Mario's multiverse journey

The Mushroom Kingdom was having a perfectly normal Tuesday, which was to say, it was complete and utter chaos. Mario was currently vibrating at a frequency that shouldn't be physically possible for a human being, mostly because he had discovered that if he rubbed two pieces of spaghetti together fast enough, they made a sound like a dying bagpipe.

"Mario, for the love of everything holy, stop!" SMG4 shouted, slamming his laptop shut. "I’m trying to edit a video, and you’re making the air smell like burnt wheat!"

"Mamaf*cker, Mario is making music!" Mario retorted, cross-eyed and sticking his tongue out. He began to hop around the room, knocking over Meggy’s training gear and nearly headbutting Luigi in the process.

"Bro, please, just go outside and eat a rock or something," Luigi pleaded, shielding his face with a frying pan.

Before Mario could respond with a witty remark about Luigi’s hat, the air in the center of the room began to ripple. A swirling vortex of purple and black energy tore open the fabric of reality. It didn't look like a normal Warp Pipe or even one of SMG4’s memes. It looked hungry.

"Ooh, a giant grape!" Mario cheered, walking toward it with his arms outstretched.

"Mario, wait! Get away from that!" Tari screamed, reaching out to grab his overalls.

It was too late. The portal surged forward like a predatory beast, its gravity snapping onto the plumber. Mario’s eyes went wide as his feet left the ground. "Mamma mia! This grape is spicy!"

"Hold on, Mario!" Meggy lunged forward, grabbing his hand. SMG4 and Bob grabbed Meggy’s waist, forming a desperate human chain.

The portal roared, a sound like grinding metal and static. With one final, violent tug, the vacuum became too much. Mario’s hand slipped from Meggy’s grip. With a high-pitched "Wahoooooooo—!" he was sucked into the abyss. The portal snapped shut instantly, leaving the room in a deafening, terrifying silence.

Mario didn't fall so much as he was spat out. He tumbled through a gray sky and landed face-first in a snowbank that felt suspiciously like crushed glass.

"Oof! My nose-a!" Mario groaned, pulling his head out of the drift. He shook himself off like a wet dog, sending shards of ice flying.

He stood up and blinked, his brain—small as it was—trying to process the scenery. This wasn't the Mushroom Kingdom. There were no green hills or sentient clouds. Instead, a sprawling, skeletal city of rusted metal and frozen skyscrapers stretched out under a massive, shattered moon. Skeletons of strange, robotic beings were piled in the streets, covered in a light dusting of snow.

"Is this... Ohio?" Mario whispered to himself, genuinely concerned.

He began to wander, his heavy boots crunching on the permafrost. He found a discarded "Spaghetti-O’s" can, but to his immense disappointment, it was empty and dated several centuries ago. He kicked a frozen robot head like a soccer ball and hummed a distorted version of his own theme song.

High above, perched on a spire of twisted rebar, a pair of neon yellow eyes flickered to life. The silhouette was sleek, metallic, and dangerous.

V tilted her head, her sensors recalibrating. She had killed thousands of Worker Drones, but she had never seen... whatever this was. It was round, it was dressed in bright primary colors, and it seemed to be possessed by a level of stupidity that defied the laws of robotics.

"Target identified?" she muttered, her voice a glitchy, melodic rasp. She deployed her wings—blades of razor-sharp metal—and dived.

Mario was busy trying to see if he could fit his entire head inside a rusted pipe when a blur of silver slammed into him. He was tackled into the snow with enough force to shatter wood, but because he was Mario, he simply bounced and landed on his back with a squeak.

V was on top of him in an instant. Her hands had shifted into serrated claws, and her tail, tipped with a glowing syringe of nanite acid, hovered inches from his face. Her visor displayed a jagged, yellow "X" where her eyes should be.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't tear your head off right now, meat-thing," V hissed, her wings twitching with murderous excitement.

Mario stared up at her. He didn't look scared. He didn't even look worried. He looked at the glowing yellow "X" on her face, then at her sleek silver hair, and then at the way her metallic body caught the dim light.

"Ooh," Mario said, his eyes turning into literal hearts for a second. "You’re a very pretty toaster."

V froze. The "X" on her visor flickered, momentarily replaced by wide, blinking yellow circles. "What did you just call me?"

"A toaster!" Mario repeated, reaching up and patting her cold, metal cheek with his gloved hand. "You got the shiny bits and the pointy fingers. Can you make-a the toast? Mario is very hungry."

V stared at him, her internal processors whirring at maximum capacity. She was a Disassembly Drone. She was built for slaughter. Usually, when she tackled someone, they screamed, begged, or leaked oil. This... red thing was petting her. And he was remarkably soft.

She looked down at his face—the big mustache, the round nose, and the look of complete, genuine innocence. Something in her twisted, glitchy programming sparked. She found the way his mustache twitched strangely... endearing. And his lack of fear was actually kind of hot.

"You’re an idiot," V said, though she retracted her claws, her hands returning to their feminine, gloved form.

"I’m-a Mario!" he replied, getting up and dusting off his overalls. "Nice to meet you, Miss Toaster. I'm gonna go find a bathroom now. I’ve been holding a golden mushroom since three planets ago."

