Mario's defence force

The afternoon sun filtered through the stained-glass windows of the Showgrounds castle, casting colorful patterns across the floorboards. Mario, the self-proclaimed king of spaghetti and professional idiot, was currently occupied with a very important task: seeing how many marshmallows he could fit into his nose while balancing a spinning plate on his foot.

"Ooh, look at me! I’m a majestic unicorn!" Mario giggled, his voice muffled by the sugary white cylinders protruding from his nostrils. He stumbled slightly, the plate wobbling precariously on his shoe before he regained his balance with a clumsy, yet strangely endearing, hop.

In the corner of the room, Meggy, Saiko, and Tari were huddled together. Usually, they would be rolling their eyes or preparing to scold him for making a mess. Today, however, their expressions were uncharacteristically soft. Meggy leaned her chin on her hand, a dreamy look in her eyes as she watched Mario accidentally trip over his own cape and fall flat on his face.

"He’s so... graceful," Meggy whispered, her voice laced with an odd intensity.

"He’s like a chaotic little kitten," Tari added, clutching her meta-runner arm to her chest. "Look at how he just gets back up. He’s so resilient."

Even Karen, who had stopped by to deliver a package and usually had the temperament of a sandpaper-covered cactus, was leaning against the doorway with a faint blush on her feline face. She adjusted her glasses, her tail twitching. "I've seen a lot of idiots in my line of work," she muttered under her breath, "but he’s the only one who makes idiocy look like a high art form."

SMG4, hunched over his laptop at the main table, was having a significantly less magical time. He was trying to edit a video involving a dancing toilet, and the sound of Mario’s muffled "Wahoo!" was making it impossible to focus.

"Mario! For the love of God, keep it down!" SMG4 snapped without looking up. "I’m trying to work, and your breathing sounds like a vacuum cleaner stuck on a rug!"

Mario froze mid-waddle. His shoulders slumped, and the marshmallows fell out of his nose with a series of soft *thumps*. His large, blue eyes welled up with tears, and his lower lip trembled. "Oh... okay. Mario sorry. Mario will be a quiet pebble now."

He sat down on the floor, hugging his knees and looking like the loneliest plumber in the world.

The atmosphere in the room shifted instantly. The temperature seemed to drop twenty degrees. SMG4 felt a prickling sensation on the back of his neck and slowly turned around. He found himself staring into the murderous glares of four very angry women.

Meggy’s hand was resting on her Splattershot. Saiko’s grip tightened on her massive hammer until the wood creaked. Tari was vibrating with a quiet, glitchy rage, and Karen looked like she was ready to file a complaint directly to the afterlife.

"Did you just make him sad?" Saiko asked, her voice a low, dangerous growl.

"I-I just told him to be quiet!" SMG4 stammered, raising his hands in defense. "He was being loud!"

"He was being joyful," Karen corrected, stepping into the room with a predatory elegance. "And you extinguished that joy. That’s a violation of human—and plumber—rights."

Before SMG4 could argue, the girls ignored him entirely and swarmed toward Mario. It was a blur of movement that left the rest of the crew—Bob, Boopkins, and a very confused Luigi—standing in the dust.

"It’s okay, Red!" Meggy said, kneeling beside him and patting his shoulder. "You can be as loud as you want. Don't listen to that mean meme-man."

"Do you want to play a game, Mario?" Tari asked eagerly, pulling out a handheld console. "I’ll let you win! I’ll let you win ten times!"

"I’ll crush anyone who tells you to be quiet again," Saiko added, looming over him like a protective, pink-haired bodyguard.

Luigi blinked, adjusting his green hat. "M-Mario? Since when did you get... popular?"

"I don't know, Luigi!" Mario beamed, his sadness vanishing in an instant as he soaked up the attention. "Mario is a superstar! Maybe it’s my new shampoo. It smells like old cheese and victory!"

Luigi took a tentative step forward, wanting to check on his brother. "Hey, Mario, I was thinking maybe we could go home and—"

"Back off, Greenie," Saiko snapped, her hammer blocking Luigi’s path. "He’s busy being adored."

"But he’s my brother!" Luigi squeaked.

"And he’s our priority," Karen said, crossing her arms. "Move along before I write you a citation for loitering."

Mario looked up and saw Luigi’s dejected face. He hopped to his feet, pushing through the circle of girls with surprising ease. "Hey! No hurting Luigi! He’s the bestest brother ever, even if he’s a scaredy-cat."

The girls immediately softened, their aggressive stances melting away at Mario’s command. "If that’s what you want, Mario," Meggy said with a forced smile.

Mario grabbed Luigi’s hand and pulled him into the circle. "Luigi, tell them about the thing! The thing with the spaghetti!"

Luigi sighed in relief, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a perfectly wrapped, steaming plate of spaghetti that he had been saving for later. "I actually brought you some, Mario. I thought you might be hungry."

