Mario's fanclub

The sun shone brightly through the stained-glass windows of the Mushroom Kingdom castle, casting vibrant patches of color onto the floor where Mario was currently occupied with something very important. To anyone else, he was just sitting in the middle of the foyer, trying to see how many marshmallows he could stuff into his nose. To Mario, it was a high-stakes scientific endeavor.

"Ooh, lookie! Mario’s gonna break the record!" he giggled to himself, his crossed eyes focusing on a stray gooey white puff that had stuck to his mustache.

He was completely oblivious to the atmosphere in the room shifting. Usually, the castle was a chaotic mess of memes, explosions, and screaming, but today, a strange, heavy silence had fallen over the female members of the crew.

Tari sat on the edge of a nearby sofa, her mechanical arm whirring softly as she fidgeted with her hem, her blue eyes fixed on Mario with an uncharacteristic intensity. Saiko rested her giant hammer against the wall, but she wasn't looking for a fight; she was leaning forward, a faint, dazed blush dusting her cheeks as she watched Mario struggle to sneeze. Even Karen, who usually looked like she wanted to quit life and everyone in it, stood by the doorway with her arms crossed, her tail twitching with a rhythmic, possessive flick.

Meggy was the closest, pretend-polishing her Splattershot while stealing glances at the plumber. Every time Mario made a particularly stupid face, her heart gave a weird little skip that she couldn't quite explain.

"Is he... is he always that cute when he's being a moron?" Saiko whispered, her voice uncharacteristically soft.

"He's like a big, dumb puppy," Meggy sighed, her gaze softening into something bordering on obsessive. "A puppy that needs to be protected from everything."

Karen let out a low hum of agreement. "He’s the only one in this kingdom who doesn't give me a headache. I mean, look at him. There isn't a single thought behind those eyes. It’s... refreshing."

Inside the main computer room, SMG4 was hunched over his monitor, frantically typing away at a script for his next video. The constant *pop-pop-pop* of Mario’s marshmallow experiments was starting to grate on his nerves.

"Mario! For the love of memes, can you be quiet for five minutes?" SMG4 yelled without looking up. "I’m trying to work on something that’s actually productive!"

Mario froze mid-stuff. His lower lip began to tremble, and his large, blue eyes welled up with tears. He slowly pulled the marshmallows out of his nose, looking like a kicked dog.

"Oh... okay," Mario whimpered, his voice cracking. "Mario will be a good boy. Mario will go sit in the corner and think about his life choices."

The reaction from the girls was instantaneous and terrifying.

SMG4 felt a sudden drop in temperature. He slowly turned his swivel chair around, only to find himself staring into the collective "death glare" of Meggy, Saiko, Tari, and Karen. Their eyes were narrowed, their brows furrowed in a way that promised a very painful death.

"Uh... guys?" SMG4 stammered, his hands shaking. "It’s just a joke? You know, the funny ha-ha?"

"You made him sad," Tari said, her voice trembling—not with sadness, but with a protective rage.

"Apologize. Now," Saiko growled, her hand tightening around the handle of her hammer.

"I have a manager's number for people like you," Karen hissed, stepping forward with a clawed hand outstretched.

Before SMG4 could respond, the group ignored him entirely and swarmed Mario. It was like a tidal wave of sudden affection.

"Oh, Mario! Don’t listen to that mean old meme-man," Tari cooed, kneeling beside him and patting his head. "You’re doing a great job with those marshmallows. They’re very impressive!"

"Yeah, Red, you’re the life of the party," Meggy added, crowding into his personal space and wiping a stray bit of sugar off his cheek. "Don’t let him get you down."

Mario blinked, his sadness instantly replaced by pure, unadulterated confusion. "Wha? You guys like the nose-mallows? Mario has more in his pockets!"

The rest of the crew—Bob, Fishy Boopkins, and a very confused Luigi—watched from the balcony above.

"Holy crap," Bob muttered, his green hood swaying. "Is Mario wearing some kind of pheromone cologne? Did he finally shower?"

"I don't think so, Bob," Boopkins squeaked. "He smells like old cheese and regret, just like always."

Luigi gripped the railing, his face pale. "I’ve never seen them like this. They’re... they’re acting like he’s the last piece of spaghetti on earth."

Feeling a surge of brotherly concern, Luigi decided to intervene. He trotted down the stairs, hoping to pull Mario away from the suffocating circle of girls.

"Hey, Mario! Maybe we should go outside and—"

Luigi didn't even get within five feet before Saiko stepped in his path, her shadow looming over him.

"Back off, Greenie," Saiko snapped, her eyes flashing dangerously. "He’s busy right now."

"But he's my brother!" Luigi squeaked, clutching his cap.

"And he’s our priority," Karen added, stepping up beside Saiko. "Go find a vacuum to play with or something."

Mario, sensing the tension, looked up from the pile of snacks Tari was feeding him. He saw Luigi’s trembling form and gave a wide, goofy grin.

"It’s okay, girls! Luigi’s okay. He’s Mario’s favorite brother!" Mario stood up, shaking off the literal hands that were trying to groom his overalls. "Let the green man through!"

