Mario's multiverse adventure

The morning at the new Showgrounds was, by all accounts, relatively normal for the crew. SMG4 was hunched over his computer, his eyes bloodshot as he tried to figure out how to make a meme about a toaster more "relatable." Meggy was practicing her combat drills against a dummy that looked suspiciously like a cardboard cutout of Wario, and Tari was happily playing a game on her arm.

In the center of the courtyard, Mario was doing what Mario did best: nothing productive. He was currently trying to see how many marshmallows he could stuff into his nose while balancing a plate of spaghetti on his head.

"Hey, look at me! I’m a gourmet fountain!" Mario muffled through the sugary white plugs in his nostrils.

"Mario, please, I’m trying to focus on the algorithm!" SMG4 yelled from the balcony, waving a frantic hand. "And stop wasting the marshmallows, those are for the campfire tonight!"

Suddenly, the air in the center of the courtyard began to ripple. A low, humming sound, like a bass guitar plugged into a black hole, vibrated through the floorboards. A swirl of violet energy sparked into existence, swirling rapidly until it tore open a jagged, purple vortex.

"What the heck is that?!" Meggy shouted, dropping her training gear and reaching for her Splat-o-matic.

Mario, distracted by a stray marshmallow rolling toward the portal, didn't look concerned. "Ooh, a purple grape flavor hole!"

"Mario, get away from there!" SMG4 plummeted from the balcony, landing in a heap before scrambling to his feet.

The vacuum force of the vortex suddenly intensified. It wasn't just a rift; it was hungry. Mario’s spaghetti plate was the first to go, sucked into the void with a tragic splat. Mario gasped, his eyes widening to the size of dinner plates.

"My mama mia!" he wailed, reaching out for the disappearing pasta.

The force gripped him next. Mario’s overalls billowed as he was lifted off the ground. He kicked his legs frantically, but the gravity of the rift was absolute.

"Help! The grape hole is stealing the Mario!"

"Hold on!" Meggy lunged forward, grabbing Mario’s hand. SMG4 grabbed Meggy’s waist, and Tari joined in, pulling with all her might.

For a moment, it was a tug-of-war between the Mushroom Kingdom’s finest and the unknown. But the vortex gave a final, violent pulse of light. With a sound like a snapping rubber band, the grip broke. Mario’s hand slipped from Meggy’s grasp.

"MARIO!" they all screamed in unison.

With a final, confused "Wahoo?", the red plumber vanished into the purple light. The vortex collapsed instantly, leaving behind nothing but a few drifting marshmallows and a very stunned silence.

***

Mario didn't fall so much as he tumbled through a kaleidoscope of bad graphics and screaming binary code. When he finally hit something solid, it wasn't the soft grass of the Showgrounds. It was cold. Very cold. And very crunchy.

"Oof! My gluteus maximus..." Mario groaned, rubbing his backside.

He sat up, blinking the spots from his eyes. The sky above was a dark, oppressive void, choked with the rings of a shattered planet. Snow—or what looked like white ash—fell silently through the frozen air. But it wasn't the weather that caught his attention; it was what he was sitting on.

Mario looked down and realized he wasn't on a hill. He was on a mountain of metal. Limbs, torsos, and hollowed-out heads with visor screens lay tangled beneath him. They were robots, or "drones," as he might have called them if he knew what a computer was. Their eyes were dark, their bodies leaked a thick, oil-like substance that stained the snow black.

"Uh... hello?" Mario poked a severed robotic arm. "You guys okay? You look a little... broken."

He stood up, dusting off his overalls. He didn't seem particularly bothered by the carnage. After all, he’d seen worse at Bowser’s Tuesday night parties. He began to trek down the pile of corpses, whistling a jaunty tune that echoed eerily through the ruins of the frozen city.

High above, perched on the rusted remains of a skyscraper, two figures watched him.

They were sleek, white-plated machines with large, neon-yellow eyes and wings made of razor-sharp blades. Long, black tails tipped with canisters of glowing nanite acid flicked behind them like cats watching a mouse.

"What is... that?" one of them whispered. Her voice was melodic but tinged with a mechanical rasp. She adjusted her pilot’s cap, her yellow sensors zooming in on the red-clad intruder. This was "V," a Disassembly Drone who usually found everything boring unless it was screaming.

