Mully's adventure through Nazarick

"Alright, boys, today we are looking at the absolute bottom of the barrel when it comes to Reddit memes," Mully said, leaning into his microphone while adjusting his headset. His face was illuminated by the harsh glow of his dual-monitor setup. "And I’ve got the man, the myth, the voice of reason himself—Narrator—with me. Say hello, you beautiful bastard."

"Hello, everyone! I’m just here to make sure Mully doesn't lose his last two brain cells while looking at these," Narrator’s voice crackled through the Discord call, warm and filled with its signature radio-host charm.

Mully chuckled, clicking onto a particularly cursed image of a cat with human teeth. "Look at this one, Narrator. That looks like you on a Sunday morning."

"Oh, stop it. I don’t even have that much hair anymore," Narrator laughed. Suddenly, his tone shifted. The jovial warmth vanished, replaced by a sharp, panicked intake of breath. "Mully? Uh, Mully? What is that behind you?"

"What? My laundry? I told you, I’ll do it later," Mully groaned, not turning around.

"No! Behind your chair! There’s a... there’s a hole! It’s purple!" Narrator shouted, his voice peaking in the microphone. "Mully, get out of the room! Mully!"

Mully finally turned his head, but it was too late. A swirling vortex of obsidian and violet energy had torn through the fabric of his bedroom wall. It didn't make a sound; it simply inhaled. Before Mully could even shout a slur or a joke, the vacuum force yanked him backward. His headset was ripped from his head, his chair flipped, and with a muffled yelp, he was gone.

The vortex snapped shut. In the silence of the empty room, Narrator’s voice continued to bleed out of the discarded headset lying on the carpet. "Mully? Mully! Answer me! I’m calling the police! Or a priest! Mully!"

***

Mully hit a floor that felt far too cold and far too polished to be his bedroom carpet. He groaned, the air having been knocked out of his lungs. For a moment, he just stayed there, face-pressed against the marble, wondering if the Taco Bell he’d had for lunch had finally induced a hallucinogenic stroke.

He pushed himself up, rubbing his lower back. "Bloody hell... that’s going to leave a bruise."

He stood up and blinked, expecting to see his messy desk or perhaps the inside of an ambulance. Instead, he found himself in a hall so vast it made a cathedral look like a walk-in closet. Massive pillars lined with gold leaf stretched toward a ceiling painted with celestial maps. The air smelled of expensive incense and ancient power.

At the far end of the hall sat a throne that looked like it was carved from the bones of a god. And on that throne sat a nightmare.

A towering skeleton, draped in regal purple and gold robes, gripped a staff that pulsed with a dozen different gems. His empty eye sockets flickered with a faint, ghostly red light. Beside him stood a woman who was breathtakingly beautiful, yet terrifying; she wore a dress of pure white, but black feathered wings sprouted from her hips, and horns curved from her temples.

Mully didn't scream. He didn't run. He didn't even drop his jaw. He just stood there, his hands in the pockets of his oversized hoodie, looking at the two of them with a look of profound, soul-crushing boredom.

"Is this a prank?" Mully asked, his voice echoing through the silent Throne Room of Nazarick. "Because if Josh is behind that pillar with a camera, I’m going to kick his teeth in."

The skeleton leaned forward, a strange, mechanical green aura momentarily flickering around his body. "You... you show no fear," the figure said. His voice was deep, echoing with a weight that should have made Mully’s knees buckle. "You stand in the presence of Ainz Ooal Gown, the Sorcerer King, and you treat it as a common annoyance?"

The winged woman stepped forward, her hand resting on the hilt of a weapon Mully hadn't noticed before. Her eyes were narrowed into slits of pure hatred. "Lord Ainz, permit me to execute this insolent human. He dares to look upon your majesty with such dull eyes!"

"Easy, Albedo," Ainz said, raising a skeletal hand. He turned back to Mully. "I am curious. How did you arrive here? No teleportation magic I know of leaves such a trace."

Mully shrugged, walking closer. He stopped just a few feet from the dais, staring up at the giant skeleton. "I don't know, mate. A purple hole opened up behind my chair and sucked me in. One minute I’m looking at memes, the next I’m in a goth’s fever dream. Look, can I just go home? I was in the middle of a recording."

Ainz paused. He seemed to be processing the sheer audacity of the man standing before him. "Go home? You have entered the Great Tomb of Nazarick. No one leaves without my express permission. And currently, I have no way of sending you back to a realm I do not recognize."

"So that's a no?" Mully sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Great. Fantastic. I’m stuck in a Dungeons and Dragons campaign with a giant Q-tip."

Albedo let out a low hiss, her wings fluttering aggressively. "You dare—!"

