The avatar's multiverse journey

The Mushroom Kingdom was, by all accounts, having a perfectly normal Tuesday. This meant that the castle was currently vibrating under the force of a high-speed chase involving a screaming plumber and a very angry SMG4. Mario had somehow managed to replace all the ink in SMG4’s printer with premium marinara sauce, and the resulting mess had turned the computer room into a culinary disaster zone.

"Mario! I am going to kick your ass into the next sub-reddit!" SMG4 yelled, waving a sticky, sauce-covered keyboard like a club.

"Wahahaha! You can’t catch-a me! I’m-a too fast for the law!" Mario retorted, doing a celebratory pelvic thrust while sliding down the main banister.

Meggy and Tari watched from the foyer, the former sighing with a mix of exhaustion and amusement, while the latter nervously clutched her meta-runner arm. Bob and Fishy Boopkins were in the corner, likely betting on how long it would take for Mario to accidentally set himself on fire.

The chase came to a grinding halt when a swirling vortex of violet and black energy tore open in the middle of the air. It didn't look like one of the usual portals they used to travel between kingdoms; it looked jagged, unstable, and incredibly hungry.

"Uh, guys?" Tari squeaked, pointing at the rift. "That doesn't look like a meme."

Mario, carried by his own momentum, couldn't stop in time. He skidded across the floor, his overalls squeaking against the marble, and headed straight for the swirling abyss.

"Mama mia!" Mario shrieked as the gravity of the portal caught him.

"Mario!" Meggy shouted, leaping forward with her Splatshot at the ready.

SMG4 dropped his ruined keyboard and lunged, grabbing Mario’s hand just as the plumber’s feet left the ground. Meggy grabbed SMG4’s waist, and Bob grabbed Meggy’s legs, forming a desperate human—and whatever Bob was—chain.

"Pull him back!" SMG4 grunted, his face turning a shade of red that rivaled Mario’s hat.

"I’m-a being sucked into the spaghetti void!" Mario wailed, though he seemed more concerned about his hat falling off than the literal tear in spacetime.

With a violent *pop* that sounded like a vacuum seal breaking, the portal’s pull tripled. Mario’s hand slipped from SMG4’s grip. With a final, high-pitched "Oof!", the red plumber vanished into the darkness. The portal snapped shut instantly, leaving the crew staring at a very empty, very quiet hallway.

***

Mario hit the ground with the grace of a sack of wet flour. He bounced once, twice, and then slid face-first into a pile of frozen, metallic debris.

"Ow, my nose," he muttered, sitting up and rubbing his face.

He blinked, expecting to see the colorful stained glass of Peach’s castle. Instead, he saw a sky choked with thick, gray clouds and a sun that looked like a dying flashlight. The landscape was a graveyard of twisted metal, skeletal skyscrapers, and mountains of... were those skeletons? They looked like robots, but they were piled up like trash.

"This isn't the kitchen," Mario observed, standing up and dusting off his overalls. He looked around, his head tilting at a ninety-degree angle. "Is this-a Detroit?"

He began to wander, his boots crunching on the frozen snow and rusted metal. To anyone else, the desolate wasteland of Copper 9 would be a nightmare. To Mario, it was just another level he hadn't seen before. He passed a sign that read 'Elliott Manor' and paused to pee on it, simply because he felt the urge.

As he walked, his stomach gave a loud, cavernous growl. "I’m-a starving. Where is the nearest pizza hut?"

High above, perched on the jagged edge of a collapsed bridge, a pair of neon yellow eyes flickered to life. V tilted her head, her sensors recalibrating as she stared down at the strange, round creature wandering through the snow. He didn't look like a Worker Drone. He was organic, fleshy, and wore a bright red hat that made him an incredibly easy target.

"What is that?" a voice whispered beside her. N leaned over the edge, his visor displaying a curious 'o.o' expression. "Is it a new type of toaster?"

"It looks... stupid," V said, her voice dripping with a mix of boredom and sudden intrigue. She watched as Mario tried to eat a frozen piece of scrap metal, chipped his tooth, and then began to punch the metal in retaliation. "Really, really stupid."

"Should we kill it?" J asked, landing silently behind them, her pigtails swaying. "The company didn't mention any 'fat men in overalls' in the manual, but unauthorized lifeforms are usually a breach of protocol."

V didn't answer immediately. She watched Mario do a little dance to stay warm, a dance that involved a lot of unnecessary hip-shaking. Something about his absolute lack of survival instinct struck a chord in her twisted, digital mind. It wasn't just pathetic; it was... fascinating.

"I'll handle this one," V said, her wings snapping open with a metallic *shink*. "You guys stay here."

Mario was currently busy trying to start a fire by rubbing two frozen robot arms together when a shadow fell over him. He didn't even look up.

"Hey, you got a light? Mario wants to cook some ghost spaghetti," he said.

