Mario's adventure through time and space

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and inside SMG4’s brand-new, glorious castle, Mario was currently trying to see how many marshmallows he could stuff into his nose.

"Mario, stop that! You’re going to get a sinus infection!" SMG4 shouted from across the foyer, frantically typing away at his laptop. He was trying to finish a script, but the constant *thwip-pop* sound of sugary treats being launched from Mario’s nostrils was making it impossible to concentrate.

Meggy was in the corner, polishing her Splatshot with practiced precision. "Leave him be, Four. At least he’s not setting the kitchen on fire today."

Tari sat on the sofa, her robotic arm whirring softly as she played a handheld game, while Luigi was busy dusting a nearby pedestal, humming a nervous tune. It was a rare moment of peace—or at least, as peaceful as things ever got with the Mushroom Kingdom’s resident red idiot.

That peace lasted exactly three more seconds.

A low, humming vibration shook the floorboards. The air in the center of the room began to ripple like water, turning a deep, bruised shade of violet. Within heartbeats, a swirling vortex erupted in the middle of the hall, tearing at the tapestries and pulling the furniture toward its center.

"What the heck is that?!" Bob yelled, stumbling out of the kitchen with a bag of stolen snacks.

"It’s a plot hole! Or a rift! Or... something bad!" SMG4 screamed, diving behind a pillar.

Mario, however, didn't run. He stood there, staring at the purple swirling mass with wide, vacant eyes. "Ooooh, pretty lights. Is there pizza in there?"

"Mario, get away from it!" Meggy lunged forward, reaching for his hand.

But the vacuum force of the rift intensified. With a loud *pop*, Mario was lifted off his feet. He began to spin like a frantic pepperoni, his overalls fluttering in the gale.

"Mamaf-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-a-a-a-a-!" Mario’s scream was muffled by the wind.

"Hold on, Mario!" Luigi cried, grabbing his brother’s boots. Meggy grabbed Luigi’s waist, and SMG4 grabbed Meggy, forming a desperate human chain.

For a moment, it looked like they might win. Then, the rift emitted a powerful pulse of energy. The force snapped their grip, sending the gang tumbling backward across the marble floor. Mario, now completely untethered, was sucked into the violet maw.

"MARIO!" they all screamed in unison.

The rift vanished as quickly as it had appeared, leaving behind nothing but a single, stray marshmallow bouncing on the floor.

***

Mario didn't land on something soft. He landed on something cold, metallic, and decidedly crunchy.

"Oof! My ovaries!" Mario groaned, rubbing his backside as he sat up.

He blinked, looking around. The sky wasn't the bright blue of the Mushroom Kingdom; it was a dark, suffocating expanse of smog and stars, dominated by a shattered moon that looked like it had been bitten by a giant space dog. Everything was covered in a thick layer of snow—no, not snow. Ash and frost.

Mario looked down at what he was sitting on. It wasn't a hill. It was a mountain of corpses. But they weren't people; they were small, white-clad robots with digital screens for faces, all of them powered down or torn apart.

"Mama mia," Mario whispered, picking up a robotic arm and staring at it. "This isn't the Spaghetti Factory."

High above, perched on a spire of rusted girders and frozen rebar, two figures watched him.

They were sleek, terrifying, and lethal. One had a bob of silver hair and a yellow headband with glowing lights; the other had longer pigtails and a sharp, predatory grin. Their wings, made of gleaming metal blades, twitched with excitement.

"V, look at that," the one with pigtails, J, whispered. Her digital eyes flickered into yellow rings. "Is that... a human? A real, organic human?"

The one named V licked a drop of oil off her clawed finger, her gaze fixed on the red-clad plumber. "He looks... squishy. And weirdly round. I want to see what's inside him."

"No," J murmured, her fans whirring at a higher frequency. "There’s something... strangely charismatic about his lack of situational awareness. Look at how he just threw that arm away to pick his nose. That’s a power move."

V’s tail, tipped with a needle of bright yellow acid, wagged slowly. "He’s kind of cute in a 'I have no brain cells' sort of way. I think I want to keep him."

"We’re supposed to be hunting, V," J reminded her, though she didn't move to attack. "But... maybe a short break wouldn't hurt. He’s much more interesting than the toasters."

Mario, completely unaware that two mechanical goddesses of death were debating whether to kill him or cuddle him, slid down the pile of bodies like it was a playground slide. "Wahoo!"

He hit the bottom and began waddling through the frozen wasteland. He passed abandoned cars, skeletal buildings, and signs written in a language he couldn't read (not that he could read English very well either).

"Hello? Is anybody home? Mario would like some snacks!" he shouted into the void.

Suddenly, a door in a nearby bunker hissed open. A small figure stepped out, holding a massive, glowing green railgun. It was a girl—a robot, like the dead ones—with purple hair and a beanie.

"Alright, you metal vultures, come and get—" Uzi froze.

She stared at the creature in front of her. He was short. He was wearing a red hat. He had a mustache that looked like a dead caterpillar glued to his lip. And he was currently trying to eat a piece of frozen scrap metal he found on the ground.

Uzi’s grip on her railgun slackened. Her visor flickered, a faint digital blush appearing on her cheeks. "What... what are you?"

Mario looked up, stopped chewing on the metal, and waved. "Hello! I’m-a Mario! Do you have any spaghetti? This gray crackers tastes like pennies."