Before she could finish her threat, a blur of motion appeared to Mully's left. In a flurry of rose petals and dark energy, a third figure appeared. She was small, dressed in a complex, ruffled red gothic dress, with silver hair and eyes that glowed with a predatory hunger.

Shalltear Bloodfallen didn't attack. Instead, she stopped inches from Mully, her nose twitching. She began to circle him like a shark, sniffing the air around his hoodie.

"Oh my," Shalltear whispered, her voice a mix of awe and disturbing obsession. "What is this scent? It isn't the smell of a normal human. It’s... it’s the scent of grease, energy drinks, and... utter apathy. It’s intoxicating!"

Mully leaned away as the vampire girl got uncomfortably close to his neck. "Whoa, hey, personal space, Twilight. Back it up a bit."

"Such a defiant tongue," Shalltear giggled, her pale cheeks flushing a dark crimson. "Lord Ainz, may I keep him? He is so delightfully strange! I want to see what kind of sounds he makes when I—"

"No one is keeping anyone," Ainz interrupted, sounding remarkably like a tired father.

Suddenly, a muffled, upbeat pop song began to play. It was loud, jarring, and completely out of place in the grim majesty of the throne room.

Mully reached into his pocket and pulled out his iPhone. The screen was cracked, but the face of JoshDub was plastered across the display.

"Oh, thank god, I still have roaming," Mully muttered. He swiped the screen and held the phone up. "Yo."

"MULLY!" Josh’s voice screamed from the speaker, joined by the frantic shouting of Eddie and Juicy in the background. "Dude! Where the hell are you? Narrator said you got sucked into a black hole! We’re at your house, the cops are here, and Narrator is crying in the corner!"

Mully turned the phone around so the camera was facing Ainz and the rest of the floor. "I’m in a castle, I think. There’s a big skeleton guy and a girl who really wants to bite my jugular. Look."

On the small screen, Josh, Eddie, and Juicy froze. Their eyes went wide as they took in the sight of the Sorcerer King and the legendary guardians of Nazarick.

"Is that... is that a giant skeleton?" Eddie’s voice came through, sounding terrified. "Mully, get out of there! That’s some Santeria shit!"

"Mully, look at the wings on that lady!" Juicy shouted. "Ask her if she wants to be in a skit! We can do a 'Beauty and the Beast' thing, but I’m the beast and he’s the... well, he’s a skeleton."

Ainz Ooal Gown stared at the small glowing rectangle in Mully’s hand. He leaned down, his curiosity getting the better of his regal persona. "Is that... a communication mirror? No, the technology is different. Who are these people?"

"These are my idiots," Mully said, turning the phone back to himself. "Guys, this is Ainz. He says I can't come home yet because he doesn't know where 'home' is."

"Tell him we’ll trade!" Juicy yelled. "Tell him he can have Narrator! We’ll throw in a pack of Tim Tams and a slightly used VR headset!"

"I heard that, Juicy!" Narrator’s voice echoed from somewhere off-camera on the call.

Albedo stepped toward Mully, her eyes fixed on the phone. "What is this sorcery? How are these peasants speaking to you through a glass shard?"

Mully looked at Albedo, then at the phone, then back at Ainz. He realized he was in a world of magic, gods, and monsters, and he was currently the only person with a 5G connection.

"It’s a phone, lady. Ever heard of FaceTime?" Mully asked. He looked back at the screen. "Anyway, Josh, listen. If I don't make it back, tell my mom I love her, and tell Narrator he still owes me twenty bucks for that pizza."

"Mully, wait!" Josh shouted. "We’re trying to find a way to—"

The signal flickered. The magical interference of the Great Tomb was finally starting to win.

"Listen, Ainz," Mully said, sliding his phone back into his pocket as the call died. "You’ve got two options. Either you find a way to send me back, or I’m going to stay here and complain about the lack of Wi-Fi until your skull aches. And trust me, I can be very annoying."

Ainz was silent for a long time. The green light of his emotional suppressor flickered repeatedly, trying to keep him calm in the face of the most unimpressed human he had ever encountered.

"Shalltear," Ainz finally said, gesturing to Mully. "Take our guest to a guest suite. Do not... eat him. Yet. I need to consult the library."

Shalltear’s eyes lit up. "With pleasure, my Lord!"

She grabbed Mully’s arm, pressing it against her chest. "Come along, little human. I have so many things to show you."

Mully sighed, allowing himself to be led away toward the exit of the throne room. "Fine. But if there isn't a charger in that room, I’m leaving a one-star review on Yelp. This place has terrible service."

As they walked away, Ainz sat back on his throne, his skeletal fingers drumming against the armrest. "Albedo?"

"Yes, Lord Ainz?"

"What is a... Tim Tam?"

Albedo bowed low. "I shall begin an investigation immediately, my Lord."