Mario the Rizz Lord

The sun was shining over the Mushroom Kingdom, or at least it was shining over the sprawling, somewhat chaotic architecture of SMG4’s brand-new castle. Inside, the atmosphere was the usual blend of domestic productivity and absolute insanity. SMG4 was hunched over his computer, his fingers flying across the keyboard as he muttered about "the algorithm" and "perfect comedic timing." Meggy was in the corner, practicing her combat stances with a focused intensity, while Tari was happily playing a game on her handheld device, her robotic arm whirring softly.

And then there was Mario.

Mario was currently attempting to see how many spaghetti noodles he could shove into his nose while balancing a plate of meatballs on his head. It was a delicate art form that only a man of his specific mental caliber could appreciate.

"Mario, can you please do that literally anywhere else?" SMG4 groaned, not looking up from his screen. "I’m trying to edit the part where Bob falls off a cliff."

"Mama-fied!" Mario chirped, his voice muffled by the pasta.

Suddenly, the air in the center of the room began to ripple. A low, humming sound, like a swarm of angry bees, filled the hall. Everyone froze. A swirling vortex of deep, pulsating purple energy tore open the fabric of reality right beneath Mario’s feet.

"Uh oh," Mario said, the plate of meatballs sliding off his head and shattering on the floor.

"Mario!" Meggy shouted, dropping her training gear and lunging toward him.

The gravity in the room shifted. The vortex began to pull with the strength of a collapsing star. Mario flailed his arms, his eyes wide as saucers as his feet left the ground. SMG4 jumped from his chair, grabbing Mario’s hand, and Tari grabbed SMG4’s waist, forming a human—and cyborg—chain.

"Hold on, Mario! We’ve got you!" SMG4 yelled, his face turning red from the effort.

"I don't wanna go to the shadow realm! There’s no spaghetti there!" Mario wailed, his legs kicking frantically in the air.

The vortex gave one final, violent tug. The force was too much. SMG4’s grip slipped, his fingers sliding against Mario’s glove. With a pathetic yelp, the plumber was sucked into the swirling abyss. The portal snapped shut a second later, leaving the room in a deafening, dusty silence.

"Mario?" Tari whispered, her voice trembling.

***

Mario didn't fall so much as he tumbled through a kaleidoscope of nightmares before being spat out into a sky that was perpetually dark and choked with frozen clouds. He hit the ground with a dull thud, landing on something crunchy and metallic.

"Ooh, my liver," Mario groaned, rubbing his backside. He stood up and dusted off his overalls, looking around. "Where is the spaghetti? This doesn't look like an Olive Garden."

He wasn't in the Mushroom Kingdom anymore. The landscape was a frozen wasteland of ruined skyscrapers and twisted metal. But the most disturbing part was what he was standing on. Mario looked down and realized he was atop a massive mound of "dead" machines. They looked like small, white robots with screen-faces, their limbs tangled together in a macabre pile.

"A-ha! Trash!" Mario exclaimed, picking up a severed robotic arm and poking his ear with it. "Finders keepers."

High above, perched on the rusted girders of a collapsed bridge, two figures watched him. They were sleek, deadly, and possessed large, yellow neon wings composed of glowing blades. Their eyes—digital displays on their visors—were wide, flickering with a mix of confusion and an inexplicable, sudden spark of interest.

"V, do you see that?" one of them whispered, her voice a smooth, synthesized purr. She adjusted the bow in her hair, her yellow eye-sensors narrowing as she zoomed in on the red-clad human. "It’s... organic. But it’s so... round."

"It looks stupid," the other one, V, replied, though she didn't look away. Her tongue flicked out over her fangs. "I want to see what color it bleeds. But... there's something about the way he just poked his ear with a limb that’s oddly... charming?"

"He’s mine," the first one, J, muttered, her tail wagging slightly behind her. "Imagine the efficiency of a pet that doesn't need oil."

Mario, completely unaware that he was being scouted by two genocidal Disassembly Drones, hopped off the pile of corpses and began to wander. He hummed a jaunty tune, kicking a stray skull across the snow. The cold didn't seem to bother him; his sheer lack of brain cells acted as a natural insulator.

As he rounded a corner into a more intact part of the city, a shadow darted out from behind a crate. A female Worker Drone, sporting a purple beanie and clutching a massive, glowing green railgun, skidded to a halt in front of him.

"Freeze, you oil-sucking—!" Uzi stopped mid-sentence.

She lowered her weapon, her digital eyes blinking rapidly as they transitioned from angry red 'X's back to standard white circles. She stared at Mario. He was short, he had a magnificent mustache, and he was currently trying to eat a piece of frozen scrap metal he thought was a cracker.

Uzi felt a strange, hot sensation in her internal processors. Her fans kicked into high gear. A faint digital blush appeared on her visor.

"What... what are you?" she stammered, her voice losing all its edge.

Mario finished chewing the metal, spat it out with a grimace, and looked at her. "I'm-a Mario! You got any snacks? Mario is very hungry."