"It’s not a Worker Drone," the other replied. This one, "J," crossed her arms, her pigtails swaying in the wind. "It’s biological. But it’s... round. And loud."

They watched as Mario tripped over a piece of rebar, did a full front flip, landed on his face, and then immediately got up to chase a piece of wind-blown trash.

"He’s kind of... cute, in a pathetic, fleshy way," V remarked, a predatory but intrigued grin spreading across her face. Her digital eyes flickered into small hearts for a split second before she shook it off.

"He’s an unauthorized lifeform on a restricted corporate planet," J said, though her tone lacked its usual lethal authority. She found herself staring at the way his mustache bounced when he walked. "We should... investigate. Closely."

Mario, completely unaware that two lethal killing machines were currently debating which one of them got to "claim" him, continued his stroll. He found a rusted-out vending machine and began punching it, hoping for a snack.

"Stupid box! Give Mario the chocolate!"

He gave it a final, powerful "Ground Pound," which caused the entire machine to collapse into a heap of scrap. Mario sighed, disappointed, and kept walking. He eventually reached a clearing where the ruins gave way to a more intact industrial sector.

That’s when he heard the click of a weapon.

"Freeze! Don't move, you oily freak!"

Mario stopped and turned around. Standing there was a purple-haired drone wearing a striped beanie. She was holding a massive, glowing green railgun, her finger twitching on the trigger. Her digital eyes were narrowed in a glare that could melt steel.

"Ooh, a glowy stick," Mario said, tilting his head. "Is it a toy?"

Uzi Doorman blinked. She had expected a Disassembly Drone, or maybe a cowardly coward from her own colony. She hadn't expected... whatever this was. A short, stout man with a nose like a potato and an expression of pure, unadulterated stupidity.

As she looked at him, the anger in her circuits began to glitch. There was something about the way he looked at her—not with fear, not with judgment, but with the blank, happy stare of a golden retriever. A faint pink blush pixelated across her visor.

"I... uh..." Uzi lowered the railgun slightly. "What are you? You’re not a drone. You’re too... squishy."

Mario walked toward her, completely ignoring the fact that the railgun was still pointed at his chest. He stopped just inches away, looking her up and down.

"I’m a-Mario!" he announced, pointing to himself. "Are you a toaster? Can you make-a the toast? Mario is very hungry."

Uzi’s blush deepened. "I’m not a toaster! I’m a rebel! I’m the bringer of the end of humanity! I’m..." she trailed off as Mario reached out and patted the top of her beanie.

"Nice hat," he said simply.

Uzi froze. Her internal fans kicked into high gear, whirring loudly in the quiet air. No one had ever just... complimented her hat. Usually, they were screaming or telling her she was grounded.

"I... thanks," she muttered, her voice dropping an octave. She looked away, trying to regain her "edgy" persona, but her tail (if she had one) would have been wagging. "Look, you shouldn't be out here. There are things that will kill you and drink your... whatever is inside you."

"Can they drink-a the gravy? Mario has a lot of gravy," he replied, patting his stomach.

Uzi looked at him, genuinely confused. "What is wrong with your brain?"

"Everything!" Mario cheered.

Without another word, Mario skipped past her, humming a song about ravioli. He hopped over a pile of rubble with a graceful "Yippee!", leaving Uzi standing there with her railgun hanging limp in her hand.

"Wait! You can't just walk off!" she shouted, but her heart wasn't in it. She watched his red hat disappear around a corner, her cooling fans still buzzing. "Ugh, why is he so weirdly charming? It’s disgusting. I love it."

Up on the rooftops, J and V exchanged a glance.

"The purple one is interested," J hissed, her claws extending. "Unacceptable. He’s corporate property now."

"I saw him first, J," V chirped, her eyes turning back into yellow Xs as she prepared to dive. "And I don't like to share my toys."

Mario, meanwhile, had found a frozen lake and was currently trying to see if he could slide across it on his belly. He had no idea he was the most popular thing on the planet, nor did he care. He was just happy the "purple toaster" hadn't shot him.

"This place is great!" Mario shouted to the empty, frozen wasteland. "It’s like the fridge, but bigger!"

He didn't see the shadows closing in from the sky, nor the purple drone following him from the alleyways. Mario was in a whole new world, and in true Mario fashion, he was going to make it everyone else's problem.