Mario's multiverse adventure

The new Showgrounds were buzzing with the usual brand of chaotic productivity that defined the SMG4 crew. SMG4 himself was hunched over a laptop, muttering about algorithms and "peak content," while Meggy practiced her combat drills against a dummy that looked suspiciously like a cardboard cutout of Wario. Tari was focused on a handheld game, and Saiko was tuning her guitar with aggressive precision.

In the center of it all was Mario. He was currently trying to see how many marshmallows he could fit into his nose while balancing a plate of spaghetti on his head.

"Ooh, look at me! I'm a professional athlete!" Mario cheered, his voice muffled by the sugary white cylinders.

"Mario, please don't choke on camera," SMG4 sighed without looking up. "I don't have the budget for a funeral this week."

Suddenly, the air in the courtyard began to ripple. A low, humming sound, like a malfunctioning microwave, vibrated through the floorboards. A swirl of violent violet energy tore through the fabric of reality, expanding into a jagged, swirling vortex.

"Mamaf***er!" Mario yelled, the spaghetti plate sliding off his head and shattering.

"What the heck is that?!" Meggy shouted, dropping her training gear and lunging toward Mario.

The vacuum force of the portal was immense. It didn't just pull at the air; it seemed to lock onto Mario specifically. The plumber scrambled, his boots skidding against the pavement, but the purple gravity was too strong.

"Mario! Grab my hand!" SMG4 screamed, diving toward his friend.

Mario reached out, his fingers inches away from SMG4’s, but with a final, mocking *pop*, the vortex collapsed inward. Mario was sucked into the void, leaving behind nothing but a single, stray noodle and a very confused silence.

***

Mario didn't fall so much as he plummeted. He hit the ground with a dull *thud*, his face buried in something cold, metallic, and distinctly un-spaghetti-like.

"Ooh... my head..." Mario groaned, sitting up and rubbing his bruised posterior. "Note to self: no more eating mushrooms found behind the dumpster."

He blinked, his eyes adjusting to the dim, frozen twilight of a dead world. A massive, shattered moon hung in the sky like a broken porcelain plate. Snow—or what looked like ash—fell silently through the freezing air. But it wasn't the weather that caught his attention; it was what he was sitting on.

Mario looked down and let out a small "Eek!"

He was perched atop a mountain of corpses. But they weren't people. They were small, robotic entities with screen-faces, their limbs tangled in a macabre pile of scrap metal. Their hollow eyes stared at nothing, and a strange, neon-yellow fluid stained the snow around the base of the spire.

"Is this... Heaven?" Mario asked, picking up a severed robotic arm. "It's a bit dusty for Heaven. And where's the buffet?"

High above, perched on the rusted remains of a skyscraper, two figures watched him. Their tails, tipped with glowing syringes of yellow liquid, flickered like the tongues of vipers. Their wings, made of razor-sharp blades, were tucked neatly against their backs.

Serial Designation V narrowed her digital eyes, her visor flashing a brief "X" before settling back into wide, curious circles. Beside her, Serial Designation J crossed her arms, leaning forward with an expression that shifted from predatory hunger to genuine bewilderment.

"What is that?" J whispered, her voice a smooth, mechanical hum. "It’s organic. But it’s... shaped like a trash bag filled with meat."

"I don't know," V replied, a manic grin spreading across her face, though her usual bloodlust was being replaced by a strange, fluttering sensation in her central processing unit. "But look at that mustache. It’s so... symmetrical. It’s weirdly cute."

"It looks incredibly inefficient," J muttered, though she couldn't stop staring at the way the human stood up and started humming a jaunty tune while kicking a skull. "I want to dismantle it. Or... maybe keep it in a cage. For corporate observation."

"I saw him first, J," V hissed, her claws extending.

Down below, Mario remained blissfully unaware that two high-tech killing machines were currently debating his aesthetic appeal. He hopped off the pile of drones, his boots crunching on the frozen ground.

"Hello? Is anyone home?" Mario yelled into the wasteland. "I would like to purchase one large pizza! Extra pepperoni! No pineapple or I will commit a hate crime!"

He began to wander through the ruins of Copper-9. To anyone else, this was a post-apocalyptic nightmare. To Mario, it was just a level he hadn't played yet. He punched a floating piece of debris, expecting a coin to pop out. Instead, he just hurt his hand.

"D'oh! Stupid floating trash!"

He turned a corner into a narrow alleyway between two collapsed warehouses. Suddenly, a flash of purple light caught his eye—not a portal, but the glow of an LED.

"Stop right there, murder drone!" a sharp, feminine voice commanded.

Mario stopped and blinked. Standing before him was a small girl—well, a robot girl—wearing a black beanie and a striped purple hoodie. She was wielding a massive, glowing green cannon that looked like it could vaporize a small moon.

