Mario's Yanderes

The morning sun filtered through the stained-glass windows of the Mushroom Kingdom castle, casting vibrant patterns across the floor. Inside, the usual chaotic energy of the SMG4 crew was in full swing. Mario, the red-clad plumber known primarily for his intellectual shortcomings and his bottomless stomach, was currently occupied with a very important task: trying to balance a single piece of uncooked spaghetti on the tip of his nose.

"Almost... almost... ooh!" Mario crossed his eyes, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth.

He was blissfully unaware of the atmosphere shifting around him. Usually, Mario’s antics were met with groans, eye-rolls, or the occasional blunt force trauma from a giant hammer. But today, the air felt thick with something else.

In the corner of the main hall, Meggy Spletzer had stopped her shadow-boxing. Her gaze was fixed entirely on Mario. Her expression wasn't one of annoyance, but rather a soft, intense admiration. Next to her, Tari clutched her meta-runner arm to her chest, her blue eyes shimmering with an unusual sparkle as she watched Mario accidentally sneeze and hit himself in the face with the pasta.

"He’s so... authentic," Saiko Bichitaru whispered, her usual edgy demeanor replaced by a dazed, almost predatory grin. She leaned against her giant hammer, her eyes following the plumber’s every clumsy move.

Even Karen, the perpetually exhausted cat-mom and cashier, had stopped checking her watch. She leaned against the doorway, her tail twitching. "You know," she muttered to no one in particular, "there’s a certain rugged charm to someone who doesn't have a single thought behind those eyes. It’s refreshing."

Mario, oblivious to the predatory adoration radiating from the sidelines, finally managed to balance the spaghetti. "Wahoo! Mario is the king of the world!" He began to do a little victory dance, which mostly involved shaking his butt and making "pingas" noises.

At the center desk, SMG4 was hunched over his laptop, his fingers flying across the keys as he tried to edit his latest video. The rhythmic thumping of Mario’s dancing was making his screen shake.

"Mario, for the love of memes, shut up!" SMG4 yelled without looking up. "I’m trying to work! Go be stupid somewhere else!"

The silence that followed was immediate and deafening.

Mario stopped dancing. His mustache drooped, and his large, round eyes began to well up with tears. He let out a soft, pathetic whimper, looking like a puppy that had just been kicked for existing.

"Oh... okay," Mario whispered, his voice cracking. "Mario will go sit in the trash can now."

The shift in the room was instantaneous. SMG4 suddenly felt a chill run down his spine, the kind of primal fear one feels when they realize they’ve stepped on a landmine. He slowly turned his head away from his computer.

Meggy, Saiko, Tari, and Karen were all staring at him. Their eyes weren't just angry; they were glowing with a terrifying, protective ferocity. Saiko’s grip tightened on her hammer until the wood creaked. Meggy’s hand moved instinctively toward her Splattershot. Karen’s claws unsheathed with a lethal *snikt*.

"What did you just say to him?" Meggy asked, her voice dangerously low.

"I—I just told him to be quiet?" SMG4 stammered, his chair rolling back an inch. "He was being loud! You guys usually complain about it too!"

"He was expressing his joy," Tari said, her voice trembling not with fear, but with righteous indignation. "And you crushed it."

"You big meanie," Karen added, stepping forward.

SMG4 looked around for backup. Bob and Fishy Boopkins were huddled in the corner, looking just as confused as he was. Luigi stood nearby, his jaw hitting the floor as he watched the scene unfold.

"Since when do you guys care if I yell at Mario?" SMG4 cried out, but his voice was drowned out as the girls moved as one.

They didn't attack SMG4—not yet—but instead swarmed Mario. Before the plumber could even process his sadness, he was surrounded.

"It’s okay, Mario! Don't listen to that mean glitchy man," Meggy said, patting his shoulder with a firm, almost possessive grip.

"Do you want to play some games, Mario? Anything you want," Tari offered, leaning in close.

