Mario's obsessive fanclub or something

The morning sun hit the Mushroom Kingdom with the subtlety of a Bob-omb, but inside the Peach’s Castle, the chaos was already in full swing. Mario, the self-proclaimed superstar and full-time professional idiot, was currently attempting to use a high-pressure fire hose to fill a single bowl of spaghetti.

"Mamaf**ker!" Mario shrieked as the hose kicked back, sending him spinning like a red-and-blue tornado across the foyer.

Water blasted everywhere, soaking the pristine carpets, drenching the portraits of long-dead monarchs, and slamming directly into SMG4, who had just stepped out of his room with a fresh cup of coffee. The meme-lord was sent flying backward, his coffee replaced by a faceful of pressurized tap water.

"Mario! You complete and utter moron!" SMG4 screamed, wiping his visor as he gasped for air. "I just cleaned this floor! Why are you like this? Why is this your default setting?"

"Mario is-a thirsty!" the plumber shouted back, his eyes bulging as he bounced off a pillar and landed face-first into the wet floor with a wet thud. "And the spaghetti was-a dry! It needed the hydration!"

From the balcony above, Saiko Bichitaru leaned on her hammer, watching the scene. A small, uncharacteristic blush crept up her cheeks. "Look at him," she whispered, her voice devoid of its usual aggression. "He’s so profoundly stupid that it defies the laws of physics. It’s... it’s captivating."

Tari stood beside her, clutching her meta-runner arm to her chest, her eyes sparkling with genuine adoration. "He just tried to eat the hose, Saiko. He’s so brave. He doesn't care about safety or logic at all. He’s just living his best life."

Meggy Spletzer joined them, adjusting her beanie. She sighed, a dreamy look on her face that would have baffled her former Inkling rivals. "He’s a pure soul. No thoughts, just vibes and pasta. Most people need a brain to function, but Red? He’s transcended the need for gray matter. It’s honestly inspiring."

Downstairs, Mario had managed to entangle himself in the hose, looking like a poorly wrapped Italian burrito. He began to roll toward the game room, humming a distorted version of the Mario Bros. theme song while occasionally pausing to lick the floor tiles.

"I’m going to go make a video," SMG4 groaned, rubbing his temples as he retreated toward his computer room. "I can’t look at him anymore. My IQ drops ten points every time he breathes in my general direction."

As the men of the house—SMG4, Boopkins, and Bob—scattered to avoid the impending property damage, the girls remained. They watched Mario wiggle his way toward the game room door with the intensity of a pack of wolves watching a particularly clumsy sheep.

"He's going to the game room," Melony noted, popping up from a nap behind a sofa. Her Sleepy Mask was pushed up, revealing eyes wide with interest. "He's going to react to the 'funny pictures' again."

"We have to follow him," Saiko declared, gripping the railing. "We need to make sure he doesn't accidentally swallow a controller. Or, you know, just watch him be perfect."

Mario, meanwhile, had successfully kicked the game room door open with his head. He flopped onto the velvet beanbag chair, his legs kicking wildly in the air before he settled. With a grunt of effort, he reached for a laptop, nearly knocking it off the table three times before successfully opening it.

"Ooh, boy! Time for Mario to see what the internet thinks is-a funny!" he shouted to the empty room. "I hope there is-a more memes of the screaming goat. That goat understands Mario."

Unbeknownst to him, the door creaked open just an inch. Four pairs of eyes peered through the crack, stacked vertically.

"Look at how he struggles with the trackpad," Meggy whispered, her heart fluttering. "He’s using his nose. He’s a genius of unconventional navigation."

"He’s so focused," Tari added, her voice a tiny squeak of delight. "He’s trying to type 'spaghetti' but he’s just hitting the 'G' key over and over again."

On the screen, Mario had successfully navigated to a meme compilation. A video played of a man slipping on a banana peel and falling into a trash can. Mario began to wheeze, a high-pitched, tea-kettle whistle of a laugh that shook his entire body.

"OH HO HO! HE FALL DOWN! HE FALL DOWN LIKE MARIO!" The plumber slapped his belly, his hat falling over his eyes. He didn't bother to move it, choosing instead to continue laughing at the darkness inside his hat.

"He’s laughing at nothing now," Saiko noted, her hand over her heart. "His imagination is so vivid that he doesn't even need the visual input anymore. Truly, he is the pinnacle of the human species."