Uzi Doorman had her finger on the trigger, her visor displaying a jagged, angry glare. She had expected to find a Disassembly Drone scavenging for parts. She did not expect to find a chubby man in red overalls.

"What the... what are you?" Uzi blurted out, her Railgun wavering. "Are you a new type of human? I thought you guys were all dead and, like, frozen into popsicles."

Mario tilted his head, his blank, wide-eyed stare meeting her digital gaze. He didn't look scared. He didn't even look concerned. He just looked... hungry.

"Are you a toaster?" Mario asked. "Can you make-a the toast?"

Uzi felt a sudden, violent surge of heat in her internal cooling system. Her visor flickered, a faint purple blush appearing on her screen. She had spent her whole life hating humans for what they did to her world, but this one... he was so stupidly charming. There was no malice in his eyes, just a profound, echoing emptiness that she found strangely endearing.

"I—I’m not a toaster!" she snapped, though her voice lacked its usual venom. She lowered the Railgun. "I’m Uzi. And you’re... really weird-looking."

"I'm-a Mario!" he replied with a thumbs up, then proceeded to hop right past her, his belly bouncing slightly as he hummed a song about ravioli.

Uzi stood frozen for a second. "Hey! Wait! You can't just walk around here! There are things out here that will eat your face!"

She scrambled after him, her heart—or the core equivalent of one—thumping against her ribs. She found herself walking right beside him, her hand hovering near his arm. When a gust of freezing wind blew through the alley, she moved closer, using her chassis to block the chill from his side.

"So, uh, Mario," Uzi said, trying to sound cool and edgy while failing miserably. "You come here often? Or did the JCJenson idiots finally figure out how to clone idiots?"

Mario didn't answer. He was busy trying to eat a piece of frozen scrap metal he thought was a cracker.

Suddenly, a loud, chirping ringtone echoed through the silent street. Mario reached into his overalls and pulled out a high-tech cell phone that definitely didn't belong in this dimension.

"Oh! It’s the SMG4!" Mario exclaimed. He pressed the button and held it up. "Hello?"

"MARIO!" SMG4’s voice screamed through the speaker, sounding frantic. "Mario, are you okay? Where are you? We're trying to recalibrate the portal, but E. Gadd says the coordinates are set to 'Edge-Lord Galaxy' and we don't know what that means!"

Uzi’s sensors spiked. She saw the face on the screen—another human, but this one looked stressed and loud. Her protective instincts, usually reserved for her "Sick-as-hell Railgun," went into overdrive.

She snatched the phone out of Mario's hand.

"Hey! Who is this?" Uzi barked into the speaker, her eyes turning into warning triangles. "Why are you yelling at him? Are you trying to hurt him? Because if you are, I will find your IP address and delete your soul!"

"Who—who is that?" SMG4 stammered on the other end. "Is that a robot? Mario, did you get kidnapped by a sentient Roomba?"

"I am not a Roomba!" Uzi screamed, hugging the phone to her chest as if she were shielding Mario from a physical attack. She stepped in front of the plumber, her Railgun humming to life again as she scanned the rooftops for any other threats. "He's with me now! He's safe! Go back to your stupid internet castle and leave my human alone!"

"Your human?" Meggy’s voice could be heard in the background. "Give him back, you bucket of bolts!"

Uzi snarled at the phone. "Make me, ginger!"

She hung up the call and shoved the phone into her pocket. She turned to Mario, her expression softening into that weird, glitchy blush again.

"Don't worry, Mario. I won't let the loud screen-man hurt you," she whispered.

Mario blinked, then looked at a nearby dumpster. "Ooh! A penny!"

As Mario dived headfirst into the trash, Uzi stood guard, her gaze darting upward. She could feel eyes on them.

High above, V and J were still watching.

"She's touching him," V hissed, her fingers twitching. "The purple one is touching our property."

"Protocol dictates we should eliminate the rogue Worker Drone," J said, her voice dripping with a newfound, jealous spite. "And then... we secure the asset. I think he’d look great in a suit. A tiny, red suit."

Mario emerged from the dumpster with a banana peel on his head and a look of pure triumph. Uzi sighed, a small, genuine smile tugging at her mouth.

"Come on, Mario," Uzi said, grabbing his hand. Her metal palm felt cold, but Mario didn't seem to mind. He just gripped it back with his gloved hand, giving it a friendly squeeze that nearly made Uzi’s OS crash. "Let's go find some 'toast.' But if you see a drone with yellow eyes... you hide behind me, okay?"

"Okie-dokie!" Mario cheered.

As the unlikely pair wandered deeper into the frozen city, the shadows above began to move. The hunt was on, but for the first time in the history of Copper-9, the predators weren't looking for oil. They were looking for a plumber.

And Mario? Mario was just wondering if this planet had any spicy meatballs.