Suddenly, he was pinned. A weight slammed into his chest, knocking the air out of him as he was forced back into the snow. V stood over him, her razor-sharp claws digging into the ground on either side of his head. Her visor displayed a manic, wide-toothed grin, and her yellow eyes glowed with predatory intensity.

Mario looked up at her, his large eyes blinking slowly. He didn't scream. He didn't struggle. He just stared at her face, then down at her claws, and then back at her eyes.

"Wow," Mario said. "You’re a very shiny lady."

V’s grin faltered for a fraction of a second. She had expected terror. She had expected begging. She had even expected a pathetic attempt at a fight. She had not expected a compliment on her finish.

"I’m going to disembowel you and use your skin as a poncho," V hissed, leaning closer until her cold metal nose-equivalent was inches from his.

Mario just shrugged, his cheeks squishing against the snow. "Okay. But can we get dinner first? I like-a the spicy meatballs."

V stared at him. Her internal processors whirred, trying to categorize this interaction. He wasn't afraid. He was just... there. He looked at her with a level of blissful idiocy that was almost hypnotic. As she watched him, she noticed the way his mustache twitched and how he seemed completely unbothered by the fact that she could end his life in a heartbeat.

It was cute. In a weird, fleshy, disturbing sort of way.

"You're weird," V muttered, her claws retracting slightly. She didn't get up, though. She stayed perched on him, her tail flicking back and forth like a cat’s. "I think I’ll keep you. You’re like a stress toy that talks."

"Can I call you 'Toaster Wife'?" Mario asked, picking his nose.

V’s visor flushed a faint yellow. "Shut up before I eat your liver."

She stood up, grabbing Mario by the back of his overalls and hoisting him into the air like a kitten. Mario didn't mind; it saved him the trouble of walking. He hung there limply as V began to trek back toward the spire of corpses, her eyes occasionally darting down to admire the view of the plumber's backside as he swayed in her grip.

"Nice view back here," V murmured to herself, her digital heart rate ticking up a notch.

"What was that?" Mario asked.

"I said I’m going to kill you later!" V snapped, though there was no real heat in it.

They hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards when the air behind them began to crackle. A familiar, swirling vortex of memes and chaos tore open in the middle of the wasteland.

"Mario! There he is!"

SMG4 tumbled out of the portal, followed by Meggy, Tari, and Bob. They all looked battered and covered in snow, having clearly been jumping through several wrong dimensions before finding the right one.

"Get away from him!" Meggy yelled, pulling out her Splatshot and aiming it directly at V’s head.

V stopped. She didn't drop Mario. Instead, she pulled him closer, her wings flared out to their full, intimidating span. Her claws slid back out, glowing with a lethal sheen. J and N landed beside her, sensing the shift in the atmosphere.

"Who are these losers?" J asked, her hand transforming into a submachine gun. "More unauthorized lifeforms?"

"They’re-a my friends!" Mario shouted, waving his arms while still dangling from V’s grasp. "Hey guys! Look! I found a shiny toaster!"

"Mario, get away from that thing! It’s dangerous!" SMG4 cried, stepping forward. "We’re here to take you home."

V stepped in front of Mario, her tail lashing out and cracking the frozen ground like a whip. A low, guttural growl vibrated in her chest—a sound her programming shouldn't even have been capable of making. Her visor flickered, the yellow eyes narrowing into sharp slits.

"Back off, Four-Eyes," V spat, her voice echoing off the ruins.

"Give us back our friend," Meggy demanded, her finger tightening on the trigger. "Now."

V leaned back, her grip on Mario tightening possessively. She looked at the colorful group of weirdos, then back at the plumber who was currently trying to lick the metal on her arm. She felt a surge of protectiveness that bypassed her murder protocols entirely.

"No," V said, her voice cold and final. "He’s staying here."

"The hell he is!" Bob shouted, waving his blades. "He owes me twenty bucks!"

"You don't understand," V said, a dark, manic grin returning to her face as she looked over her shoulder at Mario. "He’s not a prisoner."

She looked back at the SMG4 crew, her eyes glowing with an intensity that made even J take a step back.

"He’s mine."

Mario looked at V, then at SMG4, then back at V. "Does this mean I don't have to pay my taxes?"

"Yes, Mario," V purred, her optics fixed on his. "No taxes. Just murder and snacks."

"Wahoo!" Mario cheered, throwing his hands in the air. "I love this place!"

SMG4 stared in horror. "Oh no. He’s found someone just as crazy as he is."

"We are so dead," Tari whispered, hugging herself as J and N leveled their weapons at them.

V stood her ground, a lethal guardian in front of her prize. The winds of Copper 9 howled around them, but for the first time in a long time, the Disassembly Drone felt like she had found something worth more than a kill count. And Mario? Mario was just happy to be included.