I dunno fanfic

The sun was shining over the Mushroom Kingdom, or at least it was trying to. At the brand new, shiny, and definitely-not-haunted-by-demonic-entities SMG4 castle, the atmosphere was one of typical, chaotic domesticity. SMG4 was hunched over his computer, his eyes bloodshot as he tried to edit a meme involving a dancing trash can. Meggy was practicing her kicks in the courtyard, Saiko was tuning her guitar with aggressive intensity, and Tari was happily playing a game on her meta-runner arm.

In the center of the main hall, Mario was busy being Mario. This involved trying to see how many pieces of raw spaghetti he could shove into his nose while balancing a plate of steaming hot pizza on his head.

"Mama-f**ker!" Mario cheered, successfully wedging the twelfth noodle into his nostril.

"Mario, for the love of God, stop that!" SMG4 yelled from the balcony. "I’m trying to work on the next video and the sound of your nasal pasta is distracting!"

Before Mario could retort with a witty comment or a middle finger, the air in the center of the room began to ripple. A swirling, violent vortex of purple energy tore open the fabric of reality, crackling with static and digital artifacts.

"Uh oh," Mario said, the pizza sliding off his head and landing face-down on the floor. "Not again."

The vacuum force was instantaneous. Mario’s overalls billowed as he was lifted off his feet. He let out a high-pitched scream, grabbing onto the edge of a nearby rug.

"Mario!" Meggy shouted, dropping her training gear and sprinting toward him.

"Grab my hand!" SMG4 lunged over the railing, reaching out as the rest of the crew rushed to help. Bob tried to hook Mario with his blades, and Tari reached out with a look of pure terror.

But the vortex was faster. With a final, digitized *pop*, Mario was sucked into the purple void. The portal snapped shut, leaving behind nothing but a single, lonely piece of spaghetti fluttering to the floor.

"Mario!" the crew screamed in unison, staring at the empty space where their resident idiot used to be.

***

Mario didn’t land gracefully. He fell through a sky of perpetual night, past a shattered moon that looked like someone had taken a bite out of it, and slammed hard into a pile of something metallic and crunching.

"Oof! My spicy meatballs..." Mario groaned, rubbing his backside.

He looked down and realized he wasn't on a pile of trash. He was sitting on a mountain of robotic corpses. They were white, sleek, and had crossed-out eyes on their digital visors. Oil was smeared everywhere like macabre grease.

"Eww, this isn't the pizza parlor," Mario muttered, standing up and dusting off his overalls. He looked around at the frozen, snowy wasteland. "Man, the new map for Gmod looks depressing."

High above on a rusted girder, two pairs of neon yellow eyes flickered to life.

Serial Designation V tilted her head, her bladed wings twitching. Beside her, Serial Designation J adjusted her hair ties, her sensors recalibrating. They had been scouting for remaining Worker Drones, but they had never seen a biological entity like this. He was round, red, and smelled faintly of tomato sauce and bad hygiene.

"Is that... a human?" J whispered, her internal processors whirring. "But he’s so... squishy. And vibrant."

V licked a drop of oil off her claw, her yellow eye-displays shifting into wide, curious circles. "He looks like he’d make a very loud noise if I poked him. I want to keep him."

J scoffed, though she couldn't tear her gaze away. "He’s an anomaly. We should report him to the company. But... look at those mustache vibrations. It’s strangely hypnotic."

Mario, completely unaware that two lethal killing machines were developing a weird crush on him, hopped off the pile of bodies. "Hello? Is anybody home? I’m hungry!"

He began to wander through the ruins of Copper-9. He kicked a stray skull like a soccer ball and hummed the theme to *Super Mario Bros.*, seemingly immune to the terrifying atmosphere.

As he rounded a corner near a collapsed bunker entrance, a purple-haired girl jumped out from behind a rusted van. She brandished a massive, glowing green railgun.

"Back off, you bucket of bolts!" Uzi Doorman yelled, her visor flashing an angry 'X'.

Mario stopped. He blinked at her. He didn't look scared. He didn't even look impressed. He just stared at her with his wide, vacant eyes.

"Ooh, a purple toaster," Mario said cheerfully.

Uzi’s finger hesitated on the trigger. Her digital blush sensors flared a bright purple. Up close, this human was... different. He didn't look like the cold, corporate scientists from the old tapes. He looked like a chaotic ball of pure, unadulterated energy.

"I—I’m not a toaster!" Uzi stuttered, her railgun lowering slightly. "I’m a Disassembly Drone hunter! And you’re... what are you? You’re a human, right? You’re supposed to be extinct on this planet."

Mario walked right up to her and patted the top of her head. "I’m-a Mario! Do you have any spaghetti?"