Mario’s eyes turned into literal hearts. "Luigi! You’re a genius! I love you more than life itself!"

As Mario sat on the floor, happily slurping up noodles, Luigi sat beside him. They began to chat about their latest adventures in the kingdom, Mario’s stories becoming increasingly exaggerated with every bite.

"And then," Mario said, a meatball stuck to his cheek, "I told the dragon, 'Hey! You can't eat that mailbox! That’s federal property!'"

Luigi laughed. "Mario, that was a trash can, and you were talking to a fire hydrant."

"Details, details!"

While the brothers bonded, the circle of girls was growing increasingly restless. Every time Luigi made Mario laugh, or every time Mario leaned against Luigi’s shoulder, a wave of jealousy rippled through the group.

"I could make him much better spaghetti than that," Meggy muttered, her eyes narrowing. "I’d just have to... learn how to boil water without starting a fire first."

"I have a VR simulation of a spaghetti factory," Tari whispered, her fingers twitching. "We could go there. Just the two of us. Forever."

Saiko stepped forward, interrupting Luigi mid-sentence. "Anyway, Mario! Forget about the fire hydrants. I was thinking we could go to the arcade. I’ll let you use my hammer to smash the high scores."

"Actually," Karen interrupted, stepping in front of Saiko. "I have a VIP pass to the new 'All-You-Can-Eat' buffet downtown. It’s private. No brothers allowed."

"Hey!" Luigi protested. "We were right in the middle of a conversation!"

"And now you’re in the middle of an exit," Saiko said, her eyes flashing dangerously.

Mario looked back and forth between his friends, his simple brain struggling to process the sudden tension. "Uh, guys? Why are you making the scary faces? You look like Bowser when he gets a bill in the mail."

"We just want to spend quality time with you, Mario," Meggy said, her voice dripping with a sweetness that felt slightly terrifying. "Without any... distractions."

She glanced pointedly at Luigi, who gulped and began to back away slowly.

"But I like distractions!" Mario shouted, standing up. "Distractions are where the fun happens! Like that time I found a penny in the toilet!"

Before the argument could escalate any further, a shadow fell over the group. Melony, who had been napping on the rafters above, dropped down silently. She didn't say a word, her sleepy eyes fixed on Mario with a calm, yet unbreakable intensity.

"Melony!" Mario cheered. "You want some spaghetti? Luigi brought the good kind!"

Melony didn't answer. Instead, she walked up to Mario, grabbed him by the back of his overalls, and hoisted him up like a sack of potatoes.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Meggy demanded, reaching out.

Melony looked back at them, her Fierce Deity mask flickering momentarily in her hand. "Mario needs a nap," she said simply. "With me. In the secret garden. Away from the noise."

"Now hold on a minute!" Saiko yelled, reaching for her hammer. "You can't just swoop in and take him!"

Melony didn't even blink. She pulled out her massive ink brush and drew a circle on the floor. In a flash of light, a portal opened, leading to a secluded, sunny clearing filled with soft grass and watermelons.

"Mario! Help!" Luigi cried out, but it was too late.

"Wahooooo!" Mario yelled, waving his arms as Melony stepped into the portal. "I’m going on a kidnapping adventure! Bye-bye, melon-heads!"

The portal snapped shut, leaving the room in a stunned, heavy silence.

SMG4 looked up from his laptop, blinking. "Did... did Melony just steal Mario?"

Meggy, Saiko, Tari, and Karen stood frozen, their faces turning various shades of red. The jealousy that had been simmering was now boiling over.

"She think she can just take him?" Saiko hissed, the floorboards cracking under her boots. "Oh, it is *on*."

"I’m tracking her GPS signature," Tari said, her eyes glowing blue as she accessed the castle’s security feed. "She’s headed for the West Woods."

"I'll get the car," Karen said, her professional demeanor replaced by a cold, calculated fury. "And I’m not stopping for red lights."

Luigi watched them scramble out of the castle in a frantic, competitive dash. He looked down at the half-eaten plate of spaghetti left on the floor.

"I just wanted to tell him about the new socks I bought," Luigi sighed, picking up the plate.

In the quiet clearing of the West Woods, Mario was currently lying on his back, staring up at the clouds while Melony used his stomach as a pillow.

"You know, Melony," Mario said, picking a piece of grass out of his teeth. "You’re a lot quieter than the others. I like it. It makes it easier to hear the voices in my head telling me to eat more pizza."

Melony hummed in response, already half-asleep. "Quiet is good, Mario."

"Yeah," Mario agreed, closing his eyes. "Quiet is—"

The sound of a car crashing through the underbrush, followed by a pink hammer smashing a tree and the distant war-cry of an Inkling, echoed through the forest.

Mario sighed, his eyes popping open. "Well, it was nice while it lasted."