made was scrutinized. When he accidentally bumped into Meggy’s shoulder, she let out a low growl that made his mustache curl.

"Hey, Bro," Luigi whispered, leaning in close to Mario. "What's going on? Did you find a magic lamp? Did you eat a weird mushroom?"

"Mario doesn't know!" Mario whispered back, his eyes wide. "They just started being really nice. Saiko even offered to let me use her hammer to tenderize my meatballs. It’s scary, Luigi! Mario feels like a fancy piece of ham!"

"We can hear you, Mario!" Tari chirped, her smile a bit too wide. "And you're not ham. You're a treasure."

"A very stupid, very precious treasure," Karen added, nodding.

SMG4, who had finally regained some of his courage, stood up from his desk. "Okay, this has gone far enough! Girls, get a grip! It's Mario! He’s the guy who once tried to eat a rock because he thought it was a giant jawbreaker!"

"And he looked adorable doing it!" Meggy shouted back, not even looking at him.

"That's it, I'm calling a meeting," SMG4 declared, throwing his hands up. "We need to figure out what's gotten into you all. This level of... of whatever this is... is breaking the status quo!"

"The only thing that's going to break is your face if you don't shut up," Saiko threatened, stepping toward him.

Mario, sensing the tension, suddenly stood up. He grabbed a stray plate of spaghetti from a nearby table—where it had come from, no one knew—and held it up like a holy relic.

"Everyone stop!" Mario yelled. "Mario has the floor!"

The room went silent. Even the girls, who looked ready to tear SMG4 apart, paused to look at the plumber.

"Mario is happy that everyone is being nice," he said, his voice uncharacteristically serious for a moment. "But Mario is also hungry. And Mario cannot eat when everyone is staring at him like he's a giant ravioli."

"We're sorry, Mario," Tari said, looking down at her feet. "We just... we realized how much we appreciate you."

"Yeah," Meggy added, rubbing the back of her neck. "Sometimes we're a bit hard on you. We wanted to make up for it. Maybe we went a little overboard?"

"A little?" SMG3 yelled from the corner. "You guys looked like you were starting a cult!"

Karen shrugged. "So what if we did? He's the only one in this castle who isn't a total headache. Most of the time."

Mario looked around at his friends. He saw the genuine, albeit slightly terrifying, affection in the girls' eyes. Then he looked at SMG4, who looked genuinely stressed, and Luigi, who was still shaking like a leaf.

"Okay," Mario said, shoving a handful of pasta into his mouth. "You can be nice to Mario. But you have to be nice to Luigi too! And SMG4... even if he is a grumpy meme man."

The girls looked at SMG4 and Luigi. The "death glares" didn't disappear entirely, but they dimmed to a simmer.

"I guess we can try," Meggy muttered.

"For you, Mario," Saiko added, giving him a playful (but still slightly too hard) punch on the arm.

As the tension in the room began to dissipate, Mario went back to his spaghetti, seemingly forgetting the entire ordeal within seconds. The girls stayed close, forming a protective perimeter around him, though they allowed Luigi to sit nearby.

SMG4 sighed and sat back down at his computer. "I don't get it. I really don't. Why him?"

"He's got that 'dumb luck' charisma, man," Bob said, walking over to join the group now that the danger had passed. "Bitches love a guy who can't do basic math."

"Bob, don't start," Meggy warned, though there was less heat in it this time.

Mario looked up from his empty plate, a smear of sauce on his nose. He looked at the group of people surrounding him—some obsessed, some confused, and some just hungry.

"Hey, Meggy?" Mario asked.

"Yes, Mario?" she replied instantly, leaning in.

"Can we go get more spaghetti? Mario is still a little bit empty in the tummy."

The girls practically tripped over each other to be the first to answer.

"I'll buy!" Meggy shouted.

"I know a place that has a five-star rating!" Tari added.

"I'll drive the kart, and I'll run over anyone who gets in our way," Saiko stated firmly.

Karen sighed, pulling out her phone. "I have coupons. Let's go, Red."

As the group began to head toward the castle doors, Mario led the way, skipping happily. Luigi followed closely behind, still feeling the occasional sharp glance from Saiko whenever he got too close to his brother.

SMG4 watched them leave, shaking his head. "I give it two days before they realize he's actually a menace to society again."

"I don't know," SMG3 said, leaning against the wall. "I think they’ve finally lost it. But hey, at least the castle is quiet for once."

Just then, a muffled explosion echoed from the courtyard, followed by Mario’s iconic "Wahoo!" and the sound of Saiko screaming at a random Toad who had gotten in their way.

"Spoke too soon," SMG4 muttered, turning back to his monitor.

Outside, Mario was being carried on Saiko’s shoulder like a king, with Meggy and Tari acting as his royal guard. It was the strangest sight the Mushroom Kingdom had seen in years, but for Mario, it was just another Tuesday. As long as there was spaghetti at the end of the road, he didn't mind the extra security.

"Mama mia," Mario whispered to himself, a wide grin on his face. "Mario is a pretty lady magnet!"

"What was that, Mario?" Meggy asked sweetly.

"Nothing! Mario said... let's-a go!"