Uzi’s visor turned into a chaotic mess of error symbols and blushing emojis. The warmth of his hand on her cold metal head sent a jolt through her circuits that no battery pack ever could. "Spaghetti? No! We have... oil? And angst?"

Mario sighed, disappointed. "Mama mia. This place sucks."

He turned and hopped past her, his boots making a cheerful *boing* sound in the snow. Uzi stood frozen for a second before her survival instincts were completely overridden by an overwhelming urge to follow him.

"Hey! Wait up! You can’t just walk around here alone!" Uzi shouted, running to catch up. She stayed glued to his side, her railgun held at the ready, glaring at the shadows. "There are things here that will eat you! Only I get to... I mean, I’m the one protecting you!"

Suddenly, a holographic screen projected out of thin air in front of Mario. It was a video call from SMG4.

"Mario! Can you hear me?" SMG4’s face was panicked. "We’re trying to lock onto your coordinates! Don't move!"

Uzi immediately hissed, her visor displaying a 'WARNING' sign. She leaped in front of the hologram, swinging her railgun wildly.

"Who is that?! Are they trying to take you away?" she demanded, her voice dripping with possessive venom. "Back off, screen-man! He’s with me now!"

"Who the hell is that?!" SMG4 screamed from the other side. "Mario, is that a robot with a gun?"

"She’s a grumpy toaster," Mario explained, picking his nose.

Before the conversation could continue, the purple vortex reappeared directly behind Mario. The suction began again, pulling at his red shirt.

"We got him! Pull!" he heard Meggy’s voice shouting from within the portal.

"No!" Uzi screamed, grabbing Mario’s arm.

From the rooftops, V and J saw their prize being taken. They didn't hesitate. They dove from the sky, their wings retracted into sleek forms as they slammed into Mario from the other side.

"He’s not going anywhere!" V laughed maniacally, wrapping her arms around Mario’s waist.

"This is company property now!" J added, grabbing his leg.

The SMG4 crew pulled from the Mushroom Kingdom. The three drones pulled from Copper-9. The result was a chaotic tangle of limbs, metal, and overalls as the entire group was sucked through the wormhole.

***

The return to the castle was not quiet. There was a loud *thump*, followed by the sound of metal clashing against stone floor.

SMG4, Meggy, and the others scrambled back as Mario landed on the rug in the main hall. He looked exhausted, his hat slightly askew. But he wasn't alone.

Uzi was wrapped around his right arm, her railgun pointed threateningly at Bob. V was draped over his shoulders like a lethal scarf, her tail wagging dangerously. J was hugging his left leg, glaring at SMG4 with corporate coldness.

"What... the... f**k... are those?" SMG4 asked, pointing a trembling finger at the trio.

"They’re my new friends," Mario wheezed, feeling the weight of three metallic girls.

Meggy stepped forward. "Mario, they look dangerous. Let them go so we can—"

Uzi’s visor flashed a jagged red 'X'. "Touch him and I’ll turn your internal organs into external decorations!"

V let out a low, predatory purr, her claws clicking against Mario’s overalls. "He’s warm. I like the warmth. If any of you try to move him, I’ll see how many pieces you break into."

J just sniffed. "This facility is substandard, but the asset is high-value. We are staying."

The SMG4 crew stood in a stunned silence. They had dealt with eldritch horrors, possessed internet memes, and anime wars, but three obsessive robot girls from space was a new one.

Mario, however, had reached his limit for the day. He crawled toward the couch, dragging the three drones with him. They didn't let go; they simply slid along the floor, refusing to break contact.

With a heavy grunt, Mario flopped onto the cushions. The drones immediately rearranged themselves. Uzi tucked herself under his arm, resting her head on his chest. V curled up on his lap, and J took the spot right next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"Mario is tired," the plumber announced.

He reached out and began to pat Uzi’s head, then V’s, then J’s. He treated them exactly like he treated his pet rock or a stray Yoshi.

"Nice toasters," Mario mumbled.

Uzi’s fans kicked into high gear, her faceplate glowing purple. V closed her eyes, her tail settling into a rhythmic tap-tap-tap against the sofa. J’s stern expression softened, her digital eyes drifting shut as she enjoyed the rhythmic patting.

Mario grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. A marathon of *The Teletubbies* was playing.

The SMG4 crew watched from the doorway, completely baffled.

"Should we... do something?" Tari whispered.

SMG4 watched as Mario shared a piece of hidden sofa-pizza with V, who ate it despite not having a digestive system for organic matter.

"Honestly?" SMG4 sighed, rubbing his temples. "As long as they aren't destroying the castle, I don't care anymore. I have a video to finish."

As the afternoon sun faded, the castle grew quiet, save for the sound of the TV and the synchronized humming of three Murder Drones, all perfectly content to be exactly where they were—clinging to their favorite human.