He didn't look scared. He didn't look like he cared that she was holding a weapon capable of vaporizing a building. He simply smiled a goofy, gap-toothed grin and hopped right past her, patting her on the head as he went.

"Nice toaster!" he chirped.

Uzi stood frozen for a moment, her heart—or the mechanical equivalent—thumping against her chassis. "He... he touched me. And he didn't run away."

She turned around and began to follow him, her railgun dragging in the snow. She found herself moving closer, her sensors locked onto the warmth radiating from him. Every time Mario stumbled or did something incredibly moronic, like trying to fight a lamppost, Uzi felt an overwhelming urge to protect him from the world.

Suddenly, a loud, obnoxious ringtone echoed through the desolate street. Mario pulled a glowing phone out of his pocket.

"Ooh! SMG4 is calling!" Mario shouted happily.

He pressed the button, and a holographic projection of a frantic SMG4 appeared in the air. "Mario! Oh thank God, the signal is tracking! Are you okay? Where are you? We’re trying to reopen the portal, just stay put!"

Uzi’s eyes immediately turned into red warning signs. She lunged forward, hovering inches from Mario’s face, glaring at the hologram of SMG4.

"Who is this? Why is he talking to you?" Uzi hissed, her voice dripping with possessive venom. "Does he want to take you away? I’ll kill him. I’ll kill everyone in that little box!"

"Whoa! Who is that?!" SMG4 screamed from the other side of the screen. "Mario, is that a killer robot?!"

Before Mario could explain that she was just a "nice toaster," two more shadows slammed down from the sky. J and V landed on either side of Mario, their blade-wings retracted but their tails twitching aggressively.

"Back off, purple one," J snapped, her hand transforming into a multi-barreled machine gun which she pointed directly at the hologram. "This specimen belongs to the JCJenson corporation. Or specifically, me."

"I think I'll just take his head home as a souvenir," V chirped, though she was leaning in close to sniff Mario’s hat. "He smells like... flour and sweat. It’s intoxicating."

"He’s not a specimen! He’s a person!" Uzi yelled, stepping between the Murder Drones and Mario. "And he’s staying with me!"

Mario looked between the three deadly, glowing-eyed girls who were currently arguing over who got to keep him. "Does this mean I get three spaghettis?"

The air began to crackle again. The purple vortex tore open in the middle of the street, and a giant mechanical arm—courtesy of SMG4’s castle defenses—reached out.

"Gotcha!" SMG4’s voice echoed through the portal.

The arm grabbed Mario by the waist and began to yank him back toward the Mushroom Kingdom.

"NO!" the three drones screamed in unison.

Uzi didn't hesitate. She leaped forward, grabbing Mario’s leg. J grabbed Uzi’s waist, and V latched onto J’s shoulders. The chain of drones was sucked into the vortex along with the plumber, the sheer force of the portal’s closure emitting a shockwave that shattered the surrounding windows.

***

Back in the castle, the SMG4 crew was prepared for a rescue. They were not prepared for what actually happened.

Mario flew out of the portal and slammed onto the plush red sofa in the center of the living room. He let out a long, tired sigh. "Home sweet home."

However, he wasn't alone.

Uzi was wrapped around his left leg like a barnacle, her railgun aimed squarely at Meggy. J was draped over Mario’s right shoulder, her gaze fixed on SMG4 with a look of pure, murderous territorialism. V was perched on the back of the sofa, her bladed tail flickering inches from Luigi’s nose, who was currently whimpering in the corner.

"Uh... Mario?" SMG4 asked, slowly raising his hands. "Who are your... friends?"

"They're my new fan club!" Mario explained, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a stray noodle he’d found earlier. "They really like-a Mario."

Uzi looked up at the gathered crew, her eyes flickering with a dangerous red light. "If any of you touch him, I will dismantle you and use your limbs to build a throne for him."

"And I’ll make sure it’s a very stylish throne," J added, smoothing out Mario’s mustache with a metallic finger. "He’s a high-value asset now. Property of... well, us."

V just let out a low, manic giggle, her eyes darting toward Bob. "Can I eat the trash bag man? He looks crunchy."

"No eating my friends!" Mario scolded, wagging a finger.

The three drones immediately slumped, their aggressive postures softening into something resembling pouting.

"Fine," Uzi muttered, burying her face in Mario’s side. "But he’s not leaving this couch. Ever."

Mario leaned back, closing his eyes. It had been a long day. He was covered in three different types of dangerous machinery, his life was being threatened by his own 'fans,' and he still hadn't had dinner. But as he felt the weight of the drones clinging to him, he realized something.

"Hey, SMG4," Mario called out.

"Yeah, Mario?" SMG4 replied, still terrified to move.

"Can you order four pizzas? One for me, and three with... uh... extra bolts and oil?"

The drones looked at him with glowing, wide-eyed adoration. The Mushroom Kingdom was definitely going to be a lot more crowded, and a lot more dangerous, from now on. But as long as Mario had his sofa and his snacks, he didn't mind the company at all.