Saiko loomed over him, looking ready to flatten anyone who dared speak a cross word to him again. "If he bothers you again, I’ll turn his laptop into a pancake."

Mario blinked, his tears disappearing as quickly as they had arrived. "Ooh! Can the pancake have maple syrup?"

Luigi, seeing his brother surrounded by a wall of intense women, felt a surge of concern. This wasn't normal. Mario was usually the one being chased away with pitchforks, not being treated like a sacred relic.

"Uh, hey guys?" Luigi said, taking a tentative step forward. "Is everything okay? Mario, you want to go get some—"

"Back off, Luigi!" Meggy snapped, not even looking back.

"Yeah, give him some space," Karen hissed. "He’s had a stressful morning."

Luigi recoiled, his hands up in defense. "Stressful? He was eating a shoe ten minutes ago!"

"And he did it with grace!" Saiko countered.

The rest of the crew—Bob, Boopkins, and a very confused SMG3 who had just walked in—watched in stunned silence.

"Is Mario... the main character of an otome game now?" SMG3 asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because I don't like where this is going. It’s weirding me out."

"I think they’ve finally lost it," Bob remarked. "But if there’s a way to monetize this, let me know."

Mario looked at the circle of girls. He could feel the "obsessiveness" radiating off them. It was a bit much, even for him. He missed his brother. He looked past Saiko’s shoulder and saw Luigi looking dejected and confused.

"Hey! Everyone, calm your tits!" Mario shouted, using his signature lack of filter.

The girls blinked, momentarily stunned by the outburst.

"Mario is fine!" the plumber announced, puffing out his chest. "But you’re being mean to Luigi. Luigi is Mario’s favorite person because he gives Mario free stuff. Let him through!"

The girls hesitated, exchanging looks of mild jealousy, but they eventually stepped aside, creating a narrow path. Mario beamed and beckoned his brother forward.

"Come here, Luigi! Don't be a pussy!"

Luigi exhaled a sigh of relief, scurrying through the gauntlet of glares to reach his brother’s side. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a slightly squashed but still warm bundle wrapped in foil.

"I, uh... I brought you that emergency spaghetti you asked for earlier," Luigi whispered.

Mario’s eyes practically turned into hearts. "SPAGHETTI!"

He snatched the bundle and tore it open, immediately shoving a handful of pasta into his mouth. "Mmm... Luigi, you’re the best. You’re better than everyone else in this room combined."

Luigi smiled, feeling a bit more at ease. "Thanks, Mario. So, do you want to head to the kitchen? I think I have some extra meatballs in the fridge."

"Ooh! Meatballs!" Mario jumped up, grabbing Luigi’s arm. "Let’s-a go!"

As the brothers started to head toward the kitchen, the girls trailed behind them at a distance of exactly five feet. They watched Mario eat with a collective, dreamy sigh, their eyes never leaving the back of his red cap.

"Look at how he gets the sauce on his ears," Tari whispered. "So precious."

"I’m going to kill SMG4 later for making him cry," Meggy muttered under her breath.

Luigi glanced over his shoulder, seeing the four of them following like a pack of highly disciplined, extremely dangerous bodyguards. He leaned closer to Mario.

"Mario, I think we should maybe hide in the basement for a few hours," Luigi suggested nervously.

Mario swallowed a massive clump of noodles. "Why? Mario has his spaghetti and his girls. It’s like a dream, except I’m not being chased by a giant sun with a mustache."

"I just have a feeling this is going to get a lot weirder before it gets better," Luigi sighed.

"Don't worry, Luigi," Mario said, wiping his face with his sleeve. "As long as there’s spaghetti, Mario is the master of his destiny!"

Behind them, Saiko pulled out a camera. "He just wiped his nose! Did you see that? Get the shot, Tari! Get the shot!"

SMG4, still sitting at his desk, watched the parade disappear into the hallway. He looked at SMG3.

"I’m moving to a different kingdom," SMG4 said flatly.

"Can I come with you?" SMG3 asked. "I think the 'Mario-pocalypse' has officially begun."