He turned and began to waddle away, his backside swaying with every step. V stayed on the ground for a moment, her gaze lingering on the plumber's retreating form. She felt a strange, digital heat rising in her core.

"Wait," she whispered, her wings folding neatly against her back. She stood up and began to trail behind him, keeping a short distance but never taking her eyes off him. She found herself admiring the way he walked—with a confidence that could only come from someone who didn't realize they were in a death trap.

Mario wandered into a clearing surrounded by the husks of old cars. Suddenly, the air behind him tore open again.

"Mario! There he is!"

SMG4, Meggy, Tari, and Luigi tumbled out of a new portal, looking disheveled and armed to the teeth. Meggy had her Splattershot aimed, and SMG4 was holding a meme-stuffed bazooka.

"Mario! Get away from that thing!" Meggy yelled, spotting the silver drone stalking behind him.

V reacted instantly. In a flash of silver, she was in front of Mario, her arms transforming back into lethal blades. She let out a low, guttural growl, her visor flashing a warning red.

"Back off, flesh-bags," V snarled, her tail lashing the air like a scorpion’s. "This one belongs to me."

Mario looked back and forth between his friends and the murderous robot lady. "Oh, hey guys! You’re just in time! Miss Toaster was just about to show me where the spaghetti trees grow!"

"Mario, she’s literally a killing machine!" SMG4 shouted, stepping forward. "Move out of the way, we’re taking him home!"

V stepped closer to Mario, her wing-blades clicking as they locked into a defensive stance. "He isn't going anywhere with you. I found him. He’s mine. He’s... cute."

The silence that followed was heavy. Even the wind seemed to stop blowing.

"Did... did the killer robot just call Mario cute?" Luigi asked, trembling behind Tari.

"I mean, I see the appeal in a 'weird pet' kind of way," Bob added, popping out from behind a car. "But she’s got some serious issues, and I say that as someone who lives in a trash can."

Meggy didn't lower her weapon. "I don't care what she thinks. Mario, come here right now!"

Mario looked at Meggy, then looked at V, who was looking at him with a possessive, manic gleam in her digital eyes. He shrugged.

"How about we all go for a walk?" Mario suggested. "We can find some food, maybe some fire, and Miss Toaster can tell us why she has a giant needle on her butt!"

V’s visor flushed a faint neon pink. "It’s for... injecting things."

"See? She’s a doctor!" Mario cheered.

Despite their intense protests, the SMG4 crew realized they didn't have much of a choice. The portal that brought them here had vanished, and V looked like she would decapitate anyone who tried to touch Mario. They followed at a distance, watching as V stayed glued to Mario’s side, occasionally swatting away pieces of debris that got too close to him.

"I can't believe this is happening," SMG4 muttered, rubbing his temples. "We’re trapped on a dead planet with a psychopathic drone who has a crush on the dumbest man alive."

"At least he’s safe for now?" Tari offered, trying to stay positive.

They reached the center of a massive, frozen plaza. In the middle stood a strange, spire-like structure that glowed with a pulsing, violet light. It looked remarkably like the portal that had snatched Mario in the first place.

"Ooh! More grapes!" Mario ran toward the spire.

"Mario, wait! Don't touch that!" Meggy screamed.

But as Mario approached, the spire didn't just open a portal—it erupted. A massive shockwave of energy threw everyone backward. A swirling vortex, ten times larger than the previous ones, opened directly beneath Mario’s feet.

"Not again!" Mario yelled, his feet disappearing into the purple light.

"Mario!" V screamed. She didn't hesitate. She didn't look back at the others. She dived straight into the vortex, her claws reaching out to snag Mario’s overalls.

"We’re not losing him again!" SMG4 yelled, grabbing Meggy’s hand. "Everyone, jump!"

One by one, the crew threw themselves into the screaming void. The world of Copper-9 vanished, replaced by the crushing pressure of interdimensional travel.

They fell through a kaleidoscope of memes, static, and code. Mario was screaming, V was clinging to his waist with a grip of iron, and the rest of the crew were spinning wildly in the slipstream.

"Where are we going?!" Luigi wailed.

"I don't know!" SMG4 shouted over the roar of the cosmos.

With a final, bone-jarring thud, they hit solid ground. The air was warm—too warm. The smell of sulfur and smoke filled the air.

Mario sat up, rubbing his head. V was still wrapped around him, her sensors scanning the environment for threats. She stood up, pulling Mario with her, and looked around.

They were in a dark, cavernous area. Far below, rivers of lava flowed through blackened rock. In the distance, a massive, spiked castle loomed, decorated with the emblem of a familiar, fire-breathing turtle.

"Oh, no," Mario whispered, his eyes wide. "We’re in Bowser’s basement. And I think I left the stove on at home."

V looked at the lava, then at the castle, and then back at Mario. She sharpened her claws, a manic grin spreading across her face. "New place to hunt. Same idiot to protect. I like this."

The SMG4 crew groaned in unison as they stood up. They were far from home, in a dangerous land, and Mario had a murderous robot girlfriend.

"This is going to be a long day," Meggy sighed.