Funni

The sun beat down on the Mushroom Kingdom showgrounds, casting long shadows across the quirky architecture of SMG4’s new castle. Inside the main foyer, the atmosphere was thick with a tension that Mario was completely oblivious to. He was currently occupied with a very important task: seeing how many mini-marshmallows he could stuff into his nose before he sneezed.

"Ninety-eight... ninety-nine..." Mario grunted, his face turning a shade of purple that almost matched Waluigi’s overalls.

SMG4, hunched over his laptop at a nearby table, slammed his fist down. "Mario! For the love of everything holy, can you be quiet for five minutes? I’m trying to edit the most important sub-plot of the century and all I can hear is you whistling through your nostrils!"

Mario’s face fell. The marshmallows popped out of his nose like tiny white cannonballs, scattering across the floor. His lower lip trembled, and his large, soulful eyes welled up with tears. He looked like a puppy that had just been told it was a bad boy.

"Mario was just having fun," he whimpered, his voice cracking.

Usually, this would be the part where the rest of the crew rolled their eyes or joined in on the scolding. But today was different. A chilling draft seemed to sweep through the room. SMG4 felt a cold sweat break out on the back of his neck. He slowly looked up from his screen, only to find himself staring into the eyes of a firing squad.

Meggy had her arms crossed, her gaze sharp enough to cut through steel. Tari was clutching her meta-runner arm, her usual shyness replaced by a protective, fierce glare. Saiko leaned against her giant hammer, her expression one of pure, unadulterated menace. Melony, usually half-asleep, was wide awake, her hand hovering near the hilt of her deity sword. Even Karen, who usually couldn't be bothered to care about anything that didn't involve a paycheck, was narrowing her eyes at the meme-guardian while sharpening her claws on a nearby pillar.

"You made him sad," Meggy said, her voice dropping to a dangerous octave.

"He was just playing," Tari added, her voice trembling not with fear, but with suppressed indignation.

"Apologize. Now," Saiko commanded, the head of her hammer cracking the floor tiles slightly.

SMG4 stammered, his hands held up in defense. "I—I just—he was being loud! You guys usually complain about him more than I do!"

"That was before," Karen hissed, her tail lashing back and forth. "Now, shut your mouth before I make sure you never tweet again."

Luigi, standing by the kitchen counter, dropped the plate he was drying. It shattered into a million pieces, mirroring his shattered understanding of reality. "Uh, girls? Is everything okay? Mario’s... well, he’s Mario. He’s used to being told to be quiet."

The girls didn't even look at Luigi. Their focus remained entirely on the red-clad plumber, who was still sniffing pathetically on the floor. In an instant, the "convoy" moved. They swarmed Mario, forming a protective circle that completely cut him off from the rest of the room.

"It’s okay, Mario," Meggy said, her voice suddenly sweet and nurturing as she patted his shoulder. "Do you want to go get some spaghetti? My treat."

"We could play some games," Tari offered, leaning in close. "I won't even win on purpose this time."

Mario blinked, his sadness instantly replaced by his signature look of vacant confusion. "Ooh! Spaghetti? And games? Mario likes those things!"

He scrambled to his feet, dusting off his overalls. He didn't seem to notice that Saiko was currently positioning herself as a human shield between him and SMG4, or that Melony was staring at him with a look of intense, dreamy adoration.

"I’m gonna go to the kitchen!" Mario announced, breaking into a run.

"We’re coming too!" the girls shouted in unison.

The sound of their collective footsteps echoed through the halls as they trailed after him like a school of piranhas following a particularly plump goldfish.

Luigi walked over to SMG4, who was still frozen in his chair. "Four? What just happened? Why is everyone acting like Mario is a precious porcelain doll?"

SMG4 rubbed his temples. "I don't know, Luigi. I think the logic of this universe finally snapped. They’re obsessed. It’s like some weird biological instinct kicked in and now they’ve turned into his personal secret service."

"I'm worried," Luigi whispered, glancing toward the kitchen where the sound of Mario loudly slurping noodles was accompanied by a chorus of "Aww" and "He’s so cute when he eats."