Melony nodded solemnly, hugging her Axol plushie. "He is a philosopher. He knows that the true meme is within."

Mario finally pushed his hat up, his face red from lack of oxygen. He wiped a tear from his eye and leaned closer to the screen. "Okay, okay. Next one. Let's-a go."

He clicked on a video of a cat being startled by a cucumber. Mario stared at the screen in dead silence for five seconds before screaming at the top of his lungs in terror, falling backward off the beanbag and doing a backflip into a pile of discarded pizza boxes.

"CUCUMBER! THE GREEN DEMON!" Mario scrambled to his feet, pointing a trembling finger at the laptop. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MARIO! I HAVE-A THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE!"

He then proceeded to pull a wooden cross out of his overalls and began hissing at the laptop screen.

"Did you see that reflex?" Meggy whispered, her eyes shining. "The way he transitioned from laughter to a combat-ready stance? His instincts are honed to a razor's edge."

"And he carries a cross for spiritual protection," Tari added, clutching her cheeks. "He’s so well-prepared for any supernatural threat. I feel so safe just being in the same hallway as him."

Mario, having decided the laptop was now cursed, turned his attention to a bowl of leftover nachos on the side table. He didn't use his hands. Instead, he simply lowered his face into the bowl and began to vibrate his head at high speeds, creating a vacuum effect that sucked the chips and cheese into his maw.

"His eating habits are so primal," Saiko remarked, her voice hushed with awe. "He rejects the social constructs of cutlery. He’s a rebel. A red, chubby rebel."

"I wish I could eat nachos with that much passion," Melony sighed.

Inside the room, Mario finished the nachos and let out a burp so loud that it rattled the windows of the castle. He looked around, his eyes landing on a nearby mirror. He stood up, adjusted his mustache, and began to flex his non-existent muscles.

"Hello, handsome," Mario said to his reflection, winking. "You want-a some of this? Too bad! Mario is-a married to the pasta. But maybe we can-a flirt a little."

He began to dance—a bizarre combination of the Macarena and a seizure.

"He’s so confident," Meggy said, her voice cracking slightly. "He knows he’s the peak of physical fitness. Look at that form. That’s the body of a hero."

"I think I’m going to faint," Tari whispered, leaning against the doorframe. "The way he just... exists. It’s too much."

Suddenly, Mario stopped dancing. He sniffed the air, his nose twitching like a rabbit’s. He turned his head slowly toward the door, his eyes narrowing. The girls froze, holding their breath. Had the idiot finally sensed them? Had his primal instincts alerted him to their presence?

Mario walked toward the door, his heavy boots thumping on the carpet. He stopped inches away from the wood. The girls huddled closer, their hearts racing.

"I smell..." Mario muttered, his voice low and serious.

Meggy felt her pulse quickening. Was he going to acknowledge them? Was he going to say something profound?

"I smell... A STRAY PEPPERONI!"

Mario suddenly dropped to all fours and began sniffing the floorboards with the intensity of a bloodhound. He moved right past the door, his nose glued to the carpet, heading toward the kitchen.

"I'M-A COMING FOR YOU, YOU SPICY LITTLE MEAT DISK!" he bellowed, scurrying away on his hands and feet at a frightening speed.

The girls stepped out into the hallway, watching him disappear around the corner.

"He’s so driven," Saiko said, wiping a stray tear from her eye. "When he has a goal, nothing stands in his way. Not even basic human dignity."

"We should go help him find it," Meggy suggested, already starting to follow. "He shouldn't have to hunt alone."

"Wait for me!" Tari cried, stumbling after them. "I have a pepperoni detector app on my arm!"

Melony simply drifted after them, a serene smile on her face. "The hunt begins. The king leads the way."

As the girls chased after their favorite idiot, the sounds of Mario crashing into a suit of armor and screaming about "the shiny metal man" echoed through the halls. To anyone else, it was a nightmare of property damage and stupidity. To them, it was just another day in the presence of greatness.

Inside his office, SMG4 put on a pair of noise-canceling headphones and sighed. "I need to move to a different kingdom. Maybe one where the water doesn't taste like Mario's feet."

But outside, the "king" was currently trying to fist-fight a toaster, and he had the most loyal audience in the world cheering him on.