Uzi felt a strange sensation in her motherboard. She had spent her whole life hating humans for abandoning her kind, but this one... he didn't look like a corporate overlord. He looked like he didn't know how to tie his own shoes. It was strangely adorable.

"I... I'm Uzi," she stammered, lowering her weapon completely. "Are you a human? You're so... small. And soft-looking."

"I'm-a very soft! Like a big marshmallow!" Mario hopped toward her happily, completely ignoring the giant weapon of mass destruction in her hands. He patted her on the head. "You have a funny hat. Mario likes it."

Uzi’s fans kicked into overdrive. "Don't touch me! I'm an angsty teen rebel!" she shouted, though she didn't pull away. In fact, she leaned into the touch slightly. "But... I guess you can stay close. You know, for protection. It’s dangerous out here."

Mario continued walking, humming the theme to his favorite pizza commercial. Uzi walked right beside him, her railgun held at the ready, her eyes darting around suspiciously. Every time Mario stumbled over a rock, she was there to steady him, her metallic hands lingering on his red shirt.

Suddenly, a loud *ring-ring* echoed through the desolate air.

Mario reached into his overalls and pulled out a cell phone that somehow had interdimensional roaming. "Oh! It’s SMG4!"

He pressed the button and held it up. A holographic projection of a very panicked SMG4 appeared.

"MARIO! Thank God! Where are you? Are you okay? We’re trying to track your signal, but it’s coming from another galaxy!"

"Hey, SMG4! I'm on a cold planet with lots of robots! One of them is a grumpy purple girl," Mario said, gesturing to Uzi.

Uzi immediately leaned into the frame, her eyes narrowing into sharp red triangles. She bared her teeth at the hologram. "Who is this? Why are you talking to my human?"

"Your human?!" SMG4’s jaw dropped. "Mario, who is that? Why does she have a giant laser gun?"

"She's my new friend! She's gonna show me where the spaghetti is," Mario explained.

"Listen here, you blue-and-white weirdo," Uzi hissed at the phone, her voice dripping with protective venom. "If you’re trying to take him back to whatever lame planet you came from, forget it! He’s under my protection now. If you try to interfere, I’ll blow your face off!"

"Uzi, calm down! He's just a meme-maker!" Mario laughed.

"I don't care! You're mine—I mean, you're a valuable asset!" Uzi shouted, her blush deepening.

Before SMG4 could respond, a shadow fell over them. The air whistled with the sound of descending metal.

*CLANG!*

Two sets of powerful, clawed feet slammed into the ground, kicking up a cloud of snow. J and V had finally decided to make their move.

"Back off, toaster," J sneered, her hand transforming into a multi-barreled machine gun. She didn't point it at Mario, though. She pointed it directly at Uzi’s head.

"He doesn't belong with a defective worker drone," V added, her wings flared out to block Mario’s path. She looked down at Mario with a predatory, yet strangely soft, gaze. "He belongs with the winners. And we have much better toys than she does."

"Get bent!" Uzi snarled, leveling her railgun. "He was with me first!"

Mario, still holding the phone, looked at the three female robots arguing over him. "Wow, Mario is very popular today. Is it because I washed my hat?"

"Mario, run!" SMG4 yelled from the phone. "They look like they're going to dismantle you!"

"Quiet, you!" J snapped. She reached out with a lightning-fast motion, snatching Mario around the waist.

"Hey! Let go of the Mario! I was talking to my friend!"

V grabbed Mario’s other side, and together, the two Disassembly Drones took to the skies. Their powerful wings beat against the thin atmosphere, carrying them high above the ruined city.

"Put him down!" Uzi screamed from below, firing a beam of green energy that narrowly missed V’s tail.

Up in the air, Mario was being squeezed between the two deadly machines. J had her arm wrapped firmly around his chest, while V was leaning in, sniffing his hat.

"You smell like... grease and old cheese," V purred. "It’s intoxicating."

"We’re taking you back to the spire," J informed him, her voice surprisingly gentle compared to her usual corporate tone. "You’ll be safe there. We can find some... whatever it is you eat. Carbon-based nutrients?"

Mario sighed, looking at the phone he was still holding. "Sorry, SMG4. I gotta go. These ladies are very clingy."

On the screen, SMG4, Meggy, and Luigi were staring in absolute horror. They watched through the camera as Mario was carried through the clouds by two winged killing machines who were currently arguing over who got to hold his hand.

"Is... is he being kidnapped?" Luigi asked, trembling.

"It looks more like he's being adopted," Meggy remarked, her eyebrows twitching. "Or... something weirder."

"Mario! Give us a location! We'll save you!" SMG4 pleaded.

Mario looked down at the breathtaking view of the frozen wasteland, then back at the two murder drones who were now literally nuzzling his shoulders as they flew.

"Eh, I'm okay for now," Mario said, leaning back into the protective grasp of his captors. "They have shiny wings and they’re very warm. Call me back when the pizza gets to the castle!"

"Mario, wait—!"

Mario hung up the phone, stuffed it back into his pocket, and let out a happy cheer. "Wahoo! I can see my house from here! Wait, no I can't. That's a dumpster."

J and V shared a look over the top of his head. They didn't care about the mission anymore. They didn't care about the company. They had found the strangest, dumbest, and most fascinating creature in the universe, and they weren't planning on letting him go anytime soon.

As they soared toward the horizon, Mario simply kicked his legs back and forth, enjoying the ride.

"So," Mario said, looking up at V. "Do you girls know any place that delivers? Mario is starving."