Inside the kitchen, Mario was face-down in a bowl of pasta that Karen had somehow produced from thin air. She stood over him, tapping her foot, looking surprisingly domestic despite the murderous glint still lingering in her eyes.

"Slow down, Red," Karen muttered, though her tone lacked its usual bite. "You’ll choke, and then I’ll have to perform the Heimlich, and I haven't had my coffee yet."

"Mario is a professional eater!" Mario muffled through a mouth full of carbs. He stood up, sauce smeared across his mustache, and beamed at them. "Okay! Mario is bored of the kitchen now. I want to go see the ducks at the pond!"

He bolted out the back door, his arms flailing behind him.

"Wait for us!" Meggy cried out, leaping over a kitchen stool to follow.

The parade continued across the showgrounds. Mario leaped over a hedge, and five women leaped after him. Mario stopped to poke a dead bug with a stick, and the girls gathered around, nodding as if he were performing a complex scientific experiment.

"Look at the way he holds the stick," Melony whispered, clutching her pillow. "Such grace."

"He’s a natural leader," Saiko added, her arms crossed as she scanned the perimeter for any potential "threats" to Mario’s fun.

Bob and Fishy Boopkins were sitting on a nearby bench, watching the spectacle with dropped jaws.

"Yo, what the hell is going on?" Bob asked, his green hood tilting to the side. "Is Mario wearing some kind of pheromone cologne? Did he finally shower?"

"I don't think so, Bob," Boopkins squealed. "He looks very popular! I wish girls would follow me around like that."

"Trust me, Boopkins, you don't want that," Bob remarked, watching as Meggy literally tackled a Koopa Troopa that had accidentally walked too close to Mario’s path. "That looks like a restraining order waiting to happen."

Mario, meanwhile, had reached the pond. He stood at the edge, staring at his reflection. "Hello, handsome," he told himself.

"You are handsome, Mario," Tari said softly, standing right behind him.

Mario jumped, nearly falling into the water. "Mama-f**ker! You scared Mario!"

Tari’s face instantly fell into a mask of guilt. "I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Did I hurt your feelings?"

Before Mario could answer, Saiko had Tari by the collar of her hoodie. "Watch it, bluey! You almost gave him a heart attack!"

"It was an accident!" Tari wailed.

Mario watched the two of them start to bicker over his well-being, his brain struggling to process why everyone was acting so "spicy." He decided the best course of action was to run away again. This was a game he liked to play called "Run away from the scary ladies."

He took off toward the castle towers, giggling to himself. "You can't catch the Mario! I'm-a too fast!"

He scrambled up a stone staircase, his heavy boots clunking against the masonry. He reached a balcony overlooking the entire grounds and took a deep breath of the fresh air. "Ah... peace and—"

"Mario! There you are!"

He spun around to see all five of them breathing heavily at the top of the stairs. They hadn't even broken a sweat; they were just determined.

"Why are you guys following me?" Mario asked, tilting his head. "Is there a fire? Is Bowser stealing the princess again? Is it Tuesday?"

Meggy stepped forward, her expression softening into something uncharacteristically mushy. "We just want to make sure you're okay, Mario. You do so much for us, and sometimes people—like SMG4—don't appreciate how special you are."

Mario blinked. "Special? Like the kind of special where I get a gold sticker?"

"Exactly like that," Karen said, leaning against the doorway. "Now, come on. It’s getting windy. You’ll catch a cold and then I’ll have to hear you sneeze, which is a sound I’d rather avoid."

Luigi appeared at the bottom of the balcony stairs, looking up with a mix of fear and confusion. "Mario! Are you alright? Do you need me to call a priest? Or a psychologist?"

"Luigi! Look! Mario has a fan club!" Mario shouted down, waving his arms frantically.

The girls all turned their heads in perfect synchronization to look down at Luigi. The collective "death stare" returned. Luigi gulped, his knees knocking together.

"He’s fine, Luigi," Saiko yelled down, her voice echoing off the stone walls. "Go back to your vacuuming or whatever it is you do."

"But... but he’s my brother!" Luigi protested weakly.

"And he’s our priority," Melony said, her eyes glowing with a faint green light.