The girls immediately parted like the Red Sea, though their expressions remained guarded. Luigi scrambled through the gap, feeling like he was walking through a minefield. He reached his brother and pulled a hidden plate of spaghetti from behind his back—a peace offering he had prepared earlier.

"I brought you some lunch, Mario," Luigi said, his voice regaining some confidence as Mario’s eyes turned into giant hearts.

"SPAGHETTI!" Mario lunged for the plate, shoveling noodles into his mouth with reckless abandon. "Luigi, you’re the best! We should go to the park later and kick some turtles!"

Luigi smiled, sitting down cross-legged next to him. "That sounds nice, Mario. I was thinking we could also stop by the—"

"Actually," Meggy interrupted, sliding in between them and nudging Luigi an inch to the left. "Mario mentioned he wanted to practice his combat skills. I was going to take him to the training grounds. Right, Mario?"

Mario paused, a noodle hanging from his lip. "I did? I thought I wanted to nap in a trash can."

"You definitely said training," Meggy insisted, her eyes locked onto Luigi with a 'don't contradict me' look.

"Actually," Tari chimed in, leaning over Mario’s shoulder from the other side. "I found a new game called 'Spaghetti Simulator 2024.' I thought Mario and I could play it together. It’s much safer than training."

"Safety is boring," Saiko interjected, crossing her arms and leaning against Mario’s back. "He needs excitement. I was going to take him to a heavy metal concert. He’s got the perfect head for headbanging."

Luigi tried to speak up. "But we always go to the park on Tuesdays—"

"Tuesdays are for grocery shopping," Karen snapped, cutting Luigi off entirely. "And I happen to know where the best imported pasta is sold. Mario should come with me so he can pick out the brands himself. He has a very... sophisticated palate."

Mario looked back and forth between the girls and his brother, his brain clearly struggling to process the sudden influx of invitations. "Wait, wait! Mario can do everything! I can eat the fancy pasta while headbanging at the training grounds on a computer!"

"No," Meggy said firmly. "You need to focus on one thing at a time, Mario. With me."

"With *us*," Tari corrected, though there was a sharp edge to her voice that wasn't usually there.

Luigi felt himself being pushed further and further away from the center of the circle. Every time he tried to make eye contact with Mario, one of the girls would conveniently step into his line of sight.

"Mario, don't you think it's a bit crowded in here?" Luigi asked, his voice small.

"I think it's just right," Karen said, her hand resting firmly on Mario’s shoulder. "In fact, I think Luigi was just about to leave to go do some... plumbing. Somewhere far away."

Mario, ever the oblivious one, just kept eating his spaghetti. "Luigi, why are you standing all the way over there? Come back! The noodles are getting cold!"

Luigi tried to step forward, but Saiko’s giant hammer "accidentally" leaned over, blocking his path.

"Oops," Saiko said, though her face remained stone-cold. "My hand slipped."

The jealousy in the room was palpable. The girls weren't just hovering; they were competing. Every time Mario took a bite of food, Tari was there with a napkin. Every time he made a joke, Meggy laughed a little too loudly. Every time he shifted his weight, Karen adjusted his hat.

"You know, Mario," Meggy said, her voice dripping with artificial sweetness as she glared at the others. "I think you’d look great in a new pair of overalls. Maybe something... sporty?"

"He looks fine in red," Saiko countered. "Red is the color of passion. And blood. Mostly passion."

"I think he looks like a gentleman," Tari whispered, leaning in close to Mario’s ear.

Mario let out a loud, wet burp that echoed through the entire castle foyer. He rubbed his belly and let out a satisfied sigh.

"Mario is full," he announced, standing up and dusting crumbs onto Tari’s shoes. "Now, Mario wants to play hide and seek! I’ll go hide, and you guys try to find me!"

Before anyone could protest, Mario took off running at full speed, tripping over his own feet twice before disappearing behind a large tapestry of Princess Peach.

The girls stood in silence for a moment, the tension between them snapping like a rubber band.

"I’m finding him first," Meggy declared, reaching for her goggles.

"Not if I use my sensors," Tari said, her eyes glowing blue as she activated her gaming HUD.

"Get out of my way," Karen hissed, drawing her claws.

As they all scrambled in different directions, knocking over vases and nearly trampling SMG4 in the process, Luigi stood alone in the center of the room, holding the empty spaghetti plate.

SMG4 crawled out from under his desk, his hair disheveled. "Luigi... what just happened?"

Luigi sighed, looking toward the tapestry where his brother had vanished. "I think Mario just became the most dangerous man in the Mushroom Kingdom, SMG4. And he doesn't even know it."

From behind the tapestry, they heard Mario’s muffled voice. "You can't find me! Mario is a master of disguise! I am a wall! Shhh! I am a brick!"

A second later, four screams of "FOUND HIM!" rang out simultaneously, followed by the sound of a very confused plumber being dragged into four different directions at once.

Luigi just shook his head. "I'll go get the medkit. Something tells me they're going to start fighting over who gets to hold his hand during the 'hide' part."

"Make it two medkits," SMG4 groaned, watching Saiko and Meggy start an argument over who spotted his hat first. "I think I’m gonna need one just from the stress of watching this."