Mario, sensing the tension, decided he wanted to go back to the main hall. He pushed past the girls, who immediately parted like the Red Sea to let him through, only to close ranks behind him the second he passed.

As they walked back through the castle, Mario spotted a plate of cookies on a pedestal. He lunged for them, but his foot caught on a rug. He began to tumble forward in slow motion.

"MARIO!" five voices screamed in terror.

Before he could hit the floor, Meggy had caught his torso, Tari had grabbed his arm, Saiko had braced his legs, and Melony had conjured a soft vine to cushion his head. Karen just stood by with a first-aid kit she had seemingly pulled out of a pocket dimension.

"Are you hurt?" Meggy asked, her voice frantic. "Speak to me! How many fingers am I holding up?"

"I just wanted the cookie," Mario whimpered, reaching out a hand toward the pedestal.

Karen grabbed a cookie and shoved it into his mouth. "Here. Eat it and stay still for five seconds."

SMG4 walked into the hallway, witnessing the human-pile of girls cradling Mario like he was the Dalai Lama. He just sighed, turned around, and walked back the other way.

"I’m moving to the internet graveyard," SMG4 muttered to himself. "At least the dead memes make sense."

Luigi caught up to SMG4 in the foyer. "We have to do something, SMG4! They’re... they’re smothering him! Mario can't even trip without it becoming a national tragedy!"

"What do you want me to do, Luigi?" SMG4 asked, throwing his hands up. "If I try to intervene, Saiko will probably turn me into a pancake. Did you see those glares? I’ve fought eldritch horrors that were less intimidating than Karen when she’s protective."

"But look at him!" Luigi pointed toward the hallway.

Mario was now sitting on a literal throne of cushions the girls had gathered. Meggy was recounting his "heroic" deeds, Tari was showing him puppy videos on her arm-screen, and Melony was peeling grapes for him.

Mario looked at the camera, a single tear of joy rolling down his cheek. "Mario... Mario finally made it, boys."

However, the "adoration" was starting to take a darker turn. Whenever Mario tried to get up to go to the bathroom, the girls would stand up in unison, ready to escort him.

"Uh... Mario needs to do a big stinky," he said, shifting uncomfortably.

"We’ll wait right outside the door," Meggy promised.

"I’ll check the stalls for monsters!" Saiko added, brandishing her hammer.

Mario’s eyes widened. "No! Mario wants to go alone! It’s a secret mission!"

The girls hesitated. They looked at each other, a silent debate passing between them. Finally, Karen sighed. "Fine. Three minutes. If you aren't out by then, we’re coming in with a tactical breach."

Mario bolted into the bathroom and locked the door. He slumped against the wood, breathing heavily. "Mama mia... being popular is hard work."

He looked at the small bathroom window. It was just big enough for a plumber of his... robust stature.

Outside, the girls stood in a semi-circle around the door, arms crossed, looking like the world's most dangerous bouncers.

"He’s been in there for two minutes and forty seconds," Tari whispered, checking her internal clock.

"He’s probably just contemplating life," Melony suggested dreamily.

"Or he’s escaped," Karen said, her eyes narrowing.

They burst through the door. The bathroom was empty. The window was wide open, a single red thread from Mario’s overalls caught on the latch.

"HE’S GONE!" Meggy shrieked. "FIND HIM! HE COULD BE COLD! HE COULD BE LONELY! HE COULD BE EATING SUB-PAR SPAGHETTI!"

They scrambled out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake as they sprinted toward the castle exit.

Luigi, watching from the balcony, saw Mario sprinting across the fields toward the horizon, his hat flying off in the wind. Behind him, a cloud of dust signaled the approach of his "mini convoy."

"Good luck, Mario," Luigi sighed, tipping an imaginary hat. "You're gonna need it."

Mario screamed as he ran, the sound echoing across the Mushroom Kingdom. "HELP! THE PRETTY LADIES ARE CRAZY! I JUST WANT TO BE STUPID IN PEACE!"

But the girls were closing in, their eyes filled with a terrifying, obsessive love. The hunt was on, and Mario was the only prize that mattered.